So, I was going to write about Bradley Cooper this week. I saw The Silver Linings Playbook last week and I haven’t been so enamored with Mr. Cooper and his acting (and his face) since season one of Alias when Will Tippin (who was Bradley Cooper’s character on that show) discovers that his best friend Sydney Bristowe (as played marvelously by Jennifer Garner) is actually a spy and he makes the best shocked face in the history of all mankind.
But I didn’t write this week’s piece on Bradley Cooper, did I?
No. I didn’t write or even research my piece on Bradley Cooper because I fell asleep.
I am pretty obsessed with sleep. On Wednesday morning, I sent an email to a friend saying that I was really looking forward to Friday night because all I was going to do was sleep. I have taken to changing into pajamas the moment I get home from work so I can feel as physically close to sleep as I can be while still being awake. Oh, and the only thing that I really want for Christmas is a “pregnancy pillow“.
Before you start thinking I want to be pregnant, I don’t. I want a type of pillow that was designed for pregnant women. What does this have to do with my relationship with sleep? Everything. A pregnancy pillow could only bring me and sleep closer together because a pregnancy pillow is A PILLOW THAT SURROUNDS YOUR ENTIRE BODY.
I desperately want one, and I’m totally entitled by right to buy one “sans fetus in utero”, but my roommate pointed out to me that the next time I do bring a gentleman caller home, I might have some explaining to do. My immediate response was that I wouldn’t want to date a guy who couldn’t comprehend the joy of A PILLOW THAT SURROUNDS YOUR ENTIRE BODY, and I stand by that.
However, I still have no idea how I would find a high thread count pillow case for said pillow. Once you start sleeping in high thread count sheets*, you can’t go back to low thread count sheets. Okay, that’s not true. I totally can sleep in lower thread count sheets. But the question remains, how would I ever find a pillow case for such a pillow?
I don’t know. I just know that I can’t stop daydreaming about owning one because of my current sleep obsession.
Also, there’s this ad in the New York City subways right now that says “You’ll sleep when you’re dead.” It’s supposed to be an ad campaign for shoes. The ads are trying to convince New Yorkers to ignore the fact that it’s pitch black outside at 4:30 pm and colder than a snowman’s heart. We are New Yorkers! We should be out partying all night! We should be out partying in fancy shoes that we can buy in the heart of midtown! The thing is, when you say “You’ll sleep when you’re dead”, I’m not sure that I instantly think “Oh, wow, that makes expensive shoes sound awesome!”. When you say, “You’ll sleep when you’re dead”, I instantly think, “Whoa, so death is just an eternity of sleeping? I want to buy death!” And then I remember that death is death and sleep is sleep and they are two very different things and I only like one of them. Hint: I don’t like death.
I like sleep so much that I’m now having trouble enjoying Once Upon a Time because the current storyline vilifies sleep. If you’re not up to date on the show, I don’t want to spoil it, but basically, sleep is evil and scary. Sleep isn’t evil and scary! Sleep is wonderful. Nightmares are, I grant you, evil and scary, but nightmares are types of dreams. Sleep is the all-encompassing world of rest and dreams and nightmares are the countries in it. I mean, I’m also mad that Once Upon a Time isn’t just 45 minutes of Captain Hook staring into the camera and smirking, but the point is, I don’t buy sleep as a villain. Sleep is my hero.
Sleep is the best. Sleep makes us fresh and whole and healthy again.
In conclusion, I’ve always sort of scoffed at my cat for sleeping during the day–and night–but maybe my cat makes better life choices than I do. Actually, that’s not a maybe. My cat is smartly under the covers in my bed right now and I’m awake, exhausted and trying to find a smarter way to finish this piece. My cat obviously wins.
*If you’re now distracted by the revelation that I own high thread count sheets, just know that you can get them very cheaply on the internet. Don’t let people tell you that 1000+ thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are unobtainable. I am poor and I own two sets. Luxury can be yours! Shoot for the stars!