It's a Girl ThingDoes He Date Black Girls?Sam Kasse

So, I was telling one of my friends about an attractive guy I had spotted in a café. Good looking to the point I had literally stopped typing on my laptop and taken a moment to watch him order his coffee. Outwardly I was discrete in my observation, though internally I was reminiscent of a Tex Avery wolf cartoon; whistling loudly, eyes bulging, heart palpitating right out of my chest. You get the idea. Anyhow, I was going on about him when my friend interrupted my ramblings with a simple question, “Why didn’t you go over and talk to him?”

Easier said than done.

It is not that I lack confidence, I am moderately confident. As a matter of fact on that particular afternoon I was having an amazing hair day, and the wings of my eyeliner were perfectly even, so aesthetically things were working in my favour. Even my weekly horoscope had been encouraging. I was actually on the cusp of picking up my jaw from the table and approaching the head turner, but he left the café before I had a chance to speak to him.

Like any other woman who is considering making the first move and hoping the object of her potential affection is straight and available, I run through the regular self doubt questions. What if he does not find me pretty? Am I thin enough? What if I come on too strong?

But the reigning, ultimate question that always comes up in my mind is, “Does he date black girls?”

Sure he might find Halle Berry hot, and let’s face it, who doesn’t. Maybe he sits up a little straighter when Zoe Saldana appears on the screen during a Star Trek film. And he might even enjoy watching Beyoncé gyrate, shake, and shimmy. But all of that is no guarantee that he actually dates black girls.

You would think I ask myself this question only when it pertains to non-black men. Not true. There are plenty of black men out there who, for whatever reason they feel is justifiable, do not date black women – at all. So, I am still left wondering, if the person I am about to approach would even consider me in a romantic light.

I’ve found it is not just me who asks this question. The conversations I have had with my girlfriends that are East Asian, Latina, and South Asian have confirmed that when attracted to a man of a different race than our own, we all ask ourselves, “Does he date women of my race?”

The phrase ‘post racial society’ gets tossed around frivolously and while colour blindness would be the ideal it is not a reality. Many women of colour will tell you stories of how they have been interested in someone only to find out that he had a limited approach to dating and they were never even going to be in the running let alone considered.

Wondering if a man I am attracted to dates black women is not something that holds me back from approaching him. At most it gives me a slight hesitation before I decide to just go for it and make my move. However, that moment of pause can cost me an opportunity, like it did with the Adonis in the café.

Like they say, you can’t win them all.  While I might have missed that chance, there are will be plenty of others. Right? Is Michael Fassbender still single? He dates black girls! I should find a way to slip him my number…

Featured image via canigetaminute.com

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  1. Another point to note is that after “does he date black girls,” you have to ask, “Would he consider a serious relationship with a black girl?”

    That, for me, is the real question. I get plenty of guys who approach me and want to go on a date or two, or have a month-long fling, but when it comes to actual commitment I have problems with non-black men. I think that a lot of it is that their parents wouldn’t be okay with it, or that they mentally “see” themselves with a white wife in the future, or white children. Although most people don’t consciously create these mental images, they can definitely be powerful on a subconscious level. Whatever the case may be, there’s definitely something going on there. Statistics show that while interracial dating has become significantly more common, interracial marriages have only increased slightly (although there is an increase, which is good).

    But, when I do find myself asking, “Does he date black girls,” it’s mostly in regards to a black guy. I feel like more black men in my city don’t date black women than any other group of men. At the same time, I feel like when I do date black men, they’re much more willing to commit on a long-term basis.

  2. This post describes how I have felt on more than one occasion. Although we live in a “post racial society” sometimes that is just not the case. The all too familiar question of “Do you like white guys?” comes around often as well. The response is always “I like guys who treat me well”
    I tend to observe that we are in a world that looks at the cultural stereotype of the person as opposed to the actual person.

    That being said, after much continued soul searching on my part, who ever my next date will be will have no interest in what color I am but on what I have to offer as a human being.

  3. Men can feel the same too. I’ve been with mostly black and Asian girls but I always have that moment of “does she like white guys”. And I’m friendly with quite a few black girls who never “do pink”. But surely hot is hot.

  4. Thanks for your post. I have had this question in the back of my mind far too many times and I’m glad I’m not alone. I’ve talked about this with my friends and they never seem to understand, contributing my dating woos to just bad luck. It very well could be bad luck. But sometimes I just feel as though my options are slim compared to them. It can especially difficult because I never know if it’s based on the “I would never date a black girl” stance or that they aren’t into me for 100 other reasons. On the flip side, I’ve also dated outside of my race and have dealt with guys who want to “try me out” for x,y,z reason. That too doesn’t work out. However I guess ultimately it’s just not meant to be. I consider myself a pretty awesome girl and if a guy doesn’t want to get to know me because of any preferences based solely off of the color of my skin or untruthful stereotypes due to it, then I guess I don’t want to take the time to know them either.

  5. I completely understand where you’re coming from (I’m not black but I’m overweight so I have a similar thought process) and it’s so sad that a thought like that even runs through your mind. I really hope one day it won’t be like this and future generations will have no qualms or insecurities about their race.

  6. I think the primary issue (in response to a few comments below) is if men and women can look past the cultural stereotypes. It’s hard for a lot of people but I would hope that people can look for the inside qualities first.

  7. Oh wow that really sucks. : ( You look so pretty in your photo, you wouldn’t think looks might be a problem.
    I’m super overweight, and I always tell myself that old saying: if he won’t date you because of how you look on the outside, then he probably isn’t the kind of guy you’d want to date anyways. It doesn’t always make me feel 100%, but it keeps you going.
    Good luck with the guy from the coffee shop!

  8. I ask that question all the time when I’m interested in someone who isn’t black like I am. Shoot, there are black guys who don’t date black girls and I’ve met some of them. We all have preferences, and that’s fine. Except for when people disregard another person because of a stereotype. Now that’s just wrong.

    You know what really gets me? When people say, “He/She is good looking for a (black/Asian/Hispanic/Indian/white) girl/guy.” Can’t you just be hot? Plain, old hot!

    I’ve dated guys from all over the place and they’re all simply just…guys. But then again I grew up in a diverse family and community.

    • Yeah, your last paragraph really hits the nail on the head. I’ve dated a very wide range of ethnicities (seems like each guy I date is a different race from the last), and guys are guys, no matter what ethnicity they are. That’s what irritates me when I hear people say, “I don’t date ___ guys/girls because they seem like they’d cheat more…” Or, “I don’t date them because we’re so culturally different,” etc. At the end of the day, they’re all guys, and they’re all going to give you the same problems. Same goes for women, I’m sure.

  9. I’m white and when I was single I was attracted to many different ethnicities, and had the same qualms about approaching them. As you pointed out, approaching a stranger is difficult, and before you do it, heck, while you’re on the way over, you’re thinking all sorts of things, does he date white girls, does he like full figured girls, does he like brunettes, does he like girls who approach him instead of the other way around. This is a universal thing.

  10. And how is this different from “Does he date fat girls?” Your race is part of your appearance and there are enough guys who aren’t dating girls with red hair or small breasts. That’s not very open minded either, but if I’m just not attracted to them, why should I feel bad about it?

    Fassy is a very good example, because not only is he dating black girls, he prefers to date black girls afaik. That guy definately has a range to choose from, but he has a type and mostly sticks to it. And I think that’s perfectly ok, if you do it for the right reasons. Otherwise, you’re just a racist.

  11. The problem is not whether guys find girls of a certain race attractive or not. We all have our tastes and “types.” Rather, the issue is whether a guy can see past cultural differences and let feelings overcome that challenge. I also want to point out that, as a white girl, I have in fact been in a situation where the MAIN reason a guy wouldn’t date me was because of our racial differences.

  12. wow i just had to check my white privilege at the door. i’ve been attracted to and dated a man outside my race, but i’d never considered it in the other direction. i’ve never asked myself “does this guy date white girls?” as if there’s some sort of underlying social assumption that yes, because i’m white, of course he will, because white people are desirable to everyone. WHOA. WHITENESS CHECK.

  13. I dont think I have ever asked myself “does he date latina/lebanese/american” – I think that a lot of folks who are mixed might feel the same way – The mixture shows us that it is possible that we all just see ourselves as HUMAN – and that love trumps all perceived racial difference. Race is a flawed construct meant to separate and isolate people into good and bad. Does he date Humans? … I hope so!

  14. OMG! Similar experience with my roommate and I last weekend. We were talking about the different races we were attracted to. And while mine was an assorted rainbow of beautiful men, my friends was a bit limited. The U.S has had the race issue ever since it was invented and took 200 hundred years to condition people enough to double think or second guess if you are “allowed” to date each other. Even now that those laws of segregation are out, the U.S (especially in the south) are still considering it as a Defacto law. As educated some us are, there are going to be more people out there who were raised with just prejudice thoughts. Which sucks, cause you not only miss out on great human interactions with people, but your dating life will be limited.

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