I’m not entirely delusional (operative word: “entirely”). For the most part, I understand the difference between fantasy and reality, fiction and truth.
Sure, the lines can be blurry these days with the relentless deluge of American Idol spinoffs, Jersey Shore-style trainwrecks and Bachelor-esque nausea-fests, all featuring “real” people. Is JLo actually tearing up, or are those precisely positioned glycerine drops glistening under stage lights? Is Snooki truly that drunk, or is it just masterful method acting? And seriously, are those girls legitimately into Ben? Gross.
And then of course there is the artificial intimacy we now feel with celebrities, thanks to their tweets, blogs and Facebook updates. It’s like Britney Spears is emoting directly into our souls, right y’all?
But for the most part, I can distinguish between Us Weekly and everyday life. Yet I can’t help embarking on an intense, emotional roller coaster each and every time a celebrity couple calls it quits. And unfortunately for me (and, oh yeah, the celebrities), divorce is quickly eclipsing facelifts and lipo to become Hollywood’s new epidemic.
As a single, decidedly unfamous citizen, I can’t even imagine the massive pressure, stress and insanity that accompanies a marriage in the spotlight. So really, I salute anyone that even attempts to make it work. But the demises of Demi and Ashton, Katy and Russell and Kim and Kris (is nothing sacred?!) have seriously bummed me out, which is sort of embarrassing.
And now TMZ is reporting that Heidi Klum and Seal—a couple so adamantly in love, they insisted on renewing their vows in over-the-top ceremonies each year – are going their separate ways. I really would love for this news to have little to no impact on my emotional stability, but it does. Feel free to judge me, I deserve it.
I can’t help it. I know I have absolutely no personal ties to these people, and as my mom likes to point out, the majority of them are “cartoons” created by the Hollywood machine. And as far as we know, many of them were never in real, happy marriages to begin and only tied the knot to further their careers or boost their box office appeal.
But as cynical and alarmingly pessimistic as I can sometimes appear to casual strangers, I’m kind of a hopeless romantic raised on Titanic-level love stories. It makes me really sad to see all these couples crumbling.
The February issue of Glamour has a fun article on this topic titled “Dear Celebrities: Please Stop Marrying Each Other!” While I agree that some stars need to put the brakes on before blurting out “I Dos,” I don’t necessarily think they need to quit each other all together. If they could just take some time to think about their choices though, that would be great—some of us just can’t take the ups and downs.
And Beyoncé and Jay-Z: you are not allowed to split. Ever. Thanks.