Letters To My Younger Self Careful What You Wish For Ingrid Haas

Dear 12-Year-Old Ingrid,

Boobs do not make everything in your life better. In your case, they’ll make everything worse, so stop praying to God that you will be blessed with breasts. Dreams come true and they turn into nightmares. Open your eyes, unclasp your hands, stand up and get back into bed. You have school tomorrow, you should be thinking about that or about how to get out of the math test that you didn’t study for…again.

Apparently God is in the business of granting wishes this week, so start praying for something better than breasts. Wish for one million dollars, a private island, a week long stay in Oprah’s abode. Something, anything better than large breasts.

Life with boobs is not one big red bathing suit, Pamela Anderson, California beach party.  In reality, anything bigger than an A cup would look and feel terribly unsupported and flimsy in that Baywatch one piecer.  That TV show, though incredibly entertaining, is not real life. Running will not save lives. In fact, if you continue to pray for extra large breasts, the only running thing you’ll be doing is to the plastic surgeon to get rid of those puppies. I mean…giant, oversized, extra large areolas. Real talk time.

The breasts that you’re longing for are well on their way. In an A,B,C, D, E,F, GESUS cup way. Yeah, you heard me. You will be blessed with with a G-cup breast size if you continue to pray to God that you grow breasts. Yes, that cup size exists. And it’ll be yours. 34G. It has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?

You’ll have to go to specialty bra stores reserved for 85-year-old women and all the other girls who prayed too hard before bed as well. You’ll have to double up on bras every single day of your life. Exercise that involves movement will be only but a dream.  And just forget about ever wearing a button down shirt! Ha! No chance. Those dog days are over.

You’re so obsessed with breasts, you start to stuff your bra with tissue. You’re in the 6th grade, shouldn’t you be playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines? Or obsessing over J.T.T.? Or waiting till you’re a more reasonable age like…13? When your parents confront you about the tissues in your training bra, you’ll lie and blame your grandmother. “I was playing dress up with Granny, I guess I forgot to take them out.” As if they’ll buy that excuse. Why would your grandmother encourage you to stuff your bra with a tablespoon of crumpled up tissue? Granny would have at least given you a nice pair of cashmere socks.

Let’s prioritize. Dream a better dream because whatever you’re wishing for will come true. Ask for…Ponies! Sega!  A beach house in Fiji! A roller coaster in your backyard! Lifetime passes to every movie theater anywhere in the world! The ability to change your hair color with your mind! Time travel! Smaller pores! A lion as your best friend! A house in Africa with your best friend the lion! O.M.G. the options are endless.

Be smart about this.

Love,

Your Future Self

 

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  1. I remember the 11-year old girl from my childhood praying for larger breasts. Then I hit puberty and have regretted it ever since. It seems like every few years I increase a size or two. Be careful what you wish for!

  2. You need to be locked away so you can’t poison anyone with your heretical ideas.

  3. Hahaha, I like this! I’m roughly an A cup, even then there’s still room to fit a few household items in the gaping space between bra + boob. While I do feel sad that I will never, ever find a dress that fits both top half and bottom half, I’ve had friends in pain because their boobs move on the train, they struggle to run, they fear droopage down to age… plus and minus to everything, I suppose. But in my opinion, breasts look great whatever size :D

  4. Sadly, I prayed every single day that I would get boobs and I never did :( even with pregnancy and breastfeeding, I’m still kicking around A’s. NOT FAIR. :P

  5. agreed! because coming from a 17 year old, who is a G cup(and btw, i never wished for these. i wished for a bigger but,…which still hasnt happened). boobs suck. i would give anything to have smaller boobs. i can never find bras, and when i do, they are the ugliest things imaginable. be happy with tiny breasts.

  6. OH my lord, I wished for the same thing. Boy was it granted, more than I could have ever imagined. Now I have to buy bras at plus sized stores (and I am not plus sized).

    Now I dream of having a small C cup, pretty bras that don’t dig into my shoulders, and not having lower back pain.

  7. From a girl who used to put on my dad’s shirt, blow up balloons and shove them under hoping my boobs would one day be Dolly Parton (and now regrets this constant prayer at 32F) I wish I could’ve told myself the same thing! I LOVE LOVE LOVED this! Thank you!

  8. Thank you for writing this, i totally understand. i started growing in third grade and never really noticed i was bigger than the other girls till a lot later. i was having a really hard time find a bra that fit and i was told from Victoria secrets and other stores like it that i was a D cup….well i went to a GREAT place that i think every big chested woman should go to!!!!

    http://jenettebras.com Janette is amazing and knows what she is doing, she was the one that told me i’m actually a 34 F. she has BEAUTIFUL bras and her sizes start only at D and go up from there! so if you are looking for beautiful bras and an amazing person i say go to Jenette’s. she just opened a new store in Pasadena!

  9. I’m like a 10E so I’m small but I have big boobs and I find buying bras to be the most difficult and frustrating thing ever! Not only can I not find cute bras in my size, I usually can’t find any bras in my size period. Or if I do they’re $50+ which is ridiculous when you can find smaller bras that are a lot nicer for almost 1/4 of the price because very few people make large cupsizes with small bandsize so they can charge whatever they like. It’s infuriating! But I guess people always want what they don’t have. We need to stop wihing for someone else’s body and start loving what we’ve got

  10. I’m 13 and a 34B right now, I really hope they don’t grow much more…

  11. Great article.

  12. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yes.

  13. At the age of 22 I had breast reduction surgery. Went from a 36DDD or E to a 36D. Asked for a C, but I’m a small D. Best thing I could have done after graduating college. Rough recovery, but oh so worth it. Put me into debt a bit, but worth every freaking penny.

  14. Thanks for the great article, and I totally agree! The worst part is that all the cute bras aren’t made in anything larger than a D cup, and if they are, they have no support. :( I am not a grandmother, I’m a 17 year old girl!

  15. This was totally me. My friend and I used to stand on the empty volleyball court in fourth grade and compare notes on our boobs growing. Puberty was going to be this amazing thing for us to experience. What puberty did was this: it turned my best friend into a raging hormone who lost her virginity too soon (her words, not mine), and I grew boobs and got the looks from the guys but never went out on a date until I was 22 because I was a giant dork.

  16. OMG yes! throughout middle school I wished I’d grow boobs – then by the time I started my freshman year of high school, I was a DDD! No freakin joke – careful what you wish for!!

  17. HAHAHA this is so true! “A, B, C, D, E, F, GESUS cup “–so eloquently said! ;)

  18. I’m 19 and a 34 DD, I really dislike it, major back pain, never can find the right bra, and can’t wear cute little tops that boobless women wear, can’t wear anything slightly low-cut without looking like a slutt.

  19. I wished for them too! And now I’m “blessed” with being a 34H (as in HOLY SH-). Love the bit about shopping in bra stores meant for 80-year-old women, because it’s so true. I just want a sexy Victoria’s Secret bra, but I guess I’ll have to settle for my still-too-small cream and floral patterned ones instead :/ And button-down shirts? More like a peep show…

  20. Thanks for all the comments and feedback, ladies! Glad I wrote something that you could relate to. Be proud of what you got though…just careful what you wish for. :)
    xoxoxo