I feel like I have to be all Edith on you guys and tell you a cold, hard truth: I was late in watching Downton this week.
*hides behind Mr. Moseley’s giant shoehorn*
Shameful, I know. But the season of DA falls right in the middle of the busiest work time for me, and it’s tripping me up. But this blog post isn’t about me (wait, it’s not?), it’s about our dear friends Anna, Bates, Mary, Matthew, Ethel, Ethel’s libido, Sybil and pushy, whiny, needy Branson. Herrrrrrre we go!
A velvety hat tip to Lady Cora, who suddenly grew a pair of balls without O’Brien’s help and put Cousin Isobel in her place. And that place is France, apparently. Yes, Isobel couldn’t handle playing second nurse fiddle to Cora, and had a major meltdown when Her Ladyship changed her schedule at the Downton Hospital for Wounded Soldiers And One Creepy Maid-F**ker (we’ll get to him shortly). She huffed, she puffed and then she up and left for another hospital in France. Isobel is like that annoying commenter on a message board who flounces after writing a CAPS-filled, 10,000 word rant, only to return weeks later like nothing ever happened.
In Isobel’s absence, her cook, whose name I think is Mrs. Bird but will henceforth be called Mean Cook (even though I know she just has a hard exterior which hides her gentle soul, etc etc) and Mr. Moseley, the world’s saddest man, begin feeding the homeless and hungry men in their village, whose lives have been destroyed by the war. Mean Cook joins forces with Mrs. Patmore (who is also, at times, a Mean Cook) and Daisy and together they fatten up the former troops. O’Brien sniffs out their scheme because that is all O’Brien knows how to do, and tips Cora off to the secret food operation going down. But Cora, who suddenly seems to have a soul and a backbone, offers up Downton’s food for the men AND joins in the soup kitchen serving line.
Cora, more of this ‘being an actual human being with actual feelings’ please.
I had this fashion meltdown while watching this episode:
Holy s**t, Mary’s beaded dress and jewels and the whole outfit holy s**t.
Holy s**t, Mary’s red dress at dinner.
Holy s**t, Mary’s OTHER black dress with sleeves.
Mary, she who has accepted Sir Richard’s proposal, kind of, extended her support to Sybil, who is now dealing with a Stage 5 Clinger of a boyfriend. Branson walks a fine line between adorable and annoying, and in this episode he was straight up UGHHHHH BOOOO(ts). Adoration is sweet, but obsession is just creepy. That being said, I hope they get married and have a ton of babies.
Actually having a baby: Ethel the sassy housemaid. The poor girl was kicked out of Downton after getting caught nailing Sargent Combover by Mrs. Hughes. What is actually wrong with this dude, anyway? Am I missing his injury because I am so distracted by his helmet hair? And how is it fair that he gets to stick around Downton and perform magic tricks for his wounded peers, while Ethel gets kicked to the cobblestone?
Anyway, I’m glad Ethel’s back. Mrs. Hughes has too much of a heart to kick out a pregnant woman, and don’t you want to see Carson hold a baby in nine months?
Speaking of people who need to make babies…Bates is back in Anna’s virginal arms! Apparently working in a “public house” is a shameful job for a valet, because every Downtonian – both up and down stairs – was horrified to learn of his new profession. So the Earl toots on over to Bates’ bar and woos his former valet back. Easy as that! Later, Anna and Bates embrace in the most frustratingly innocent way and discuss – AGAIN – their future together. Let’s be real, guys. During this scene, who else was envisioning what it will look like when they finally have sex? Because oof, the sexual tension is just getting more and more pent up and will surely explode in the most awkwardly beautiful love-making session ever. And yes, I said love-making. What else would Mr. Bates do, guys?!
Here’s all I have to say about Mr. Moseley:
Now onto the Mary-Matthew (and on a smaller scale, the Daisy-William) reunion. Can we all let out a collective “UGH” at how hard it must be to have a loved one away at war (shout out to the brave men and women dealing with this right now), and even worse – in a time with ZERO ways of communicating?! The fact that Lord Grantham can’t hop on Skype to alert Isobel about Matthew’s missing status just makes my social media-addicted heart cringe.
Mary and dear little Daisy both put on a brave face when confronted with the devastating news that their respective kinda-boyfriends are missing in the War. I’m just gonna overlook the fact that it’s oh-so-convenient on many levels that Lord G arranged for William to fight with Matthew. Whatever. It only makes for a grander entrance when the two men return to Downton in the middle of Mary performing a song about love in front of a room full of soldiers. A song about the only boy and only girl in the world. A song that Matthew then turns into a duet, which is symbolic of like, EVERYTHING. He’s back! They’re in love! They’re engaged to other people! But to each other, they’re the only boy and girl in the world!
In conclusion, this is what I looked like by the end of this episode:
Dowager Countess quote of the week: “I’m a woman, Mary, I can be as contrary as I choose.”
Until next week…