I’m sure if I told you a little about myself you’d think I was just another teenage girl begging for attention with each time I seriously contemplated suicide. But I could tell you a little more and maybe you’d understand that I was another victim who succumbed to the disease of depression.
I had a battle with self harm since the age of 12 and it wasn’t until I was in my sophomore year of high school when I realized I had no standing. I had no friends and no one to eat lunch with. I spent my lunches in the hallway by myself. That is the year that I met someone who would soon be the most important person in my life and the one I almost ended it for. My science teacher.
He knew from the get go I was going to be a bright and promising student. He convinced me to take his advanced placement chemistry course the following year. He became my best friend. He knew my secrets, my flaws and my fears. He noticed I was suffering from depression and found me the help that I didn’t know I needed. My junior year went by and we grew even closer. My therapist saw red flags and kids at school talked. It didn’t matter. I had found a friend who knew the darkest depths of depression and how easy it was to let it consume you. Someone finally understood me. By the time senior year came around, we were inseparable.
I had daddy issues and it felt like things were so far out of control and the only thing I ever did was cut myself. I was running out of areas to cut on and I was using every sharp object in sight. I knew I needed help and I confided in my teacher. Again, he came to my rescue and got the help I needed. A few months later I finally kicked my dad out of my life and a friend of mine had just passed away. There was a lot of pain, but he was the light at the end of every dark tunnel.
Just when things were getting better I was being pulled out of school by the local police department to be questioned about my relationship with my teacher. The rumor mill in high school is the nastiest thing ever. Our relationship wasn’t normal but it wasn’t inappropriate. My peers seemed to think so though. Another girl had sent some scandalous photos to my teacher and I was the one accused of sleeping with him. I was a wreck. I had told myself it was my fault. I was getting my best friend in trouble. It was all my fault. I was sent to a psychiatric center for adolescents. I spent two weeks in the hospital where I pretended I was okay. I got out and after being six months clean of no cutting, I relapsed. I almost dropped out of school despite my above average grade point average. Cutting made things manageable though and I graduated.
I spent the summer working and eventually broke. I couldn’t handle the stress of an ongoing police investigation and not being able to talk to my best friend. I turned myself into the hospital where I was confined to a suicide room. Let me tell you, it’s no different from what you see in the movies. It was awful.
I wanted to kill myself and end the pain. Instead, the doctors referred me to an intensive outpatient program where I spent three weeks in a school setting, learning how to deal with my emotions. I came to terms that I was in love with this man and that I wanted nothing more than to take care of him. I depended on him and relied on him for happiness. I blamed myself for everything bad that ever happened, and if he was suffering, then I deserved to suffer as well.
His hearing came and went. The news broadcasted that I was the one sexting and I had to relive all the whispers over and over. I got the help that I needed though and I was able to get through the days.
Now I have a new job that I am really excited about, I’ve had sex (and it was great), I am in college following my dreams. I still haven’t spoken to him because he is on probation and I still hurt everyday, but I am happy to be alive. I have been in the darkest of corners and felt the lowest of lows. But I have survived this life. And I have done it without him, and I know that I can continue to do so. For once in my life I am excited for the future and for the unknowns. Checking myself into the hospital was the best decision I could have ever made for myself.
Only you can get yourself through a difficult time. Don’t give anyone else credit for the successes you have earned. Live life for yourself and not for anyone else. I know it’s a cliché but you aren’t alone in the fight with depression. It can be better though. And it’s worth seeking out help, because being alive is truly something I am grateful for everyday.
If you or someone you know is battling with self-harm, depression or thoughts of suicide, please reach out. There are so many resources at your disposal. Nothing is worth ending your life for.
I am just a young adult who wishes to share her story and help others who struggle with depression and like issues. I can be reached through Facebook.
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