Hello, dear Dowagers. So much happened in this week’s episode of Downton Abbey, but I’m really only able to focus on one thing: the ultra-polite way in which Cousin Matthew told Lavinia he’d never be able to screw her brains out. Hold on to your velvet hats, it’s Downton Recap Time!
This episode starts with a gruesome war scene. Judging from the time and location stamp placed at the start of the episode (Amiens, 1918) I think we’re supposed to know the battle the men are engaged in, but because I’m an idiot who cared more about 90210 reruns than learning in high school, I have no idea what it is. The important thing: Matthew and William are both are shot down, with William’s baked potato body covering Matthew’s in a final act of friendship and allegiance.
Seriously, William really looks like a potato. I feel bad saying that, seeing as he’s now a dead potato, but I can’t not speak my truth, guys!
Back at the house, O’Brien dons a bee-keeping helmet to wake up “Milady” and tell her about Matthew’s injured status. Mr Moseley is there to deliver the bad news, his comb-over slightly uncombed but just as pathetic. Everyone is sad, including Anna and Bates, who continue their sexual tension dance by refusing to touch bodies once again, instead choosing to go to a church and pray for Matthew and William. Meanwhile, the Dowager Countess continues to chip away at the ice shell surrounding her soul and fights to bring William the Downton Hospital. Edith, who now defines herself solely by her ability to drive a car, is eager to…drive a car and pick up William.
And then there is Daisy. Poor, guilty Daisy, who only agreed to marry William because she pitied him and his puppy-dog ways. Now she must make the most important decision of her life: stay true to herself and her beliefs and end their engagement OR don a floral table cloth and the world’s most unfortunate up-do and make William the happiest man of his short life. Because Daisy has a conscience (and no other prospects) she ends this episode married to the sweetest man ever to rock a footman’s uniform.
Creeper Alert: Branson, bb, you gotta chill it with the crazy eyes and pushy conversations. Just drive Sybil to the hospital and leave the ranting to your diary (we all know you have one, ya freak).
Crazy Mrs. Bates is back doing crazy things and being crazy. She goes to Sir Richard and shares the story of Mary’s murder by sexin’, but the tabloid tycoon tricks her to protect his fiancée. Oh, and then he makes Mary his fiancée, without asking. Sir Richard takes what he wants, guys! Look out — Sir Richard might be crazier than Mrs. Bates.
Maid update: Mrs. Hughes visits Ethel, who has given birth to Sargent Combover’s baby and now lives in a room with a bureau. She then hires a war widow to replace her (even though it’s been like, a year since Ethel worked at the house?) and feels weird emotions about the whole thing. She tries to get the Sarge to visit his infant son but, because he is an assh**e to the 123456789 degree, he refuses. If only it was he with his back blown out and his penis rendered unusable, instead of Cousin Matthew.
Oh, Cousin Matthew. Watching the poor guy explain to Lavinia that they “can never be PROPERLY married” just about broke my heart. Not because I want him to reproduce with that wee mouse, but because it is most urgent that he marries Mary and puts some babies in her. Instead, he pukes in a bucket in her lap. A lot of good that good luck charm did him!
Meanwhile, Mary continues to offer people tea to smooth over awkward conversations and unpleasant situations.
In conclusion, here is what I looked like at the end of this episode, as Daisy and her unfortunate ringlets wed a half-dead William while the Dowager Countess looked on, crying tears of stone:
RIP, sweet potato-faced prince.
Thank you so much for speaking a truth that I could not put into words! All season, I’ve been thinking that William looked weird. He totally looks like a potato! I would also like to say that Thomas looks weird too, in a no-neck, flabby-face kind of way. I’m not sure if it’s the uniform, but next time you watch, check out that neck/chin waddle!
Can I be the only person in the world who laughed like a drain when they saw William in the bed of flowers?
So I think I would have normally cried over this episode, but being pregnant pushed me into another whole realm of hysterical weeping by the end. When Isobel showed up at the hospital and Matthew looked like all he really needed all along was his mommy, I completely fell apart. Pregnancy hormones + Downton Abbey = not a good mix.
Er…I’m kinda sorta attracted to Sir Richard. I think it’s his forceful craziness? IDK. And WTF happened to Branson? I used to have major lady wood for him, but he’s turned into such a creeper. I wept tears for Matthew’s broken penis. His poor, poor penis. Oh, and Mary, too.
WIIIIIILLLLLLIIIIIIAAAAAAAM! *sob!*
And I’m bumbed for Matthew and all, but I also sort of wanted to punch him. Put it into perspective dude. You’re ALIVE. Don’t be so sad about your broken dingaling. AT LEAST YOU CAN LOOK AT THE WOMAN YOU LOVE… William can’t. Cause he’s DEAD. *SIGH*
This episode was so sad! I did find it was amusing how everyone danced around the fact that Matthew couldn’t have sex…I’m so glad we live in a world where we can say what we mean instead of being “delicate.” It took poor Lavinia a long time to figure that one out. haha
I hope they bring in someone for my (and apparently only my) favorite sister Edith. We ginger-snaps need love too. Also, am I alone in thinking that the lingering gaze Lord Grantham and the new war-widow maid shared was a bit…titillating? Love triangle with the help?
Alright, I cried like a b****. And when the Dowager Countess started crying, attributing it to “A cold”, I laughed briefly, but started crying again. This was a magical episode, and how hot was Matthew even banged up and feeling pitiful. I’d marry you anyway!
Sir Richard is the craziest of crazies. Mary needs to shut that down.
i too am hoping that matthew and mary will come together, but sir richard will go batsh*t crazy and ruin everyone’s lives in his crappy newspapers. he knows the whole handsome prince story from meany mrs. bates… i’m worried. seriously worried. and i would like to say i liked poor daisy’s outfit! i loved seeing her out of that pink striped dress.
i cannot wait for next week’s new ep and the tears that will come with it.
Kate – your recap this week was hilarious!! I should have known better than to read it while eating lunch, since I almost choked from laughing about Mary’s “murder by sexin’” (my cubicle-mates now think I’m either crazy or unable to feed myself properly.) Thanks so much for writing these, I look forward to them almost as much as I look forward to watching each new episode!
OMG!!!! This episode killed me! Poor William, and poor Daisy, the wedding scene broke my heart. Even the Dowager Countess was crying. I can’t not wait till next Sunday.
Here’s one more thing I was embarrassed to include in this recap. Because I’m one of those idiots who seeks out spoilers, I read about Season 2 online and read somewhere that Daisy and William got married and had kids. So I actually watched all of last night’s episode thinking William didn’t die. Then I was like, “WTF, something is off here” and did some more Googling, realized my mistake, and re-watched the ep a second time for proper weeping. Anyway, I am really disappointed that the fake spoiler I read isn’t true
i love your downton abby recaps. Good call on the year time lapse from when maid Ethel left the house.
I used to really like Branson, but his intense eyes are getting to me. I wish he’d let Lady Sybil be the independent woman she is and come to him when she’s read (or not).
I cried more tears during this episode than all others combined! Where will we be without sweet William? I’m hoping Sybil kicks Branson to the curb and fast! (but given next week’s preview, I’m kind of worried). Now that Lavinia’s out of the picture, can we at least hope that Mary’s love for Matthew will have healing powers and they can get married and make little baby Crawley’s?
Here’s one thing I have been thinking about this morning: all three of the Grantham sisters have really become much more likable, empathetic people this season. Is it just because of the effect the war has had on them, or also life circumstances? It’s interesting to see them all in “nurse mode,” even if Sybil is the only actual nurse of the three.
I’ve noticed that too. I think it’s because the war has forced the “real world” into their lives like nothing has before. They were so comfortable, protected, and BORED before the war came, what else did they have but petty jealousies and sister drama? Now they realize how lucky they are, how King and country need them, and how they have the power to help. Lady Mary particularly is such a softie now, she CAN’T marry Carlisle!
The spoiler-y headline is my fault. I was not thinking when I wrote and and extend my sincerest apologies to those of you who were spoiled by it. I am getting it changed now to avoid further spoiler-ing. Please forgive me.
Mr. Moseley was there because he intercepted the letter written to Matthew’s mom. And I have to agree, I think a spoiler-free title would be nice for those who were not able to see it yet.
Clearly I blind because I watched this episode TWICE and missed that. Duly noted, thanks Cathy!
Blah! I am anonymous, didn’t log in properly.
Yikes major spoiler in the headline greeting me over breakfast, the one time that I didn’t manage to watch the show live. That’s really disappointing.
Leslie, my apologies. The title has been fixed and I am forever sorry.