This past weekend I went to see Safety Not Guaranteed starring the one and only Aubrey Plaza. You know, the one from Parks and Rec who plays Ron Swanson’s deadpan assistant. She probably has to cook a lot of bacon. It also stars Jake Johnson. You know, the guy from New Girl that does the freeze frame jump and that we are all dying to have confess his true love for Jess. It’s gonna happen, right? If the answer’s no, just lie to me.
Anyway, Aubrey plays Darien, an intern at a magazine who assists d-bag Jeff (played by Mr. Johnson) as they head out to write a story about an interesting classified ad they found. You see, some guy put an ad in the paper looking for a partner to go on a time traveling adventure. On their journey to track down this character, they take off on a really poignant and smart and hilarious adventure. It made me want newspaper classified ads to come back into my life.
I really loved this movie and I really highly recommend it. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I had peach fuzz growing around my intestines on a hot day. And all this talk about time travel really got me thinking about my own life. If I could go back in time and change a thing or two, would I? I’m pretty sure the answer should be no. I should be living with no regrets. After all, haven’t I learned from all of my so-called mistakes? I know Cher really wants to go, and she wants to take back those words that hurt you. But would I want to? Well, my answer is not no, it’s a resounding Yes! Hear me out.
You see, I’m not gonna go back and change the big things, because then I might end up accidentally majoring in nursing even though I have the bedside manner of a feral cat. Or I might not steal my freind’s parent’s car and crash it into the side of a mountain and then I would never learn how talented I am at lying. No, I would just go back and change the little things. The things that really didn’t matter at all. The things that might allow me to have a few less humiliating experiences while still ending up as who I turned out to be. Unless there was a way I could end up turning out as Beyonce. If that’s possible then I would change the big things too.
Here is my list of things I would like to go back in time and change:
1. I would not let my mom perm my bangs. Despite wishing every night to become one of the Tanner girls just so that I could make out with Uncle Jesse and the rest of the Beach Boys, my bangs never did live up to DJ or Stephanie’s. I just looked like I was wearing a toupee on crown of my head made of pubic hair.
2. I would strongly encourage myself to not stuff my bra with a water balloon filled with chocolate jello pudding. And even if I couldn’t convince myself, I would definitely not let myself JUMP ON A TRAMPOLINE with my bra stuffed with a water balloon full of chocolate jello pudding. It was a dumb move, you guys. The good thing was that it didn’t pop in my shirt. No, instead it fell out of my bra and popped all over the trampoline. And the only way I knew how to handle it was to call my friend’s dog over to lick it up and then never speak of it again. After this happened, Bill Cosby called me and said, “Zoop zoppity bot wit ya jello biddle bra jus puddin popped!” (Bill Cosby never said that.)
3. I would not tell my cousin it was a good idea to poop in a public pool. Now this might seem mean but I wouldn’t stop it from happening, I would just not be the one who encouraged her to do it. I’m convinced she would still do it, I would just like to distance myself from the whole scenario.
4. I would not jumprope with a knit scarf. I would also not gather the entire neighborhood to watch me jumprope with my knit scarf. Because when I accidentally snagged my foot mid-jump and plowed face-first into my garage floor, my chances of getting a standing ovation went out the window. Not to mention when I stood back up and kept jumping (the show must go on!) my broken nose turned me into a PG-13 version of Carrie. Also, then I wouldn’t have a bump on my nose.
I wanna know: What would you change if you could go back in time?
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