Charming personality, winning sense of humor, spontaneous and attractive in a Ryan Gosling way but doesn’t know it – these are my must-haves in a potential boyfriend. Not that I’m the Yoda of dating and modern relationships but I have dated the whole gamut in my 26 years: a Preacher’s Son, an Atheist, Satan with an SEC haircut, the guy who sells Christmas trees at Home Depot and the guy with a solid trust fund who I affectionately refer to as Vacay Cam. What do all of these dopes have in common? They love to tell you all about every major and minor activity they’re apart of, pictures and ridiculous hash tags included. Lucky me, right?
Here are some of the odd, unnecessary and sometimes down carny cray social media behaviors of guys everywhere that drive us crazy…and not in the warm and fuzzy I-want-to-jump-you way. Feel free to relate.
Checking In Everywhere
I don’t need to know when and where you eat every “monstrous” meal and which of your “bros” you take with you. Guys only check-in and tweet their exact location for one of two reasons: they want to impress a girl or they want to make a girl jealous. Both are bad. Guys, if you want to impress a girl try taking her out on a date and having conversation while making her laugh. Occasionally throw in a word or two about your career goals and/or your five-year plan and you’re golden. Note: Ambition is attractive. On the other hand, guys often broadcast where they are and who’s with them in a thinly-veiled attempt to make a current or ex lady-friend jealous or better, realize what a good time they’re having with someone else. Those guys are the worst.
In the car whilst “driving.” In line to get into “the most dope show EVER.” At the gym about to “hit it hard.” I’m sorry, but when did it become socially acceptable for a grown (straight) man to spend 3-5 minutes taking a picture of himself doing nothing spectacular at just the right angle then applying the best filter for his skin tone and mood? I have total respect for most men until I see the dreaded picture of them posing with their sunglasses on, attempting to look serious while doing what I can only compare to pouting and then adding a #bored, #workhardplayhard or my favorite, #you’rewelcome. Ladies, if a guy is taking a picture of himself his non-existent self-confidence is mixing with his narcissistic tendencies to create one tool bag of a man-child. Steer clear until he sees the error of his ways.
TMI In Your Bio/About Me
Puulease, for the love of Ray J stop trying to woo the ladies through Coldplay lyrics and short paragraphs describing your ability to “work hard and play harder.” Insert wink face here. Nothing makes me delete your number faster than cringing while scrolling down twice just to skim the 300-word diatribe you most likely had your roommate edit for you. This is not your CareerBuilder or LinkedIn account. Don’t be a total square – say something if you feel so compelled but aim for short and normal with some solid comedic value.
Poking and Other Unacceptable Ways of Saying Hello
It’s not 2006. True story: I still get “poked” 2-3 times a week by two different guys who feel like we’re on the friend level since we attended the same university five years ago. Nice try. I don’t recall ever having a conversation with either of them of substance and needless to say I find the poking to be just as awkward as when it was first introduced and somewhat acceptable. Have I ever returned the sentiment? Never. Come on guys, social cues. Sure, we joke about guys not having a clue and sometimes needing to hear us spell it out, but they aren’t completely inept. No (normal) female sees such behavior and thinks, “Wow, he knows what’s up. I have to have him now.”
My final piece of advice? Girls, since we run the world, feel free to be the beacon of truth to the guy or guys in your life. Preach the good message that to be seen like a man they shouldn’t post everyday like a needy girl or my bored mother who just discovered “The Twitter.” Instead, post with discretion and always with humor in mind when you feel like it. Then unplug. Besides, a little mystery goes a long way.