Letters To My Younger Self
Careful What You Wish For
by Ingrid Haas
Dear 12-Year-Old Ingrid,
Boobs do not make everything in your life better. In your case, they’ll make everything worse, so stop praying to God that you will be blessed with breasts. Dreams come true and they turn into nightmares. Open your eyes, unclasp your hands, stand up and get back into bed. You have school tomorrow, you should be thinking about that or about how to get out of the math test that you didn’t study for…again.
Apparently God is in the business of granting wishes this week, so start praying for something better than breasts. Wish for one million dollars, a private island, a week long stay in Oprah’s abode. Something, anything better than large breasts.
Life with boobs is not one big red bathing suit, Pamela Anderson, California beach party. In reality, anything bigger than an A cup would look and feel terribly unsupported and flimsy in that Baywatch one piecer. That TV show, though incredibly entertaining, is not real life. Running will not save lives. In fact, if you continue to pray for extra large breasts, the only running thing you’ll be doing is to the plastic surgeon to get rid of those puppies. I mean…giant, oversized, extra large areolas. Real talk time.
The breasts that you’re longing for are well on their way. In an A,B,C, D, E,F, GESUS cup way. Yeah, you heard me. You will be blessed with with a G-cup breast size if you continue to pray to God that you grow breasts. Yes, that cup size exists. And it’ll be yours. 34G. It has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?
You’ll have to go to specialty bra stores reserved for 85-year-old women and all the other girls who prayed too hard before bed as well. You’ll have to double up on bras every single day of your life. Exercise that involves movement will be only but a dream. And just forget about ever wearing a button down shirt! Ha! No chance. Those dog days are over.
You’re so obsessed with breasts, you start to stuff your bra with tissue. You’re in the 6th grade, shouldn’t you be playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines? Or obsessing over J.T.T.? Or waiting till you’re a more reasonable age like…13? When your parents confront you about the tissues in your training bra, you’ll lie and blame your grandmother. “I was playing dress up with Granny, I guess I forgot to take them out.” As if they’ll buy that excuse. Why would your grandmother encourage you to stuff your bra with a tablespoon of crumpled up tissue? Granny would have at least given you a nice pair of cashmere socks.
Let’s prioritize. Dream a better dream because whatever you’re wishing for will come true. Ask for…Ponies! Sega! A beach house in Fiji! A roller coaster in your backyard! Lifetime passes to every movie theater anywhere in the world! The ability to change your hair color with your mind! Time travel! Smaller pores! A lion as your best friend! A house in Africa with your best friend the lion! O.M.G. the options are endless.
Be smart about this.
Love,
Your Future Self
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12.15.2011 |
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This is my first time ever commenting on this website, but I felt like I should on this article because I feel your pain. While I never had the smallest of boobs in school, about a C cup, I have gained weight over the years, and my bras are now 42G. So while our stories aren’t quite the same, I’ve been there and I so get what you’re saying. I really don’t get people who want bigger boobs. I’m like “Be happy with what you have!” because they don’t realize how much this can suck. So anyway, thanks for this article.
So funny and so true! I’m in fact running to the plastic surgeon next month.
From someone who has dealt with the same problem all her life and is now counting down the days until breats reduction surgery (46), thank you so much for this article. It’s always nice when someone else understands that being “blessed” is anything but a blessing!
And just forget about ever wearing a button down shirt! Ha! No chance. Haha, so true, and this article is great, and I can relate. It’s not fun!!
UGH FINALLY SOMEONE WHO GETS IT. Yes. yes yes yes. Button-up-shirts either are way too big and hang off my waist making me look “fat” or I can’t button them over my breasts. And I’m only a 32C-32D (depends on the brand and the shape of the bra).
This really is an amazing article as I was one of those little girls that would pray every night for boobies. My mom is seriously flat and has nothing and I never wanted that. Now looking back I wish I didn’t pray for boobies bc now im a DD and its no fun! I wish I could take all of those nights back and pray like you said for something that doesn’t give me stress about what looks/fits on top. Good article!
one day I hope to get reduction surgery after I have my last child!
I feel bad that I can’t stop looking at the featured image on this article.
Ha! Marianna, me too!!!
Freaking hilarious (you know, as much as it can be to a guy)…
Ooh, I remember this bit from your show! It cracked me up!
As a G cupper, I tell any young thing complaining about her lack of boobs to just hush. How I wish I was a pretty little A cup and could but pretty bras. I would be fine with adding extra (if I felt like it) but stuffing a handy chicken cutlet in my bra. Instead, I have an array of giant mixing bowl sized bras hanging from a hook in my closet. In black and beige. I also sleep in a sports bra to lock them down for fear of accidently suffocating myself in my sleep.
Thank you for this article. Oh, the letters I could write to my 12-year-old self. They would include boobs (I was the last one to get them and once I got them, my friends had moved on to something else) and a very embarrassing crush on Donnie Wahlberg from NKOTB.
Right now I’m at a 38D…the same size my mom was when she was my age(21)… and I don’t want these ladies to get any bigger. My mom’s at a G cup now, and that was after breastfeeding 4 kids…I want to breastfeed my future babies someday…but I don’t want my boobs to hang like a tribal woman. I don’t think I ever prayed for boobs, but somehow I got them. The worst part is looking like hoochie when you totally don’t intend to, or when you drop food down there.. I swear, these things are glorified crumb catchers.
Well done. The boobs of this world are cheering for you, Ingrid.
I’m 23 and 34C which is already big for me…I know most girls would like to have bigger boobs but I’m already feeling a bit uncomfortable with mine…so how could a girl wish to have boobs as big as Pamela Anderson’s ?
STUMBLED UPON THIS AND THINK YOU SHOULD START A BIGGER ISN’T BETTER CAMPAIGN……..READ AN ARTICLE (I THINK IT WAS HEALTHGURU.COM) THAT SAID THAT ALL WOMEN BEFORE ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD SPEND 1 YEAR LIVING ALONE (NO BOYFRIEND OR ROOMMATE) FOR AMONG OTHER REASONS TO LEARN HOW TO RELY ON NO ONE BUT THEMSELVES FOR HAPPINESS WITH WHO THEY ARE ON THE OUTSIDE AS THEY FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE ON THE INSIDE. (HUGH LUMPS OF FAT ON YOUR CHEST WILL NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE, RATHER JUST BECOME WHO YOU ARE). AS A MAN I CAN HONESTLY TELL YOU THAT I LIKE WOMEN THAT ARE VERY CURVACEOUS, AND WOMEN THAT ARE QUITE SLENDER. BUT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE ARE THE ONE’S THAT ARE COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT ABOUT WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE NOT THE ONES WITH GIANT DISPROPORTIONED SACS OF FAT IN FRONT OF THEM. (NO THEIR BREASTS, NOT THE MAN THEIR WITH)
Thanks for all the comments and feedback, ladies! Glad I wrote something that you could relate to. Be proud of what you got though…just careful what you wish for.
xoxoxo
I wished for them too! And now I’m “blessed” with being a 34H (as in HOLY SH-). Love the bit about shopping in bra stores meant for 80-year-old women, because it’s so true. I just want a sexy Victoria’s Secret bra, but I guess I’ll have to settle for my still-too-small cream and floral patterned ones instead :/ And button-down shirts? More like a peep show…
I’m 19 and a 34 DD, I really dislike it, major back pain, never can find the right bra, and can’t wear cute little tops that boobless women wear, can’t wear anything slightly low-cut without looking like a slutt.
HAHAHA this is so true! “A, B, C, D, E, F, GESUS cup “–so eloquently said!
OMG yes! throughout middle school I wished I’d grow boobs – then by the time I started my freshman year of high school, I was a DDD! No freakin joke – careful what you wish for!!
This was totally me. My friend and I used to stand on the empty volleyball court in fourth grade and compare notes on our boobs growing. Puberty was going to be this amazing thing for us to experience. What puberty did was this: it turned my best friend into a raging hormone who lost her virginity too soon (her words, not mine), and I grew boobs and got the looks from the guys but never went out on a date until I was 22 because I was a giant dork.
I forgot to add to my comment that I was a 36B in middle-through-high school, and found out last year I am a 34DD.
Thanks for the great article, and I totally agree! The worst part is that all the cute bras aren’t made in anything larger than a D cup, and if they are, they have no support.
I am not a grandmother, I’m a 17 year old girl!
At the age of 22 I had breast reduction surgery. Went from a 36DDD or E to a 36D. Asked for a C, but I’m a small D. Best thing I could have done after graduating college. Rough recovery, but oh so worth it. Put me into debt a bit, but worth every freaking penny.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yes.
Great article.
I’m 13 and a 34B right now, I really hope they don’t grow much more…
I’m like a 10E so I’m small but I have big boobs and I find buying bras to be the most difficult and frustrating thing ever! Not only can I not find cute bras in my size, I usually can’t find any bras in my size period. Or if I do they’re $50+ which is ridiculous when you can find smaller bras that are a lot nicer for almost 1/4 of the price because very few people make large cupsizes with small bandsize so they can charge whatever they like. It’s infuriating! But I guess people always want what they don’t have. We need to stop wihing for someone else’s body and start loving what we’ve got
Thank you for writing this, i totally understand. i started growing in third grade and never really noticed i was bigger than the other girls till a lot later. i was having a really hard time find a bra that fit and i was told from Victoria secrets and other stores like it that i was a D cup….well i went to a GREAT place that i think every big chested woman should go to!!!!
http://jenettebras.com Janette is amazing and knows what she is doing, she was the one that told me i’m actually a 34 F. she has BEAUTIFUL bras and her sizes start only at D and go up from there! so if you are looking for beautiful bras and an amazing person i say go to Jenette’s. she just opened a new store in Pasadena!
From a girl who used to put on my dad’s shirt, blow up balloons and shove them under hoping my boobs would one day be Dolly Parton (and now regrets this constant prayer at 32F) I wish I could’ve told myself the same thing! I LOVE LOVE LOVED this! Thank you!
OH my lord, I wished for the same thing. Boy was it granted, more than I could have ever imagined. Now I have to buy bras at plus sized stores (and I am not plus sized).
Now I dream of having a small C cup, pretty bras that don’t dig into my shoulders, and not having lower back pain.
agreed! because coming from a 17 year old, who is a G cup(and btw, i never wished for these. i wished for a bigger but,…which still hasnt happened). boobs suck. i would give anything to have smaller boobs. i can never find bras, and when i do, they are the ugliest things imaginable. be happy with tiny breasts.
Sadly, I prayed every single day that I would get boobs and I never did
even with pregnancy and breastfeeding, I’m still kicking around A’s. NOT FAIR. 
Hahaha, I like this! I’m roughly an A cup, even then there’s still room to fit a few household items in the gaping space between bra + boob. While I do feel sad that I will never, ever find a dress that fits both top half and bottom half, I’ve had friends in pain because their boobs move on the train, they struggle to run, they fear droopage down to age… plus and minus to everything, I suppose. But in my opinion, breasts look great whatever size
You need to be locked away so you can’t poison anyone with your heretical ideas.
I remember the 11-year old girl from my childhood praying for larger breasts. Then I hit puberty and have regretted it ever since. It seems like every few years I increase a size or two. Be careful what you wish for!