Okay, guys. Here it is: My name is Vanessa, and I am a Cat Lady.
Let me qualify that statement: it’s not that I’m not a Dog Person. Because, guys, I love dogs. I love dogs so much. When I was a kid, I had a dog, Molly the Springer Spaniel, and Molly was the best dog-friend a girl could ask for. Molly and I would go for walks and cuddle and she would beg and do tricks and all the adorable companion-y things that dogs do.
But when I was 16, my family got a cat. I’d never had a cat before and the moment we brought Micetro home (yes, yes, spelled incorrectly because I was one of those odd, ironic teens), I knew I was destined to become a Cat Lady … we, like, got each other.
So why is it that when women choose to own a cat over a dog, people think, “OMG, SHE MUST BE: LONELY/DEPRESSED/CRAZY”?
Okay, so here’s my theory. Here’s the thing about people. We like to categorize. It’s so much easier for our brain to handle life if our choices are in neat, organized columns. I’m OCD. I get it, life. I get you.
So at some point – I’m guessing around the time of, you know, the Renaissance (okay, not really… I’m just proud that I know how to spell Renaissance so like to drop it whenever I can) – when people were faced with choices and selections and DO THE RIGHT THING, it became:
Diet Pepsi versus Diet Coke, New York versus LA, Backstreet Boys versus N’Sync, and Cats versus Dogs
And so back during the Renaissance (again, probably not), the whole dog versus cat debate spun out of control and suddenly it became widely accepted that your pet of choice was obviously a reflection of who you were as a human being. Forget inkblots and personality inventories because this test was way more accurate.
But here’s why it’s not fair: Dogs are cute and cuddly and love to spend every waking and sleeping moment next to you, wanting nothing more than that approval we all seek. They live and breathe for the chance to go everywhere with you. You are their Alpha, their Omega, their Sun and their Moon, their Sky above.
Cats basically don’t care.
Thus, worldwide Team Dog has it great. When a dog owner says, “I have a dog” the response is usually, “Awww…” because I mean, really, who doesn’t want to be worshipped?
Team Cat, though? We have it rough. Tell someone you have cats, and they get all nose-scrunchy judgmental and, “Oh, I’m allergic.” No. No, you aren’t. Okay, maybe some of you are, but not all of you.
Now, I’m not sure when the whole Cat Ladies Are Crazy stigma came along, and granted there are probably more crazy ladies who own cats than crazy ladies who own dogs, and sure our collective spinster great aunts who owned 11 felines and talked to themselves certainly didn’t help the Crazy Cat Lady Cause, but I swear, we’re not all nuts (and BTW, we’ve all seen that woman in the West Village who walks around with her Yorkie in a Baby Bjorn, so there’s that).
So, readers of HelloGiggles, in defense of Team Cat, I present to you:
If You Are What You Own, Why Cat Ladies Can Be Cool, I Swear
We are obviously self-sufficient. We really don’t need you or anyone, but contrary to popular belief, we do enjoy hanging out with other people. Just in moderation. And when we want to. And how we want to… Okay, I’ve had enough. If you aren’t going to leave, then I will.
We are polite to our guests. Rather than jump all over them in a frenzied state of ridiculousness, there’s a good chance we’ll just hide, unless you’re allergic to us, and then we will definitely say hello. Because frankly, there’s nothing more satisfying than forcing my amazingness on someone who really doesn’t want anything to do with me.
We really, really demand a high standard of grooming. You never find us worried that we might smell. If we walk into a room, you aren’t going to be able to locate us with your nose. And if you smell, you’ll know it because we’ll tell you. In fact, we might try to bury you with imaginary dirt. Plus, if you need a hair cut, I will totally tell you, not because I’m like a cat, but because I think that you should just know.
We are funnier. Okay, this is debatable as I’ve known some pretty funny Dog People, but for real, Team Cat has an entire online web presence and hundreds of memes backing this up. We are especially funny if you imagine us tawking wyke dis and/or replacing the plural s with z. I mean, you should see the look on my postal carrier’s face when I ask her, “Haz I got any mails?” In fact, we frequently do funny things to amuse you, at our own expense and we are okay with it because we know we’re doing it and if we don’t know we’re doing it, we pretend it was on purpose all along.
We never need to go out. In fact, most of us generally dislike leaving our apartment. Every possible trip out is weighed and considered, every time asking the question: “Do I really need to?”. This Team Cat superpower is particularly great in times of inclement weather and after midnight. We will wave to you from our warm window seat, high above you, as you slosh through the cold, mean streets.
We love giving gifts. ”Surprise! Look what I found! Don’t care if you don’t want it, because I don’t want it either, anymore!” Okay, fine, we may or may not regift.
We are subtle. Actually, no, forget that. We’re not subtle at all.
We’re high maintenance. Yeah, this may not be a cool thing, but I’m going to pretend it is.
It’s not that we don’t have an attention span, it’s just that we don’t care. “Ooh, what’s that? Interesting. Sort of. Actually, not really.”
And the number one reason Cat Ladies Can Be Cool, I Swear?
I have two, and I am cool.
Featured image via yourdailycute