Hi kittens, JC again. You, being the hip reader that finds me oddly relatable, are going to love this.  Fake scenario time! It’s a weekday, you’re on your lunch break, and you’re glued to the personal care aisle at CVS. An hour has passed and you just convinced yourself that you need two, not one, but two different kinds of cotton balls. Then all of a sudden, it happens. That coconut water that you didn’t even really want to drink, but now looking back it was delicious, but looking back further it has done the unthinkable: made you have to use a (gulp) public restroom. Dun. Dun. Dun… Yes, I said it pee. Like a kid hanging from a tire swing, I have an ear-to-ear smile when I say the word. Pee. Pee. PEE-PEE.

Now, the fun begins. It used to be that public restrooms were just that: Public. “Open to the public.” So when you’re out and mother nature calls you don’t have to squat behind a Mazda because Target can no longer accommodate people like you because of that one incident where someone stole all of their toilet paper. (It was only once and, believe you me, it was totally worth it/wrong.) Now we’ve gotten to this point where teenage employees can look you dead in the eye and say things like “We don’t have a restroom.” “Really? That’s intriguing. So do you guys just hold it until you melt from the inside out or…?” (By then my roommate has shoved me out of view because thems’ be fightin’ wordz).

I am a paying customer that rarely plans her day accordingly, so I would go out on a limb and say that usually within the first 30 minutes of me being anywhere outside of my hip downtown Los Angeles loft, I will have to run to a restroom. Bladder problems? No, doo-doo face (continuing the theme of “pee-pee.” I hope you appreciate it), I just happen to be one of the many that find themselves in the sticky predicament of not having a restroom available because of the endless reasons that are never clearly identified. Sure, we have that weird key thing tied to a Slim Jim at the gas station across the street, but the homeless man has that right now. Or, we have the Starbucks that has the “One at a time plus the code minus a time limit so this could be a while since caffeine equals, well, you know what…” And, of course we have the eh hm, ” Nope no bathroom here.” (I’ll punch you, kid.)

So that’s it in a nutshell. The world has taken away public restrooms because we, as the public, have abused them. But what have we done,you think? Well for starters, we change in there, we nap in there, we boink in there (So I’ve heard. Hi mom), and then my favorite, we take too long in there. So, of course people have had enough. They have taken back the lavatory that was once ours. How do we resolve this? Start a war? Don’t be a bozo. I don’t have time for something like that. And to be honest, I am the kind of pansy that will more than likely cry if you hit me. (Me lover, Me no fighter.)

The only thing we can do, people, is act like PEOPLE, not animals. Clean up after yourself. And for the love of god, PEE FASTER. It wouldn’t kill you to challenge yourself to something my girlfriends and I do when we are out mimosa-ing it up at Sunday brunch. It’s called “PEE and WASH in a minute or less” (working title). If you fail, you buy brunch. Now the key is to never look in the mirror. Just don’t.  You will find flaws and these flaws should only be tended to in the privacy of your own bathroom. This bathroom here is for the public. And, to be honest, if he doesn’t like you for who you are now as the girl downing O’douls on a Friday night, then sorry chipmunk, he’s not the one. Now wipe and goooooo.  I know it’s a silly game to throw at an adult who pays taxes, but you better believe when you’re having your CVS day and the closest bathroom is our brunch spot, minus our annoying “drunk girl octave,” you’ll think we were heaven sent. God S(pee)d.

Image via Geek Sugar

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