Single Girls Guide Confidence Campaign Erin Foster

I was accompanied by one Sophia Rossi, founder of Hello Giggles and perfect hipster bangs, in my last uStream. She and I noticed a concerning pattern throughout the questions that were coming through the chat. Apparently there are thousands of girls out there who are stuck in “the friend zone” with a guy they are in love with and don’t know how to get out. They are in too deep. They love him and get to spend all their time together, but never get the girlfriend card. They’re desperate for guidance on how to let him see her as the romantic interest instead of the quirky sidekick. And in the movie version, she stands by him while he leads beautiful and mean girls through a revolving door and then one day, he realizes that his best friend who has always been there for him is beautiful in her own way and his perfect match. So in real life, there are all of these girls, just sitting around waiting for him to realize she’s the one. And sometimes it might work. But usually you have to do a little more on your own behalf to get it going.

First off, we idolize this seemingly unattainable guy. We put him up on a pedestal and think that every little crumb he drops down to us is made of gold. Every time he is cranky, we will make him laugh. Every time he needs to talk, we will drop everything to listen. Every time he is down on himself, we will build him back up. But it never occurs to us that we may need to save something for ourselves. We are not the priority. If we just show him one more time how devoted we are, if we run his errands faster, if we answer the phone quicker, if we say yes more often, if we  give him more time… if we laugh at more of his bad jokes, if we if we if we…

And once again, we are looking at the problem from completely the wrong angle. The girl who bends over backwards to please someone and expects nothing in return other than to be graced with his presence? She doesn’t get the guy. That doesn’t send the message you want to send.  Ya know what does? CONFIDENCE! You know what confident people get? Everything. I mean, sure, I guess there some things you can get while acting insecure, like food and air to breath, but other than that, you basically get the shaft all the time. “No problem, you can have the last piece… I’ll just wait on hold for nine minutes while you forget you were on the other line with me… Yeah, I’m cool with you seeing other people… No no, of course I won’t see other people…” We have this fear of “pressuring” a guy. God forbid you ask to know where the relationship stands, God forbid you make him commit to you. Let me tell you something, there are PLENTY of guys out there who would love to commit to you. And they are what we call men. Grown ass men who know what they want. Boys are too afraid of limiting their options. They haven’t figured out yet that one quality woman is worth so much more than ten mediocre ones. Don’t be the mediocre one.

Look, there is a lot about ourselves that we can’t control. We can’t make ourselves look like a Victoria’s Secret model, we can’t always have access to the most coveted fashion, we can’t make ourselves taller or maybe thinner or maybe put the curves we have in different places, we can’t make ourselves magically richer or cooler or smarter. The one thing we can control is how we present ourselves and as much as everything leads you to believe these things I just listed are what will make up your confidence, they actually are mutually exclusive. Confidence is literally a choice. That’s it. You fake it till you make it. The Emporer’s New Clothes is legit, people! They believe what you tell them to believe. And if you believe you deserve the best, then the best will be offered to you. No one is going to show up and say, “Ya know what? Even though you don’t think so and you’re not asking for it and I’ve got a pretty great set up the way things are going, I think I’m going to start respecting you more.” You would never say that to someone. In fact, I bet there is someone in your life who would do anything for you and you take them for granted. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. You decide your worth. No one else.

So, while you’re busy writing to me about loving someone who doesn’t notice you, start focusing on being everything you wish you were. It will be like a magnet. Oh, he’ll notice you alright.

CONFIDENCE CAMPAIGN 2012

Check out the Single Girls Guide live stream every Wednesday at 6pmPST/9pmEST. Erin (@efosta) will answer all of your questions about crushes, love and dating LIVE from the HelloGiggles UStream chat room. Make sure to log on every Wednesday and catch up on any episodes you may have missed.

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  1. thank you thank you. because i have a friend that I am crazy about but i am also terrified to actually say anything because then if he doesnt feel the same way i dont want it to shift our friendship or change anything but I know if I don’t say anything then I don’t get what I want. So I was like oh i’ll just sit here and wait till he makes a move. But i asked him to go ice skating and he agreed with excitement. So we’ll see. Maybe when we go I’ll have the guts to make a move. I know I am worth it, and he totally sees like I feel like. Im just scared haha. But you are right, we don’t live in a movie as much as we wish and we need to speak up and take care of ourselves!

  2. I guess I am stuck in the friend zone too… and I know it… but i am so scared of being alone that I just dont think I can change it… I love him but at the same time I hate him for friend-zoning me…
    why are men such jerks?
    why am I such a jerk? *sigh*

  3. This has totally been happening to me all semester! I’m a college freshman, and I had a fling with this guy who has turned out to be my best and closest guy friend on campus. I realized that the whole bending over backwards for him (as you say in the article, I was the awesome friend saying things like “No problem, you can have the last piece… I’ll just wait on hold for nine minutes while you forget you were on the other line with me… Yeah, I’m cool with you seeing other people… No no, of course I won’t see other people…”) was really only allowing him to take advantage of me unintentionally and hurting me multiple times. Thank you so much for sharing; I know how to better approach this for next semester. :)

  4. Thank you very much for this article! Such an awesome and inspiring read!

  5. Love love love love love.

  6. Book Recommendation! I’m reading this YA book called “Loose Girl” and it’s a memoir of the author and her struggle to overcome the fear of being alone and the feelings of desperation that come from wanting to be loved or wanting to be the focus of someone’s attention. I think, wether sex is a part of your life or not, the author’s weeding through the harmful, yet common thought processes that held her back from loving herself makes it a great read for anyone who struggles with their own confidence and relies heavily on the perceptions of other people. This post just made me think of that :)

  7. I really needed to read this right now. Thanks for such an inspiring post Erin!

  8. I’ve always been friend-zoned and now I think I see that I’ve put myself there, by assuming that he doesn’t like me because of x, y, and z reasons. So next dude, I’ll just act like he’s already in love with me. It should work……right?

  9. Loved this article Erin! Thanks! I’m starting to think two years is a little too long to wait for someone no matter how much I think I love him.

  10. I was watching the uStream the other night and I am so on board with this! I did the “friend zone” thing for a long time and got my heart broken. Luckily, I had the courage to call it off and tell him I didn’t want to even be friends anymore. And guess what? He got engaged about 3 months later. SO much better off now, even though I’m still single! But of course, still waiting to meet the right one…

  11. You have got to tell me how you do it, Erin. How on Earth do you have that crazy perfect timing? I’m not in the situation mentioned, trying to get a guy to notice me (although I have been in the past) but the same principles apply on any situation,in the end. Nobody is going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I keep making the same mistake, trying to please everyone when noone will do that for me. I’m alwaya the loser. And I really needed to hear this from someone else,too, today. Thanks, Erin! Rock on and happy holidays! xxx

    • well then i am so glad i wrote it when i did. timing is everything. you got this Amalia :-)

      Erin Foster | 12/21/2011 11:12 am
  12. I love The Holiday! And I know just how you feel Amy. Very funny article btw. Glad i found this website.

  13. I agree 100% on ‘fake it til you make it’ That worked for me at work..but I never thought to apply it to relationships. And I know it’s not that liberating, but I cooked for him and that seemed to do the trick when my husband and I were stuck in the friend zone :) lol

  14. I think thats is great advice to give women of all ages!!! I was married at a very young age and about 3 years in I realized that I was being appreciated for the fun goofy sometimes oddball of a fashion loving, half sleeve of tats girl I am. I started to hate myself and then one day I realized I’m better then this and I should be with someone who loves all of this and doesnt want to change me!!! So now even as a single mom of 26 I am happier then ever and loving the woman I am becoming!!!! Be YOURSELF AND LOVE IT!!!

  15. from The Holiday:
    Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
    Iris: You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake! Arthur, I’ve been going to a therapist for three years, and she’s never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant. <3

    • ha, yes! i just saw that on tv the other day and passed it up! i should have watched for inspiration.

      Erin Foster | 12/21/2011 10:12 am
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