Hello, dear Dowagers. So much happened in this week’s episode of Downton Abbey, but I’m really only able to focus on one thing: the ultra-polite way in which Cousin Matthew told Lavinia he’d never be able to screw her brains out. Hold on to your velvet hats, it’s Downton Recap Time!
This episode starts with a gruesome war scene. Judging from the time and location stamp placed at the start of the episode (Amiens, 1918) I think we’re supposed to know the battle the men are engaged in, but because I’m an idiot who cared more about 90210 reruns than learning in high school, I have no idea what it is. The important thing: Matthew and William are both are shot down, with William’s baked potato body covering Matthew’s in a final act of friendship and allegiance.
Seriously, William really looks like a potato. I feel bad saying that, seeing as he’s now a dead potato, but I can’t not speak my truth, guys!
Back at the house, O’Brien dons a bee-keeping helmet to wake up “Milady” and tell her about Matthew’s injured status. Mr Moseley is there to deliver the bad news, his comb-over slightly uncombed but just as pathetic. Everyone is sad, including Anna and Bates, who continue their sexual tension dance by refusing to touch bodies once again, instead choosing to go to a church and pray for Matthew and William. Meanwhile, the Dowager Countess continues to chip away at the ice shell surrounding her soul and fights to bring William the Downton Hospital. Edith, who now defines herself solely by her ability to drive a car, is eager to…drive a car and pick up William.
And then there is Daisy. Poor, guilty Daisy, who only agreed to marry William because she pitied him and his puppy-dog ways. Now she must make the most important decision of her life: stay true to herself and her beliefs and end their engagement OR don a floral table cloth and the world’s most unfortunate up-do and make William the happiest man of his short life. Because Daisy has a conscience (and no other prospects) she ends this episode married to the sweetest man ever to rock a footman’s uniform.
Creeper Alert: Branson, bb, you gotta chill it with the crazy eyes and pushy conversations. Just drive Sybil to the hospital and leave the ranting to your diary (we all know you have one, ya freak).
Crazy Mrs. Bates is back doing crazy things and being crazy. She goes to Sir Richard and shares the story of Mary’s murder by sexin’, but the tabloid tycoon tricks her to protect his fiancée. Oh, and then he makes Mary his fiancée, without asking. Sir Richard takes what he wants, guys! Look out — Sir Richard might be crazier than Mrs. Bates.
Maid update: Mrs. Hughes visits Ethel, who has given birth to Sargent Combover’s baby and now lives in a room with a bureau. She then hires a war widow to replace her (even though it’s been like, a year since Ethel worked at the house?) and feels weird emotions about the whole thing. She tries to get the Sarge to visit his infant son but, because he is an assh**e to the 123456789 degree, he refuses. If only it was he with his back blown out and his penis rendered unusable, instead of Cousin Matthew.
Oh, Cousin Matthew. Watching the poor guy explain to Lavinia that they “can never be PROPERLY married” just about broke my heart. Not because I want him to reproduce with that wee mouse, but because it is most urgent that he marries Mary and puts some babies in her. Instead, he pukes in a bucket in her lap. A lot of good that good luck charm did him!
Meanwhile, Mary continues to offer people tea to smooth over awkward conversations and unpleasant situations.
In conclusion, here is what I looked like at the end of this episode, as Daisy and her unfortunate ringlets wed a half-dead William while the Dowager Countess looked on, crying tears of stone:
RIP, sweet potato-faced prince.