I was accompanied by one Sophia Rossi, founder of Hello Giggles and perfect hipster bangs, in my last uStream. She and I noticed a concerning pattern throughout the questions that were coming through the chat. Apparently there are thousands of girls out there who are stuck in “the friend zone” with a guy they are in love with and don’t know how to get out. They are in too deep. They love him and get to spend all their time together, but never get the girlfriend card. They’re desperate for guidance on how to let him see her as the romantic interest instead of the quirky sidekick. And in the movie version, she stands by him while he leads beautiful and mean girls through a revolving door and then one day, he realizes that his best friend who has always been there for him is beautiful in her own way and his perfect match. So in real life, there are all of these girls, just sitting around waiting for him to realize she’s the one. And sometimes it might work. But usually you have to do a little more on your own behalf to get it going.
First off, we idolize this seemingly unattainable guy. We put him up on a pedestal and think that every little crumb he drops down to us is made of gold. Every time he is cranky, we will make him laugh. Every time he needs to talk, we will drop everything to listen. Every time he is down on himself, we will build him back up. But it never occurs to us that we may need to save something for ourselves. We are not the priority. If we just show him one more time how devoted we are, if we run his errands faster, if we answer the phone quicker, if we say yes more often, if we give him more time… if we laugh at more of his bad jokes, if we if we if we…
And once again, we are looking at the problem from completely the wrong angle. The girl who bends over backwards to please someone and expects nothing in return other than to be graced with his presence? She doesn’t get the guy. That doesn’t send the message you want to send. Ya know what does? CONFIDENCE! You know what confident people get? Everything. I mean, sure, I guess there some things you can get while acting insecure, like food and air to breath, but other than that, you basically get the shaft all the time. “No problem, you can have the last piece… I’ll just wait on hold for nine minutes while you forget you were on the other line with me… Yeah, I’m cool with you seeing other people… No no, of course I won’t see other people…” We have this fear of “pressuring” a guy. God forbid you ask to know where the relationship stands, God forbid you make him commit to you. Let me tell you something, there are PLENTY of guys out there who would love to commit to you. And they are what we call men. Grown ass men who know what they want. Boys are too afraid of limiting their options. They haven’t figured out yet that one quality woman is worth so much more than ten mediocre ones. Don’t be the mediocre one.
Look, there is a lot about ourselves that we can’t control. We can’t make ourselves look like a Victoria’s Secret model, we can’t always have access to the most coveted fashion, we can’t make ourselves taller or maybe thinner or maybe put the curves we have in different places, we can’t make ourselves magically richer or cooler or smarter. The one thing we can control is how we present ourselves and as much as everything leads you to believe these things I just listed are what will make up your confidence, they actually are mutually exclusive. Confidence is literally a choice. That’s it. You fake it till you make it. The Emporer’s New Clothes is legit, people! They believe what you tell them to believe. And if you believe you deserve the best, then the best will be offered to you. No one is going to show up and say, “Ya know what? Even though you don’t think so and you’re not asking for it and I’ve got a pretty great set up the way things are going, I think I’m going to start respecting you more.” You would never say that to someone. In fact, I bet there is someone in your life who would do anything for you and you take them for granted. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. You decide your worth. No one else.
So, while you’re busy writing to me about loving someone who doesn’t notice you, start focusing on being everything you wish you were. It will be like a magnet. Oh, he’ll notice you alright.
CONFIDENCE CAMPAIGN 2012
Check out the Single Girls Guide live stream every Wednesday at 6pmPST/9pmEST. Erin (@efosta) will answer all of your questions about crushes, love and dating LIVE from the HelloGiggles UStream chat room. Make sure to log on every Wednesday and catch up on any episodes you may have missed.