— guy crush

Dear Ryan Gosling

4) Stop being a great actor.

You started your career as a Mouseketeer alongside Justin, Britney and Christina. However, instead of being in NSYNC, you chose to be in Half Nelson.


As Jon Lovitz would say, “ACTING!”

Dude, you’re like a crazy awesome character actor. You don’t take on film roles because of the fame you might get or the franchise potential. You do movies because you love exploring emotions and telling great stories. This means that even though I want to just walk away and not care about your career, I can’t. The movies you make will always be interesting. I saw Drive last weekend and I was blown away. I was impressed with how it was trying to marry B-movie action with art house cinematography. I was impressed with the soundtrack. I was impressed with how much I wanted climb your character’s body like a tree and wrap myself around you forever. That last part was less a product of your acting skills and more a result of you being too beautiful. Also, I have never before wanted to add to a dating website profile, “Must be willing to carry my groceries and stomp the heads in of people who are trying to kill me”.  But because of Drive, I might have to.

5) Stop being a real hero.

You are a really nice, stand up kind of guy. Why? WHY?


Ryan saves his dog from an evil “no dogs on the escalator” sign and kills my chances of sanity.

After I saw (and blogged about) the video of you breaking up a fight on the streets of New York, I found myself walking alone at night in dangerous neighborhoods. See, I was looking for a fight. I wanted desperately to get involved in an altercation to see if you would arrive out of nowhere to break up my fight. Because that is my fantasy. Well, that’s not my only fantasy. It is one of many, many fantasies that you have inspired. But basically, I can’t live my life hoping to get into trouble because you’ve led me to believe that you *might* rescue me. It’s dangerous because you won’t. I know this because I’m pretty sure you’re in LA right now shooting a movie. I know you’re probably in LA shooting a movie because you have officially caused me to lose my mind and become a cyber stalker.

In conclusion, just stop it. Just stop being so Ryan Gosling. I’m thankful you exist. Really, I am. But I need my sanity back. I have to be able to face the world with the knowledge that The Notebook is just a really good movie and not an outline for how all my relationships should be.

Ryan Gosling, you are a life ruiner.

Sincerely,

Me

p.s. NEVER CHANGE

2Continue reading
newsletter illustration

Giggles in Your Inbox

!