If you haven’t already heard, there has been an incredible breakthrough in the scientific community. Researchers felt it was necessary to conduct a study that I can only assume was titled- “How can we make girls and women feel even worse about themselves?”- and proceeded to collect data that would, in time, provide them with the formula for the “perfect” woman. How did they determine their final results, you ask? Uh, with science.
Men’s Health (the National Geographic of men’s magazines, evidently) recently published an article unveiling the results, which can be studied in-depth here. I’ll allow you all a moment to let those newfound complexes sink in before I blow your minds once more.
All right, are you ready? Are you wearing red lipstick? Good.
Even MORE recently, researchers (…I) embarked on a similar study, this time focusing on the formula for the “perfect” man. A great deal of time and effort was put into this study (I looked at photos of Christian Bale topless for nearly a full thirty minutes straight), but I am pleased to finally reveal the eagerly-anticipated formula for the “perfect” man. Without any further ado, here he is:
#1. Buy this hat. This one is pretty self-explanatory. When you wear a hat like this, you’re not just wearing a hat; you’re donning an air of mystery. You just went from “tall, dark and handsome” to “tall, dark and mysterious”. Unless you’re not tall to begin with; in which case you should probably stop reading and go date a chick with small boobs or short legs because according to a recent scientific breakthrough, she is going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel anyway.
#2. Make ALL the money. According to some revolutionary new data, if your girlfriend is “too successful” your testicles will wither and fall off. DON’T WORRY. Brunettes are smart, they read that report, and as a result Angelina Jolie (who is brunette, has a great rack, narrow hips, and long legs) has dropped all of her recent endeavours and decided to live a life of leisure, leaving Brad Pitt to be the sole provider for their six (nine?) children.
#3. Have the face/mind/hair of Viggo Mortensen. We’re really not asking for much here. All you need is luscious locks and a jawline sharper than the edge of Andúril. Not only is the visage of Viggo the virtual epitome of the word “perfection”, but he also happens to be a skilled poet, photographer, and horseman. While we laugh at your unamusing jokes, you can write poetry on our bodies or take some artful photographs of our horses or our dainty little feet.
#4. Have the arms of the guy that played Thor. Unlike women born with small breasts, corrective surgery is thankfully not required for men born with wiry arms. All that is required is an extra ninety-minutes a day, five days a week, to swing around some kettlebells. Oh, and we’d also really appreciate it if every time you lifted something, whether it be a TV or a kitten, you grunt the way Chris Hemsworth does when he’s hurling Mjollnir at an unsuspecting foe. Just…do it.
#5. Have the upper body of Christian Bale in American Psycho and/or Batman Begins. If you’re already going to be in the gym for an hour and a half doing deadlifts and stuff, why not throw in a thousand sit-ups while you’re at it? You think sit-ups are hard? You know what’s harder? Christian Bale’s abdomen.
#6. Have a horse/buy us a horse. Yeah, women love horses. Dogs and cats are great, but a horse? Come on. Come. On. You know who has a horse? Viggo Mortensen.
#7. Have the calves of King Henry VIII. I have an “adequate educational background”, and therefore am aware that in the age of the Defender of the Faith, calves were like, the bee’s knees. Men walked around in those silly stockings to show off their impressive gams. The Tudor Court was like The Victoria’s Secret catwalk, except featuring a bunch of elaborately dressed men in the place of scantily-clad Brazilian supermodels.
By the way, is that a giant codpiece or are you just happy to- what? Oh. It’s a giant codpiece.