I’ve never been able to understand the connection between hot cars and hot boys.
Meaning, I’ve never understood why some men think owning some fancy European sounding sports car that goes vroom when it races and is painted an alarming shade of yellow is supposed to make them attractive. I see absolutely no connotation between how hot a car is and how hot the man driving it is. Even in Drive, I think I was more impressed with Ryan Gosling’s scorpion jacket than with his choice of automobile.
So, whenever I’ve been asked by people, “What car would you date a boy for?”, I would have to honestly sneer and roll my eyes and say in complete sincerity, “I would only date a guy for his vehicle if that vehicle was the TARDIS.”
Because, yes, I would date The Doctor.
If you’re puzzled as to what a TARDIS is and why I’m swooning for a medical professional in a tweed suit and what any of this has to do with cars, get thee to Netflix immediately and watch Doctor Who.
If you’re too lazy to do that, Doctor Who is this amazing science-fiction, fantasy, time-travel show that has aired in the UK on and off since 1963. Yeah, that’s right. Next year is the show’s 50th Anniversary. And it’s still as sexy as ever.
It’s the story of The Doctor, a Time Lord (yeah…it’s what it sounds like…he’s an alien whose race lords over time), who is traveling throughout time and space with a rotating cast of companions (yeah…it’s what it sounds like…there’s constantly a new plucky gal or guy hanging out and helping him out) in his TARDIS (which doesn’t sound like anything because it’s technically an anagram for “Time And Relative Dimension In Space”).
I’m sure if you’re “New to Who”, as they say, you still have a ton of questions. You can learn more by watching the pilot of the new Who series, “Rose”, which is on Netflix Instant Streaming or by finding the original 1963 pilot, “An Unearthly Child”, which is on YouTube. Like I said, get thee to Netflix!
But all this backstory is getting in the way of what’s actually important: I have a major crush on The Doctor.
He’s smart, he’s fun, he’s dangerous, he’s witty, he’s adventurous, he’s curious and most importantly, he drives a TARDIS.
The TARDIS is the sexist vehicle that has ever existed. I mean, yes, horse-drawn carriages are romantic, but they smell of horse butts. True, a bicycle is lovely, but one’s delicate bits are oh-so-very-sore after just sitting on it. I will completely admit that sky buckets are the cat’s meow, but they only can carry you from one side of an amusement park to another.
The TARDIS might look like a quaint old blue police box, but it’s an infinitely large ship on the inside, and did I mention that it can take you anywhere you want to go in all of time and space?
That’s what I’ve never understood about fancy sports cars. They’re still getting you to the same places that an affordable car will. Unless you’re a race car driver or in the middle of some street race or one of the snarly dudes on Top Gear, it really doesn’t matter how tricked out your engine is. You’re all driving on the same roads. The TARDIS, though? The TARDIS can take you anywhere in the universe and throughout history that you can imagine.
The TARDIS is so sexy, there’s a joke in Neil Gaiman’s episode that the TARDIS’s name is, well, “Sexy.”
We’re getting off-topic yet again. This isn’t about me having a crush on the TARDIS. This is about me having a crush on The Doctor.
But which Doctor? Eleven different actors have played The Doctor. I adore the current Doctor, Matt Smith’s hipster charm. I smile every time I think of the Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker, and his infinitely long hobo scarf comes to mind. I once planned an imaginary wedding to the Tenth Doctor, David Tennant. He’s so cheeky and looks so fantastic in a trench coat.
To be perfectly honest, I really like all of the incarnations of the Doctor. I like the fact that he’s eleven men in one. Sure, the “regeneration” trick was invented because William Hartnell wanted to leave the show, but it’s a really great metaphor for how through our lives–if we let ourselves–we can evolve and change into new people. I think change is sexy because it means that we are open to new things.
And of course, he’s also sexy because he’s the only man in reality or fiction who drives a TARDIS and the TARDIS is without a shadow of a doubt the most crush-worthy vehicle in all of time and space.
Okay, okay…I essentially just want to date the TARDIS.