FRESH GIGGLES Dear Yoga: A breakup letter. Vanessa King

Dear Yoga,

The distance you’re feeling between us is intentional.

Over the last decade, I’ve tried really hard to keep you in my life, but you aren’t an easy lover.  You’re unnatural.  Spiteful.  Unrelenting.  The pain that you cause is often unbearable.  I spend an hour with you and all I feel is frustration and you know what?  I’m tired of it.

I really want you to like me as much as I try to like you, but let’s face facts:  I’m the only one working at this relationship and frankly, it’s exhausting.  I give and I give and I give and all you do is ask me to give more.  I’m constantly going the extra mile and though you promise to take me to a higher level of consciousness, you never really deliver. It’s the same old story and it’s getting very repetitive.

You’re nothing but a game-player and you’ll pimp yourself out to anyone who’ll give you the time of day – and I’m over it.  I get it:  you’re experienced and EVERYBODY’s tried out a position or two with you.  But for someone like me who’s really tried to commit to a relationship, the sheer volume of aerobic demands that you require is just too much for me to handle… I’m not superhuman, you know.  Sure, a girl has needs and we all like a little variety but honey, you’re out of control.

You’re nothing but a complete tease.  I see my toned, lengthened, lean, copacetic friends thriving on their uber-close relationship with you.  What gives?  Seriously?  Why can’t we be like that when we’re together?  I find myself avoiding you and coming up with excuses as to why we can’t be together while you’re out gallivanting around with some of my BFFs.  Frankly, I’m jealous as hell.  And yet, as enraged as you make me feel (I never feel at peace when we’re together, by the way), I just can’t quit you.  You have this draw that I just can’t escape.  So, I think we have to be done.

Don’t worry.  It’s not like you won’t find somebody else to fall (literally) head over heels in love with you. Everybody likes you.  With your reputation of having that mellow personality everyone thinks you have, you’ll never have problems making new lovers.

I’d love to say “It’s been fun!”, but that’d be a complete lie, so Namaste (yea, right),

Vanessa

p.s. Don’t trying to accuse me of cheating on you with Pilates because it’s not like I wasn’t friends with him while we were together.

Image via NativeRemedies

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  1. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of HelloGiggles – Dear Yoga: A breakup letter. . Thanks for the post. I will certainly comeback.

  2. haha I enjoy Pilates so much more than Yoga

  3. to post a comment

  4. You’re hilarious Vanessa, great letter. I have to take this opportunity to mention one of my teachers Tamal Dodge. He is a relaxing, spiritual and inspirational teacher and he just released a DVD for beginners that’s amazing!
    http://www.amazon.com/Element-Hatha-Flow-Beginners-Strap/dp/B0058UHR6W

  5. Yes – this is how I feel when it comes to Yoga – and Zumba? I already have natural rhythm and can dance my socks off without leaving my front room and I come away feeling happier and sweatier. What is wrong with me?

  6. Yadda yadda yoga… its all about Zumba!

  7. I love Bikram yoga. I don’t go to a studio, though, so my room is only around 85, not 105, but I’d probably lose it at 105. It hurts like hell, and I’m left reeling for at least a day and a half, but I feel better. I don’t have one of those super toned “Yoga” bodies, but my flexibility is better, my knees are getting better, and hopefully my back will be the next on the better list.

    I do want to get back into pilates as well. I feel like it tones me up more, but I just can’t get rid of yoga.

  8. Dear Yoga, why after 3 years of practicing can I STILL not “fly into crow?” And what are these bulges poking out through my $100 lululemon outfits? The waif-like instructors say things like “Breathe it into existence” and make me wonder if they are some special highly evolved version of the human species… Yoga, you are a hateful thing.

    See you next week.

  9. i love my yoga dvd… when i’m alone. my friends are not yoga-people. but i agree, man its tough sometimes, and i fall… a lot. but i always feel better after doing it.

  10. Certified teacher – not training – please excuse my morning brain.

  11. Aw I am sorry your experience with yoga has been so poor. Have you considered Hot yoga – NOT bikram yoga, but Moksha yoga? I can not stand regular yoga, it bores me to tears. If you can find a hot studio near you, I would recommend it! The hot room, while it may sound daunting actually allows your muscles to move more easily and with more comfort. If you do try it, please make sure your studio has properly trained and certified training – which means 1 month intensive training followed by 11 months of continued training and over 500 hours of hot room teaching hours! Hope you find love for yoga again!

  12. Dang…and here I am trying to find a Yoga class to love. If this is the way Yoga treats people, I’m not so sure I wanna hang with it. Like as if I need any more complicating relationships in my life. I already deal with Matrix Elliptical this way. I mean, I give and give and give, and receive nothing back in return. What more does it want from me? Ya know? Anyone will tell us that they’re good for us, but when does the work end MAN!?! When does it pay off? As much as I put into this relationship with Matrix Elliptical, I sure wish it’d put in as much in return. Reciprocate! You know? Fair is fair! But yet, even when I say I’m done, and ready to throw in that sweaty towel, I can’t. Matrix Elliptical knows that I’ll always have this guilt in the back of my head & always take it back. I just can’t quit it. This relationship can’t be healthy…but yet, it sooo is. It’s just so complicating! Ugh.

  13. I go back and forth with yoga. I love you, yoga. I hate you, yoga. I hear ya, Vanessa.