Depressionista: A Letter to the Internet; Spite or in spite of, that is the question.

My shower acts as a bidet when I run out of toilet Paper” – Me. Real. Now.

 Dear Internet,

How I love thee.

You are so available, open and have very few filters.  Those ’18 and up’ buttons don’t fool me; I always say I was born in 1901.  Here’s the thing, Internet.  You are like the Costco of life.  Everything online is unlimited, unfiltered and most likely aggressive.

Internet, you instilled in me a fake confidence that makes me feel self-assured and less than all at the same time.  You give me the courage to send e-mails full of declarations I would never normally say to someone’s face and defriend someone I would never stop talking to (because I am co-dependent).  You give me the malevolence to criticize and observe others online – and completely judge them – while at the same time giving myself a huge hug that says, “Its okay, none of this actually counts.  I’m fake, this world is fake, I’m an imaginary relationship you have with the rest of the world.”

You can dictate how you want your life and the lives of others to go all through a click of a button or a slanderous comment.

Dear Internet, you have changed my life and the lives of others in a serious way.  Before you, I had a healthy distance from the people who disliked me.  The chances of me running into them or hearing from them was super slim.  But then you came along and now, not only do I see and hear from the people who dislike me, I now get an added dose of strangers who dislike me.  Internet, you are not at fault for this and nor do I want to blame you.  But I just want to be honest.  I use you like most people do, every day, and I generally feel bad afterwards.  So I deserve it.

I love you.  I really do.  You’re the abusive relationship I’ve always wanted.  You give me the love I need through emails from my 85-year old grandma, kitten videos that make me laugh and most of all, you brought me Susan Boyle.  You’ve given me an outlet to be creative when the rest of the world wasn’t interested.  I get to be creative through you, but at what cost?  Every post, tweet, and video I put up is immediately put into the blender of the universe.  The part that gets caught up in that blender is my heart.

Internet – can I call you Intie for short?  Intie, you have created an outlet for everyone to participate in freedom of speech that our founding fathers could have never anticipated.  I don’t think they could have imagined cyber bullying and death threats.  Or for artists like myself, it’s like a constant audition at life but I get to read the “No thank you, we are going another way” in real time and they are usually not that kind.

Internet, I am not breaking up with you.  I just think we should take some time to think about our part in this relationship. Because that is what this is.  We both participate.  I just want you to know that I care about you and sometimes my creativity misses the spot because I am too busy trying to shock you or get your attention. I really just want you to validate me.  It never works.  But when I am honest and do my best work, I don’t need you or anyone else’s pat on the back. I thank you for the outlet.  So maybe that is my part.  Maybe that is what I focus on and you can focus on your relationship with the rest of the world.  I will do my best to remember that by judging others, I am just judging myself.

So, Internet,  I am glad we had this talk. Want to rent a movie on iTunes and fall asleep before it downloads?  Because I do. I am sick of Googling salvia videos.