Broadcast Safe Dating Advice (If You, Somehow, Find Yourself Living In A Sitcom) Tom Penchant

One day you may wake up and find yourself living in TV Land. Hey, it could happen! Just ask Reese Witherspoon and Tobey Maguire. Once you overcome the initial shock of coexisting in the cathode ray fantasy-world, you may want to get back in the dating game. Even TV Land is lonely! But don’t fret! We come from a generation raised on television. You’ve been preparing for this your whole blurry-eyed laugh-tracked life. Here is your refresher course:

  1. If the person you so desire already has a significant other, you may feel free to completely destroy this relationship and disregard any of said significant others feelings or rights as a human being. Go get ‘em, tiger!
  2. Nervous about that first date? Bring your friends! Friends can aid in on-the-spot strategy discussions, general re-con, and ‘fun facts’. But you don’t want your date knowing you’re not the only one calling the shots! Stealthiness is key. Pro-tip: buy one of those mini-dish sound amplifiers, you nerd.
  3. Assume an entirely new and opposite personality. Are you perpetually the doormat? Are you the nice guy who always finishes last? Buy a leather jacket, doofus! Are you the bookish and shy librarian? ~*^~MAKEOVER***TIME~^*~
  4. If you’re set up on a double date, you should IMMEDIATELY make a play at your friend’s date. You know how this is going to go down anyway. You’re going to spend all night HATING your date and magically at the end realize you were just mismatched. So fast forward to those wedding bells, you baby, and go for the gold! My personal favorite is a well placed foot to the crotch under the table before you finish your drink order.
  5. Just be yourself!

Good luck, TV character! Just remember, if you ever ‘Last-Action-Hero-yourself’ back into the real world, disregard all of this advice.

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  1. Hilarious. Just… change EVERYTHING about yourself, then be yourself. So true- and the picture from That 70′s Show is very fitting.
    However, I have to say- in college, some of my friends went on a double date. They actually DID switch dates mid through. One of the ‘new’ couples is now married. 100% true.
    I do have a question for HG- do you have a list of dating advice (serious, not parody :D) on here? I’m curious – I just read a pretty good book called “Win His Heart” by AK Ivanova (http://www.winhisheartbook.com), and I’m looking for other books and articles on the subject. Thanks :)

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