Technically speaking, Jeremy Renner’s butt isn’t a Crush of the Week. Jeremy Renner’s butt is a Crush for Life.
But we’ll get to that later.
I believe that the butt is the friendliest part of the body. Sure, smiles are usually considered the friendliest parts of a person, but in some cultures baring your teeth can be seen as a threat. Butts are soft cushions built onto our bodies to make it more comfortable to sit anywhere. They are like pillows you carry with you through life. Pillows are snuggly and therefore I find butts to be as equally comforting and delightful as any Pillow Pal.
But not all butts are created equal.
The greatest butt in the history of the world can be found in Florence, Italy. It was sculpted by Michelangelo and is attached to a statue of David. The rest of the statue is okay. Art critics like to call the entire sculpture a masterpiece, but they’re being kind. It’s really all about the backside of the statue. That’s where the true genius of Michelangelo displays itself. David’s butt is one of the greatest works of art ever produced by humanity. I know this because when I returned from visiting Florence, Italy when I was 13, I went to my local Eckard’s drug store to develop my photographs and it turned out over half the roll was of David’s butt. I was so transfixed by its pure beauty that I couldn’t focus on anything else. At least, that’s what I told my mom.
In the entirety of the world there is only one butt that I’ve seen that comes close to the beauty of David’s butt–and that’s Jeremy Renner’s butt.
I feel like perhaps I’m being unfair to Jeremy Renner. I mean, he as a person is worthy of being a Crush of the Week. He’s a great actor, he’s an Avenger, he has beautiful arms, he used to be a make-up artist, he made millions flipping houses and he gets into axe fights at parties. That’s a hot man.
However, much like in the case of Michelangelo’s David, Jeremy Renner’s butt is so superlative in its perfection and rounded beauty, that it eclipses everything else about him. Which is a shame, because getting into axe fights is really hot.
The thing is, I’m not alone. Jeremy Renner’s butt is a global issue. It has impacted contemporary culture. A friend of mine includes tribute to Jeremy Renner’s cute butt in all of her reviews of his movies. There are multiple Facebook and tumblr accounts devoted to Jeremy Renner’s butt. I even joined Pinterest just to create a board of photos of his butt (and some cool daggers and mason jars–you know, just girly stuff). Jeremy Renner’s butt even plays a key role in the film Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol. At a climactic moment in the film, Jeremy Renner’s butt has to flex in front of the camera. It’s true.
Usually when I write one of these articles, I try to include as many photos of possible of the Crush of the Week. When it comes to Jeremy Renner’s butt, I can’t. I can only include a spare few. The beauty would otherwise overwhelm me.
Even if you dispute the beauty of Jeremy Renner’s butt, you have to admit that there’s something really sassy about it. When I look at photos of Jeremy Renner’s butt, it’s as though it knows that we are staring at it. I think Jeremy Renner’s butt is a tease. I think Jeremy Renner’s butt positions itself in provocative poses just to taunt people. I think Jeremy Renner’s butt is rude, but that sassiness only makes Jeremy Renner’s butt all the more attractive.
I’ve felt this way about Jeremy Renner’s butt for a while, and I think as long as he continues to make films like The Avengers or the Bourne Legacy–you know, films that require his butt to be in great shape so he can kick other people’s butts–I’m going to continue to feel this level of ardor.
Like I said, my crush on Jeremy Renner’s butt is turning into a lifetime thing. I only hope it stays sassy.