From Our Readers

Dear Future Boyfriend

Naturally, before reaching this point you have passed preliminary evaluation with flying colors. Therefore you are respectful, witty and let’s face it, attractive. So here we are, in a full on committed relationship, Facebook status’ updated to let everyone know we are no longer on the market.

I want you to think of this letter as a sort of, expectations cheat sheet. Featuring a hybrid of my quirks and your boyfriend obligations. So as not to overwhelm you, I’ll keep it short and sweet – like me!

Firstly I would like to address my habit of obsessing over things. It might be a book or a TV show, but it is sufficient to say that at any given time my mind is consumed by the lives and goings-on of fictional characters. I will talk about them endlessly, and look for excuses to bring them up in every day conversations. All I ask is that you listen to my ramblings and nod at appropriate intervals giving me the illusion that you are at least moderately interested in what I am saying. Listen, I know that you have heard me lament about Mindy and Danny’s relationship on The Mindy Project more times than you can count. And I have read and re-read you my favorite parts of The Fault In Our Stars to the point you can regurgitate them in your sleep. Just allow me and bear with me, these moments of fangirling. If it is any consolation in a few months I will be on to my next obsession, and you won’t have to hear about my current one again! Well, not until the movie version of the book comes out, and season two of the show premiers.

I’m not going to expect you to sing along with me when a love song duet plays on the radio, and don’t worry I am not one to give you a pet name let alone call you by it in public. As far as nauseating couple behavior goes, my only requirement falls on the weekend surrounding October 31st. That’s right dear boyfriend, Halloween. Answer me this, what exactly is the point of being in a relationship on Halloween if you do not get to fully immerse yourself into the festivities by having a couples costume? Besides, look at all the options available to us. From superheroes to cartoon characters, to historical figures, and even inanimate objects. Surely two intelligent people such as ourselves can agree on a costume that tells everyone around us without them asking that we are an item. That we go together like Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, Batman and Catwoman, eggs and bacon – you get the idea.

Finally, the only time that it is acceptable for you to lie to me, is when it comes to my hair. If I have done something disastrous to my tresses, be it cut or color, trust me I am well aware of the fact. My self esteem will be at a low, and I will be feeling hideous and vulnerable. I have most likely already sent photographic evidence of my mistake to my sisters and friends, who have all confirmed, that yes, it really is, that bad. So when you see me, and I ask for your opinion, just lie. Don’t over compensate by showering me with compliments, I am not a moron, I know it’s awful. A simple “I think it’s cute!” will suffice. Even though I know you are lying through your teeth, the gesture will be appreciated.

Now those are not so bad are they? On a scale of one (do I even have a girlfriend?) to ten (my girlfriend is insane!) I believe these fall at around a four (my girlfriend has realistic and achievable expectations). If you think about it, you are actually lucky, how many other guys do you know get a reference guide into their relationship! This is why dating me, was a good idea.

Your girlfriend,


PS: We’re getting a puppy.

You can follow Samantha on Twitter.

  • Catu Piñero Castellanos

    I love this!

  • Samantha Land

    This accurately describes my life. No judgement! 😀

  • Sandra Henningsson

    Haha, this is hilarious. So good!

  • Erin Oxnam

    Haha cute.

  • Gina Gomez

    PS: We’re getting a puppy.
    ,,,,,, hahahaha :) love it.

  • Cinta Jebsworth

    hahaha love this! I am all about the costumes I totally understand where your coming from, I don’t understand why people don’t want to dress up

  • Rachel Smith

    Love this !!! Couldn’t agree more about the tv show thing. Totes going crazy about Danny and Mindy will they wont they <3 Also, Halloween is very important to me and I love to have fun w/ it especially when you can dress up as a couple.

  • Ethan L Greek
  • Amanda Gibbons

    Perf. Wishing you happiess in future relationships and now, Sam!

  • Pazit Frenkel

    made a letter like this two weeks ago.
    you read my mind.
    i’m so glad i’m not the only one writing a letter to a future guy, stating the things that I think he should know upfront such as WHAT I want in a relationship instead of WHO.
    in fact, it’s the best preparation to my opinon for all the single ladies(and guys) out there – knowing the dos and donts and writing some sort of a list..
    single life may be really tough (I fangirl TV shows and books myself all the time..the hardest one is the fabulous JGL) and you might give up and decide that your letters are delusional but hold that forever alone realization of yours and have a little faith! you’ll never know who you’re gonna meet and how great your relationship with the next guy is going to be. BTW: if there’s one thing I definitely despise about coupledom is cheesy nicknames…thanks for that reference!! :)

  • Katie Gall

    This honestly made my morning and said everything I try to say to my boyfriend but seem to muddle up in the process. thanks for the much needed smiles on a rainy day in DC! :)

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