Lies I Tell My Daughter

Do You Know What Time It Is? It's Two Hours Past Your Bedtime!

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I’m so exhausted at the end of my day that I change the time on my microwave clock and home phone and fast forward the time to two hours ahead and say to my daughter, “It’s 9:45 pm!” That’s two whole hours past your bedtime! Do you realize how late it is?? You need to get to sleep right away!!!”

I know this is sneaky and borderline crazy, but putting Sunny down is not just a regular bedtime routine. It’s a major negotiation process. I say two books, two stories and a surprise. She counters with, “Two books, three stories and a surprise, maybe a massage.” And the worst part of negotiating with Sunny is that she feels in no way obligated to stand by the terms of the negotiated deal.  We will read 2 books and tell 2 stories and right as it is time for her to go to sleep, she will immediately begin a renegotiation.   She’s like a daytime TV actress.

And then she wants to personally pick out her nighttime “surprise” and she normally makes me go through every kitchen cabinet looking for something that will strike her fancy.  That takes FOREVER.  “No, Sunny, we don’t have any souffle.  How do you even know what souffle is?”   She can’t decide if she wants chocolate or a cookie or whatever else we have to offer.

But the joke is on me, after all. The other day I forgot to change the clock back on the microwave, woke up super early (6am) and started waking up my husband and Sunny screaming that he was going to be late for work and she was going to be late for school.  He kept asking why it was dark outside and since when has the baby slept until 8:15?  They showed up at Sunny’s school 2 hours before it opened and ended up having a long breakfast at IHOP.


  • Susan Ward

    so you lie to your child and let her manipulate you at bedtime. That’s not really parenting.

    • Katie Wagener

      Lol oh okay. I didnt know you were the parentibg fairy. All hail the parenting fairy! She can judge a person’s parenting skills by reading one personal anecdote!

    • Cindy Oldfield

      Susan you are reading a comedy writer’s blog entitled “Lies I tell my daughter” calm yourself down for a minute. Its called humor.

    • Meredith Lee

      Read the ending of her story again….how can you NOT laugh at that. She’s essentially saying lying doesn’t always work in your favor. I agree though…you’re reading a comedy writer’s blog….it’s meant to be funny, not parenty.

  • Meredith Lee

    I’m not a parent so I can’t really pass judgement….but regardless, that’s awesome! Ha, ha…

  • Beth Kemnitz

    I had a bedtime negotiator, too, when she was little, which would then be followed by three hours of singing and talking to herself, so I completely empathize with you! Before she learned to tell time on a proper clock, though, and she had a digital clock in her room, the first number I taught her was 7, as in if the first number on the clock isn’t a 7, it’s not time to get up and you have to go back to sleep. Oh, the things we mothers do for just a few more minutes of sleep!

  • Sandra Edgecomb McCormick

    Oh my how funny! I wish when my kids were little that I would have thought to do something like that. A few extra minutes for a mom in the evening is priceless

  • Jacky Cortez

    ha ha ha I can already see myself trying that out with my son <3

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