Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband:

First of all, I’m sorry about a lot of things you have to deal with, the least of which include my singing and sticking anything I can find into my ears. I hope there are a few things that balance it all out. I’ve made you lemon meringue pie already, right? I must have, or else you would have never met me at the end of that aisle. Most importantly though, I’d like to promise something. I promise you I will never ask if you “want to help me do the dishes”. Of course you don’t. No one wants to.

Well some people do, but they and I are not compatible.

Because if I ask if you “want” to help, it puts you in a very uncomfortable position. If you say no, I will probably get angry and ask why you have to be a jerk when you could just shut up and dry (drying is my least favorite part). Not that I’d always be angry with you when you’re a jerk, it’s just if I’m asking for help with the dishes I’m probably already having a bad day.

And if you say yes, it’s equally as bad. Because then you feel annoyed that, well, no, you don’t want to, but you’re doing them anyway. That’s a much bigger sacrifice and you’d like me to know that you’re making it but probably don’t want to be a jerk about it – until later when you get mad at me about something else.

And there will certainly be something elses.

But I recognize the sacrifice. And I appreciate it, future husband. And I appreciate you not divorcing me the first time you see me talk to my food.

Discordantly yours,

Shelby

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