Dear 12-Year-Old Ingrid,
Boobs do not make everything in your life better. In your case, they’ll make everything worse, so stop praying to God that you will be blessed with breasts. Dreams come true and they turn into nightmares. Open your eyes, unclasp your hands, stand up and get back into bed. You have school tomorrow, you should be thinking about that or about how to get out of the math test that you didn’t study for…again.
Apparently God is in the business of granting wishes this week, so start praying for something better than breasts. Wish for one million dollars, a private island, a week long stay in Oprah’s abode. Something, anything better than large breasts.
Life with boobs is not one big red bathing suit, Pamela Anderson, California beach party. In reality, anything bigger than an A cup would look and feel terribly unsupported and flimsy in that Baywatch one piecer. That TV show, though incredibly entertaining, is not real life. Running will not save lives. In fact, if you continue to pray for extra large breasts, the only running thing you’ll be doing is to the plastic surgeon to get rid of those puppies. I mean…giant, oversized, extra large areolas. Real talk time.
The breasts that you’re longing for are well on their way. In an A,B,C, D, E,F, GESUS cup way. Yeah, you heard me. You will be blessed with with a G-cup breast size if you continue to pray to God that you grow breasts. Yes, that cup size exists. And it’ll be yours. 34G. It has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?
You’ll have to go to specialty bra stores reserved for 85-year-old women and all the other girls who prayed too hard before bed as well. You’ll have to double up on bras every single day of your life. Exercise that involves movement will be only but a dream. And just forget about ever wearing a button down shirt! Ha! No chance. Those dog days are over.
You’re so obsessed with breasts, you start to stuff your bra with tissue. You’re in the 6th grade, shouldn’t you be playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines? Or obsessing over J.T.T.? Or waiting till you’re a more reasonable age like…13? When your parents confront you about the tissues in your training bra, you’ll lie and blame your grandmother. “I was playing dress up with Granny, I guess I forgot to take them out.” As if they’ll buy that excuse. Why would your grandmother encourage you to stuff your bra with a tablespoon of crumpled up tissue? Granny would have at least given you a nice pair of cashmere socks.
Let’s prioritize. Dream a better dream because whatever you’re wishing for will come true. Ask for…Ponies! Sega! A beach house in Fiji! A roller coaster in your backyard! Lifetime passes to every movie theater anywhere in the world! The ability to change your hair color with your mind! Time travel! Smaller pores! A lion as your best friend! A house in Africa with your best friend the lion! O.M.G. the options are endless.
Be smart about this.
Your Future Self