Dear Ryan Gosling
by Meghan O'Keefe
Hey Boy,
I think we need to talk.
You have to stop. Just stop. It’s getting to be too much. See, I’m just a girl who sits in a cubicle all day. I have to live in a real world. Not the kind of “real world” with MTV cameras and token drama queens. I live in the kind of “real world” where I have to deal with men who can’t afford to buy me coffee and who can’t emotionally commit. The longer you continue to be so Ryan Gosling, the harder it’s going to be for me to want to live in that world.
For my own sanity and for the sanity of women like me everywhere, I made a list of ways in which you can stop being so Ryan Gosling.
1) Stop being so attractive.
Just look at you.
This montage is from a blog called "ryanf***inggosling.tumblr.com". The blog is perfection, except for the fact that it should be called "mef***ingryangosling.tumblr.com".
You’re like Derek Zoolander, dude. You know, you’re really, really, ridiculously good-looking. You’re one of the few men I can think of who can do anything to his hair and I still would find you attractive. Also, you’re not too pretty. You’re gorgeous, but you still look like a man. If you were alive in Ancient Greece, sculptors would use your form as a model for true masculine beauty. (And Aristotle would add “Being Ryan Gosling” to the list of virtues a man should have.) Why is this a problem? Because instead of getting my work done, I’ve been spending my entire day planning our wedding. I’ve looked into how much renting my dream venue, the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, would be. This is a problem for two reasons. One, I can’t afford it. Two, I’m supposed to be doing expense reports. I realize you can’t control how you look, but if you lived your life with a bag over your head, I’d never have to worry about being fired.
2) Stop adoring women so much.
Every time you are with a woman you have this way of looking at her as though she is the most important thing in the universe.
This one person this one time told me I look like Emma Stone, so this photo is torture.
I think it’s because you might actually appreciate women. You only have nice things to say about ex-girlfriends Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams. You still reportedly hang out with your mom and sister. You also say THE BEST THINGS EVER about your female co-stars. When you were doing press for Crazy, Stupid, Love, you said to a reporter, “Show me someone that wouldn’t give it all up for Emma Stone, and I’ll show you a liar.” About Michelle Williams, you said, ”She’s like Montana… If you want to get somewhere, you gotta, you gotta drive there. You gotta take the time to get there.” When I first read that, I had no clue what it meant. After three weeks meditating on it during my morning subway commute, I figured it out. It means you are better than any man alive. You’re also probably better than any man who is currently dead (not because you’re still alive and they are not, but because even when they were alive they were not as good at being a man as you are).
3) Stop being so adorable with children.
So, you’re at a premiere for a movie. Are you holding a cigarette in your hand? No. You’re holding a child.
I must go back in time and become a child only so I can be held like this.
Did you hear that loud boom in the far off distance? Those were my ovaries exploding. That’s it. They’re done. I will never be able to give birth to children of my own because I have seen what you look like when you hold a little girl in your arms. But why would I want to give birth to children of my own when I know they won’t be yours? Do you know how many days of my life I’ve spent crying into my cardigan sleeves because I have to live with the knowledge that I will never give birth to your children? Nine. Technically, I’ve spent fourteen days crying, but the other five happened in the summertime so I wasn’t wearing a cardigan.
4) Stop being a great actor.
You started your career as a Mouseketeer alongside Justin, Britney and Christina. However, instead of being in NSYNC, you chose to be in Half Nelson.
As Jon Lovitz would say, "ACTING!"
Dude, you’re like a crazy awesome character actor. You don’t take on film roles because of the fame you might get or the franchise potential. You do movies because you love exploring emotions and telling great stories. This means that even though I want to just walk away and not care about your career, I can’t. The movies you make will always be interesting. I saw Drive last weekend and I was blown away. I was impressed with how it was trying to marry B-movie action with art house cinematography. I was impressed with the soundtrack. I was impressed with how much I wanted climb your character’s body like a tree and wrap myself around you forever. That last part was less a product of your acting skills and more a result of you being too beautiful. Also, I have never before wanted to add to a dating website profile, “Must be willing to carry my groceries and stomp the heads in of people who are trying to kill me”. But because of Drive, I might have to.
5) Stop being a real hero.
You are a really nice, stand up kind of guy. Why? WHY?
Ryan saves his dog from a "no dogs on escalator" sign and destroys my chances at sanity.
Ryan saves his dog from an evil "no dogs on the escalator" sign and kills my chances of sanity.
After I saw (and blogged about) the video of you breaking up a fight on the streets of New York, I found myself walking alone at night in dangerous neighborhoods. See, I was looking for a fight. I wanted desperately to get involved in an altercation to see if you would arrive out of nowhere to break up my fight. Because that is my fantasy. Well, that’s not my only fantasy. It is one of many, many fantasies that you have inspired. But basically, I can’t live my life hoping to get into trouble because you’ve led me to believe that you *might* rescue me. It’s dangerous because you won’t. I know this because I’m pretty sure you’re in LA right now shooting a movie. I know you’re probably in LA shooting a movie because you have officially caused me to lose my mind and become a cyber stalker.
In conclusion, just stop it. Just stop being so Ryan Gosling. I’m thankful you exist. Really, I am. But I need my sanity back. I have to be able to face the world with the knowledge that The Notebook is just a really good movie and not an outline for how all my relationships should be.
Ryan Gosling, you are a life ruiner.
Sincerely,
Me
p.s. NEVER CHANGE
See more posts from Meghan
09.25.2011 |
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This is legitimately the second open letter to him that I’ve read on the Internet tonight, haha! Beautiful post though. He really does just need to stop being such a life ruiner.
So true…
i nodded my head in agreement throughout this entire piece. thank you.
This is fantastic. Hilarious, but true
I just stumbled upon this letter (not really..i saw the name ryan gosling and that was it) and everything you said is what i feel about him EVERYDAY. Even my boyfriend appreciates Ryan Gosling. Though it wasnt the notebook that did it for me..it was his performance in Lars and the real girl..arggh!!! SOO TRUE!!
I laughed out loud at this, it’s scary how you’ve read my mind. Great piece.
All true, all 100% true. Love it!
I’m gonna cry…! soo trruuee..
The best letter to a celeb I’ve ever read! 100% true and accurate. Maybe Ryan will come across it and apologize to you personally! Lol.
A-Men. That is all.
IMO, I miss him doing sci-fi/fantasy…I loved watching him on “Young Hercules”, and since he’s supposed to be in a remake of “Logan’s Run”, I’m waiting for that.
I think the problem is, he needs to STOP doing drama for a while. “Crazy Stupid Love” was a a start, but really, I’m more likely to follow someone who’s versatile than a guy who sticks with one thing for much of his career.
And you didn’t even mention Dead Man’s Bones, his awesome band (that is a partnership with a children’s choir, so yeah). He is more the-best than anyone I can think of.
that’s what I was just going to say, hes a musician too! *drool*
THANK YOU. You basically just summed up my frustration at his GLORIOUS hotness.
I read the comments too and yeah! His band! His voice!
Otherwise, I completely agree with your letter and thanks for speaking for all us Ryan-struck women.
Agree a million time over. He should just stop it. Also- great find on the ryan gosling tumblr. immediately going to follow them.
Oh wow. This was AWESOME!
This pretty much sums up my life. Thank you!
OMG!!! This was awesome and completely true. I watch his movies pretty much thinking the same things as you!.
This is the best thing to wake up to on a Sunday. ILOVERYANGOSLING! He is all that is man. I listen to Dead Mans Bones at least once a day just to hear his amazing voice. Thank your for writing this!! PS. my bff and I have officially Made Monday’s RYAN GOSLING MONDAYS. I think it helps us wake up on the morning
LOL I loved this!
awesome!
Hey! That montage is actually from fuckyeahmcgosling.tumblr.com (> http://fuckyeahmcgosling.tumblr.com/post/7169307762)
Yep! Apparently I got it wrong! So sorry! I was too dazzled by Ryan’s many faces to accurately track down the correct source. See? HE MUST BE STOPPED. (j/k he should NEVER stop)
Agreed! Agreed! Agreed!
Hilarious but true! LOL
Meghan, and the rest of the women reading and agreeing with this, you listen to me and you listen to me good. Back off! Ryan Gosling is all mine!!! hahahahaha but seriously, he is. I am not afraid to ninja fight you all for him.
I SO feel you, Meghan. He should also stop being such an amazing performer, guitarist, singer, songwriter. He’s in an awesome band called Dead Man’s Bones, check them out! It’s just unfair, so much talent and charm in one person. Ryan is one of the three men I’ve never met in person and probably never will, but I’d still marry them in a second. How can I help it?
“Did you hear that loud boom in the far off distance? Those were my ovaries exploding. That’s it. They’re done.” Haa Genius!
OMG! Have you been reading my diary?! But seriously, why is he so hot? When I saw him walk out on Conan’s stage in that suit last week, I literally Squeeed!
Obviously we are all soul sisters. I’m only basing this on our deep lust and appreciation for Ryan Gosling, but “What else is there?”
I love everything about this. How I hate/love him…le sigh.
“Do you know how many days of my life I’ve spent crying into my cardigan sleeves because I have to live with the knowledge that I will never give birth to your children? Nine. Technically, I’ve spent fourteen days crying, but the other five happened in the summertime so I wasn’t wearing a cardigan.” Too good.
Hahaha!! Best letter so far! You made me laugh the whole time I read!! Hahah!! Thanks!
SIGH. I love this. I wish I could go back in time and smack my young-self for thinking Ryan was a stupid boy on MMC and fawning over Tony Lucca instead. I mean, Tony Lucca IS worthy of the fawning and Ryan was my exact same age so he was kind of lame back then but NOW. Oh, now….
seriously.
Girl, I feel like he’s going to end up reading this. It’s starting to gain a bit of attention.
I forgot to mention that it would be AWESOME.
I didn’t read any of these past comments, but is anyone else aware that Ryan Gosling has a band on the side as well? The band is called Dead Man’s Bones, and it has a lot of children’s choirs, and jingle bells. He sings, too.
This is so hilarious, I love it – well put!
OMG!!! I just LOL’ed real hard A LOT at this! Basically because I feel exactly the same way. I’m newly single and seriously had the thought “I need to make out with Ryan Gosling before my next boyfriend.” This was a very serious thought! Thank you for being funny.
Not to mention his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel when he brought his dog that had a mohawk, was wearing a sock and ate apples? GOOD GOD MAN!!
Ryan Gosling is a l i f e r u i n e r .
This is SO how I feel and it is RUINING my life!
so.freaking.hilar.
be my friend, please.
we are the same person, i’m convinced!
I grinned stupidly the whole time I read this. It is like you were inside my brain! Damn you Ryan Gosling & your awesome hotness and inherent goodness. He makes all men pale in comparison.
Why don’t I get letters telling me to stop being so awesome
I’m awesome too… My mommy said so!
haha! so great!
This is brilliant. I could not stop laughing at the Montana-Michelle Williams part. And now I need to go check out that R. Gosling tumblr. But preferably not right now while I am at work. Wont be able to contain myself. lol
AWESOME!!!!!
hahhaa you are hilarious.
Girls, Girls, Girls! Don’t you ever say your Mother didn’t warn you about men like this! When are you ever going to listen? LOL!
Please Ryan! Stop being so amazing!! *faint*
I agree to~He is an amazing gifted actor~Im gay and I have fallen for him~My favorite movie of him is with Rachael McAdams in The NoteBook
A man so special, that after we saw ‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’ my husband looked at me on the ride home and said, “You’re like a less-adorable Ryan Gosling.” Just STOP IT, Ryan, you life ruiner.
before this summer, i used to be sanely attracted to ryan gosling. in one of those “yeah, he’s hot. yeah he’s a good actor” kind of ways. but now, after having him in my town for the entire summer filming a movie, and actually stand right next to him in real life for real, it’s blossomed into full-blown obsession. so thank you for this article.
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Oh, Meghan, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. The scene in ‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’ where Emma storms into the club soaking wet and winds up in the hottest kiss in movie history with Ryan, I swear I heard every woman in the theater (and probably some of the men too) let out a sigh. When he took his shirt off at her command, indeed every woman in the theater gasped. He really must stop being so Ryan Gosling, and yet that would be such a crime to humanity.
This makes me appreciate my British Ryan Gosling all the more!
Guys, I heard Ryan Gosling has really bad B.O. Okay, I just made that up to try and make us all feel better.
I’m pretty sure we’re long lost twins.
Soooooo true
beeest hello giggles post EEEVEEER!
I feel this way about Hugh Jackman. He is the epitome of “GOOD GOD MAN!!!!”
where’s the “this is so unbelivably awesome my heads gonna explode” button? cuz this is so unbelivably awesome my heads gonna explode! great post!
***unbelievably….
this is like tumblr in a much more coherent form.
I laughed. I shared it with my boyfriend who laughed. Yes.
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…………………………………. i’m just. yeah. I died. Thanks.
I’m laughing so hard, I’m tearing up. The ovaries exploding line made me burst out laughing!! Every line of this is so true. He is the best thing ever, and he really needs to stop.
and he goes well with wine: http://grapefriend.com/2011/08/08/ryan-gosling-hes-just-like-wine/
I’m wearing a cardigan right now. A beautiful teared-stained cardigan that Ryan Gosling will never see. I feel like I wrote this, even though I didn’t actually write it because it’s pretty much verbatim every thought I’ve had about him ever.
“I have to be able to face the world with the knowledge that The Notebook is just a really good movie and not an outline for how all my relationships should be.” F-ing classic. Love this.
this is the absolute BEST EVER iloveyousomuchryangoslingyoureperfect letter i have ever read. you be emma stone. maybe ill pretend to be rachel mcadams? sigh.
Amazing!! Gosling is really unbelivable.
I just can’t help but get the giggles when I see a picture of him. Whoever said no one is perfect has clearly not been introduced to Mr. Gosling.
I share your concerns! And he also salsa dances!! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT??
This is actually the best thing I’ve ever read and the most accurate to my true feelings. Thank you for saying what we’re all thinking!!
*ryan gosling daydream sigh*
even his dog is too cute. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ryan-Goslings-dog/239522909411220
laughed the entire time i read this…
Meghan,
You nailed it.
Often when I see Ryan in interviews or movies or listen to Dead Mans Bones I am overcome with this emotion that I have yet to put into words. After reading this and pausing for a moment to take it all in, I realized that this was it! Then, I took a moment and weepeded quietly at my desk at work, because the thought of never being able to have a Ryan Gosling of my own left me crippled with sadness.
Knowing there are others suffering this way pains me. I think we should form a group called “Occupy Ryan Goslings Yard” and camp out until our demands are met. Our demands : Be less awesome. This means, footage of him spitting in a puppies face or something, ANYTHING!
Thank you for speaking out for all of us who are fed up and TIRED of Ryan ruining our lives! Anyone else we date or marry will pale in comparison to the awesomness that is Ryan Gosling!
<3 Ingrid
I am down with Occupy Ryan Gosling’s Yard.
This is the most amazing blog entry I read in a while. Don’t worry ure not alone. Ryan Gosling was the only good reason to watch blue valentine. <3
LOVE IT!
Totally encompasses how I feel about JIM PARSONS from BIG BANG THEORY.
This is probably the FUNNIEST but TRUE-EST BLOG EVER!!!
Oh, and get this, I just read somewhere that he said that what he really wants it to make BABIES, not movies, but he hasn’t found anyone to make BABIES with yet, so he’ll keep making movies til he finds that person. When he does, he’s pretty sure that he will ONLY be able to be a dad, and will then stop making movies. SERIOUSLY? Seriously.
yup.
http://hellogiggles.com/dear-ryan-gosling
http://www.facebook.com/ryan.gosling.ruined.my.life#
This made my day! Thank you for writing this fabulous post
you forgot he is an amazing musician as well ( Dead mans bones)
ahhh
Et tu, Ryan Gosling? *die*
LOVE THIS! Thank you for “understanding” and giving me a great laugh at work!
i met ryan a few years back and he really is one hell of a guy.
http://theboobsmilk.tumblr.com/post/11068077770/the-time-i-made-a-fool-out-of-myself-in-front-of-ryan
You see this is why I like to call him my dream husband
girl, you´re the SHIT (in a goooooood way:))!
you speak all of those girls out of their souls (don´t forget mine:))
THANKS!
You just got ripped off in an EW post by Erin Strecker: http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/10/26/ryan-gosling-ballet-crush/
http://fitperez.com/2011-10-26-ryan-gosling-does-ballet/?from=PH
We should be best friends. And befriend (read: stalk) Ryan when he comes home to New York.
Amen, sister, amen.
You forgot about the fact he is an amazingly talented musician who is in a kickass band.
BEST. THING. EVER.
Last Cinco de Mayo, I was walking through the LES and saw this boy standing on the corner strumming this small ukelele like instrument was like, “Dang that dude is fly” and then my friend (who, forgive him, was extremely drunk) was like “Ryan Reynolds!! Ryan Reynolds!! Oh my god, you’re so cute!” I’ve never hit a human so hard in my life. I was so embarrassed. But Ryan was ACTUALLY KIND about it and said, “No worries bro” and posed for a photo with my friend (who has a fat lip in it… from me… punching him). THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
Hell I’m a straight male and I feel this way about Ryan Gosling..
LOL! This is hilarious, you’re cracking me up. I feel your pain, sister. He’s just too much.
Hi from France
I could’nt less agree. As a gay man, I can feel this pain too girls. But I rejoyce Ryan live in this world because he’s a beautiful human being, a gifted actor, an accute mind, a handsome man, he appeals to my spirituality and fancying. I would be delighted and proud to know him.
O.M.G. I just read a comment up there ^ somewhere that said she got to stand NEXT to Him… oh the jealousy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Rmv3t2e7o
love this post, so funny, so true. but really, i think Ryan gives us a chance that there are such great guys on the planet like him….we just have to find them or clone Ryan Gosling like million times, is that sounds
cool?
You forgot to add that he also needs to stop writing ad singing beautiful songs with Dead Mans Bones! That’s just too much Ryan!
This is so amazing! Had me laughing from beginning to end because it’s EXACTLY what goes through my mind! Really great work! By the way, me and my sister created a new fun blog about him (because we are that obssessed!) so if anyone wants to check it out please visit http://gazingwithgosling.tumblr.com/ giggles guaranteed|!
So true, I am down this road since The Notebook, my favourite film of all times, and not only because of the plot.
After watching me druel while reading this post, my husband says this has to stop, it’s not fair for other men.
FYI, he sings too. And his songs have the magic power of automatically making your pants fall off.
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I LOVE this post! I too, am a HUGE Ryan Gosling fan. I was LUCKY enough to actually run into him at a casino in Detroit back in March. He was filming a movie in MI at the time beinhg directed by George Clooney. I had just enough wine (liquid courage) to go up to him. He was SO kind, considerate, down to earth and PERFECT. He actually kissed me on the cheek as my husband watched from a far. LOL! I swore I’d never wash my cheek again. The next day, I watched the Notebook 5 times…..which makes a total of at least 105. I LOVE RYAN GOSLING!
I love Ryan, I love this tribute to Ryan, and by proxy… I love you.
Oh how I love thee!
hahahaah
the guy is making males everywhere look bad hahahaa
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6) Stop dressing so well…but then, who’s style would I emulate.
you stole my mind and wrote all of my thoughts exactly!!
You’re preaching to the choir, sister.
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!!!!
you should be writing because you have what it takes…who knows he could star in a screen play written by you know who…