guy crushDear Ryan GoslingMeghan O'Keefe

In honor of your birthday today, Ryan Gosling, we are re-sending you this love letter.

Hey Boy,

I think we need to talk.

You have to stop. Just stop. It’s getting to be too much. See, I’m just a girl who sits in a cubicle all day.  I have to live in a real world. Not the kind of “real world” with MTV cameras and token drama queens. I live in the kind of “real world” where I have to deal with men who can’t afford to buy me coffee and who can’t emotionally commit. The longer you continue to be so Ryan Gosling, the harder it’s going to be for me to want to live in that world.

For my own sanity and for the sanity of women like me everywhere, I made a list of ways in which you can stop being so Ryan Gosling.

1) Stop being so attractive.

Just look at you.

This montage is from a blog called “ryanf***inggosling.tumblr.com”. The blog is perfection, except for the fact that it should be called “mef***ingryangosling.tumblr.com”.

You’re like Derek Zoolander, dude. You know, you’re really, really, ridiculously good-looking. You’re one of the few men I can think of who can do anything to his hair and I still would find you attractive. Also, you’re not too pretty. You’re gorgeous, but you still look like a man. If you were alive in Ancient Greece, sculptors would use your form as a model for true masculine beauty. (And Aristotle would add “Being Ryan Gosling” to the list of virtues a man should have.) Why is this a problem? Because instead of getting my work done, I’ve been spending my entire day planning our wedding. I’ve looked into how much renting my dream venue, the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, would be. This is a problem for two reasons. One, I can’t afford it. Two, I’m supposed to be doing expense reports. I realize you can’t control how you look, but if you lived your life with a bag over your head, I’d never have to worry about being fired.

2) Stop adoring women so much.

Every time you are with a woman you have this way of looking at her as though she is the most important thing in the universe.

This one person this one time told me I look like Emma Stone, so this photo is torture.

I think it’s because you might actually appreciate women. You only have nice things to say about ex-girlfriends Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams. You still reportedly hang out with your mom and sister. You also say THE BEST THINGS EVER about your female co-stars. When you were doing press for Crazy, Stupid, Love, you said to a reporter, “Show me someone that wouldn’t give it all up for Emma Stone, and I’ll show you a liar.” About Michelle Williams, you said, “She’s like Montana… If you want to get somewhere, you gotta, you gotta drive there. You gotta take the time to get there.” When I first read that, I had no clue what it meant. After three weeks meditating on it during my morning subway commute, I figured it out. It means you are better than any man alive. You’re also probably better than any man who is currently dead (not because you’re still alive and they are not, but because even when they were alive they were not as good at being a man as you are).

3) Stop being so adorable with children.

So, you’re at a premiere for a movie. Are you holding a cigarette in your hand? No. You’re holding a child.

I must go back in time and become a child only so I can be held like this.

Did you hear that loud boom in the far off distance? Those were my ovaries exploding.  That’s it. They’re done. I will never be able to give birth to children of my own because I have seen what you look like when you hold a little girl in your arms. But why would I want to give birth to children of my own when I know they won’t be yours? Do you know how many days of my life I’ve spent crying into my cardigan sleeves because I have to live with the knowledge that I will never give birth to your children? Nine. Technically, I’ve spent fourteen days crying, but the other five happened in the summertime so I wasn’t wearing a cardigan.

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  • christian coleman

    i am giving this testimony cos l am happy My name is Mrs. Santana Valdez from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in may 28th 2014 this year on a business summit. i meet a man called Dr Zuma zuk.He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com Great Zuma zuk i thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address… spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay…What a powerful man such as Dr Zuma zuk.. he is so much powerful..\ email him for any difficulties.. spiritualherbalisthealers@gmail.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001316318781 Tara Viehweg

    Sure, Ryan Gosling is attractive, but really–your ovaries exploded? Just throwing it out there, if a man wrote a letter like this about a woman and implied he wanted to impregnate her, saying something to the effect that his sperm exploded or something, people everywhere would freak out and call him rapey. Talking about him being a great actor is one thing, but talking about the tumblr page and how it should be called “mef—ingryangosling” is a little much. Again, if a man wrote a letter like this and talked about f—ing a female actress, the world would be up in arms. Just saying. Don’t be so creepy, people.

    • http://www.rosiecoco.com sera

      I agree, I’m not for objectification of people. So you can talk on & on about how good looking someone is – but at the end of the day I’m bored & not convinced I want to be with this man. I guess I honor personality & intellect more, while the rest of the world focus’ on looks just because they say they can.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=723950667 Juliana Fernandez Casas

    And his dog is adopted!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=821349185 Becca Corleone

    Honey, we’re the same! I’ve come to the point of googling what does it mean when you dream about Ryan Gosling because it’s way too much! STOP IT ALREADY RYAN GOSLING!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1462252007 Nanda Tardan

    realy entertaining article.

    love this post, love ryan gosling.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=46901672 Lauren Nicole

    I wish this was a new article instead of one that was used 2 years ago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1329597852 Alexandra Graine

    Il est génial cet article ! trop drôle !

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1359735046 Lisa Thomas Bledsoe

    you should be writing because you have what it takes…who knows he could star in a screen play written by you know who…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003305583889 Ziggy Elliott Smith

    Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/candace.cederblade Candace Cederblade

    You’re preaching to the choir, sister.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000223206151 Chanel Paulk

    you stole my mind and wrote all of my thoughts exactly!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/nickgthinks Nick Monticore Goodwin

    6) Stop dressing so well…but then, who’s style would I emulate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1221284961 Mary Ann Pappas Richardson

    to post a comment

  • http://www.facebook.com/aaron.hempel Aaron Hempel

    the guy is making males everywhere look bad hahahaa

  • http://www.facebook.com/aaron.hempel Aaron Hempel

    hahahaah

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001441734132 Mel Meinhart

    Oh how I love thee!

  • http://www.facebook.com/AllisonTara Allison Lansky

    I love Ryan, I love this tribute to Ryan, and by proxy… I love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1612922019 Heather Messner Giesey

    I LOVE this post! I too, am a HUGE Ryan Gosling fan. I was LUCKY enough to actually run into him at a casino in Detroit back in March. He was filming a movie in MI at the time beinhg directed by George Clooney. I had just enough wine (liquid courage) to go up to him. He was SO kind, considerate, down to earth and PERFECT. He actually kissed me on the cheek as my husband watched from a far. LOL! I swore I’d never wash my cheek again. The next day, I watched the Notebook 5 times…..which makes a total of at least 105. I LOVE RYAN GOSLING!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1612922019 Heather Messner Giesey

    to post a comment

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=586377605 Brooke Ward

    FYI, he sings too. And his songs have the magic power of automatically making your pants fall off.

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