No one likes to have a cold. It’s annoying and not cute, but unfortunately, this is the season for it. Now at least you can figure out a man’s relationship status based on his sniffles.

I sat on the subway across from a man who was clearly suffering from common cold symptoms – runny nose, sneezing, the whole thing. And then I saw him pull out… a paper towel. A bunched up paper towel from his pocket!! Who ever has that? I’ll tell you: an unmarried man. The only thing more shocking than having a random bunched up paper towel in his pocket would’ve been if he had a ring on.

Here is the breakdown:

Sleeve dude: Oh, this one is unfortunate. It really is the worst case scenario, because this guy knew he had a runny nose but couldn’t be bothered to grab a paper product to have handy. So when things start rushin’ and gushin’, he had to get instinctual. Don’t make a mess, but stop what is happening immediately! This guy is clearly way too stubborn to have a lady in his life. Unless it is his mom. Who he probably still lives with. I mean, sleeve dude had no options! He couldn’t even pull out a receipt or something? He needs to get his life in order before a lady will seriously involve herself with him. Also: it’s very likely that sleeve dude will continue to keep sniffling it in, so that he doesn’t have to wipe it on his clothing. Really, dude? Take care of it. And ladies: expect that kind of behavior from him in all areas of life. Will just leave the garbage bag sitting there instead of taking it out, won’t make the appropriate plans for your upcoming vacation and will also procrastinate on getting his laundry done, even when it’s filled with crusted-sleeve shirts. Best case scenario he steps it up to…

Paper towel guy:  This is the universal symbol for a single man with the sniffles. He is luckily one step up from sleeve dude, a bit more mature. He knew his nose was running, and enough that it was on his mind to grab something to have in case it turned into a Niagara Falls situation. It’s so rough and scratchy that even if he wasn’t sick, no lady would want to press their face up against his. But he doesn’t have to worry about that. Now this is a guy that’s had a few colds before. He knows how they work. He knew he needed to be prepared. But not too prepared. Just enough to not make a total mess on his face. It comes down to the fact that he had to fend for himself – no one around to provide him with a suitable snot-catcher. So he crumples his ball of Bounty back up and shoves it in his pocket, along with much room for improvement. Because there’s a high probability that he reuses that rag until he pulls it together to eventually become…

Some random bunched up tissues man: Look, he gets points for having tissues. At least he’s got the right product! His relationship status is a little less certain: he’s putting just enough effort into his health and that translates to his personal life. He could be single and if he is, he is a grown man ready for a relationship. He’s not quite in one, but he’s open to the idea of it and can get it together for the right lady. If he IS in a relationship – it won’t be for much longer. A wad of tissues shows the bare essentials, getting the job done but not flourishing. This means he has a date night here and there, gets flowers on important days, but isn’t going above and beyond in his relationship. Just meeting the basic requirements of keeping a lady around. If you are a single lady, this is the right type of guy to pursue (well after he gets rid of that pesky cold). He’s ready for the right relationship to come along, even if he’s technically already in one… although the lady in his life is starting to notice the packet of tissues gentlemen around her…

Packet of tissues gentleman: Best case scenario, although clearly a taken man. This is a gentleman that has an amazing woman in his life that not only made sure he had acceptable sickness accessories, but they are the best kind: little individual packets of soft tissues! I bet she has plenty of orange juice, soup, Day and Nyquil at home. And probably a tiny bottle of Purell in his pocket. This guy has got it MADE! Sadly if you see a guy pull out a tiny packet of tissues, you are going to be attracted to him. It’s only natural. He has his life together! He’s prepared, aware, polite. Except those words actually apply to his loving wife or girlfriend. Oh with one small exception – if he has a small pack of tissues that has lotion built into them: he has the best boyfriend!

So keep this handy guide in mind when you are sitting across from a sick hottie (not just because of his fever!) at the doctor’s office and by the time spring seasonal allergies get here, you’ll be handing your new gentleman a packet of tissues.