Why Choose Between Clever And Racy This Halloween When You Can Have Both?Emily Hirshey

My dear sisterhood, there is plenty of room for growth in the world of clever, slutty costumes, don’t you think? Gone are the days of lingerie and whiskers; detagged are the images of 25-year-old school girls. For I have devised a fool-proof list of costumes that defy all natural presumptions of what is sexy, as well as all obvious manifestations of superior intellect…with bonus hints for how to make these dreams into reality for those of you who are of kindred (some might say special) spirits. You’re welcome, boys.

Costumes That Will Earn You a 4.H0

  • Erotic Baked Potato, a.k.a. “HOT AND SKEWERED”
  • BARACK HOBAMA *Helpful Hint: Though witty, you may want to avoid HOsama Been Laid-On. Some bad blood there.
  • BARNEY THE DINOSWHORE *Helpful Hint: Don’t get too carried away. Remember that Halloween is still not an excuse to tell a first date that you love him, he loves you, and you can have a happy family.
  • Naughty Voldemort, a.k.a. “SHE WHO MUST NOT BE TAMED”
  • Chewbacca, a.k.a. “GET THAT NOOKIE, WOOKIEE”
  • SASSQUATCH
  • MAHOTMA GHANDI *Helpful Hint: If you find yourself at a club, know that a peaceful sit-in on the dance floor is always an option. Though you will risk many diseases and will most likely be vomited on.
  • BOTTLE OF PREPARATION HEYYYYY *Helpful Hint:If anyone asks if you actually have any of the cream on you, say Preparation HELL NO.
  • PORKYOUPINE
  • HAM (Hot-As-(Cooked)Meat) *See above
  • Sassy Garbage Disposal, a.k.a. “TRASHY CAN I?”
  • D(in)M(y)V EMPLOYEE *Helpful Hint: Nothing brings the boys to the yard like a scowl and an overwhelming sense of apathy.
  • SUMOAN WRESTLERS *Helpful Hint: Try not to bend down at all in this costume. Especially if the floor is slanted in any way and you weren’t planning on rolling without stopping for most of the night.
  • Sexy Toilet, a.k.a.  “NUMBER ONE HOTTIE” *Helpful Hint: This is not an occasion where second place is just as good
  • Susan B. Anthony, a.k.a. “SUSAN B. ANTHONY”

Of course, these are just to get you started, to get you thinking beyond that pigeonhole, to the land of pigeonHOles. The world is your smart and slutty oyster.  So put down your bowls of candy corn and vodka (breakfast of champions), and take solace in the fact that this year could be different. This year your costume can make a statement.

Images via Google 

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  1. Dibs on Barack Ho-bama. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that earlier.
    And yes! breakfast of champions indeed. Also, gummy bears swimming in a tempestuous ocean of the cheapest vodka in town. Nom!