Keep It ClassyCalm Down, Don't Be Stupid, & Try Not To SuckLauren Ashley Bishop

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. But can you lead a person to a blog & make them drink in delicious knowledge of how to be a more awesomer & BETTERer person if they just read this real quick? Heeeeeey let’s find out.

There are 3 keys to keeping it classy: Calm down, don’t be stupid, & try not to suck. Let’s have a look-see at how we can apply those to everyday life. shall we? We shall! It’s easy.

Perhaps these apply to you, perhaps they apply to your significant other, or maybe that dude from HR is really nice but needs some help with the whole not sucking at life thing. Look at you printing this out and leaving this on his desk like an angel! You are helping! Atta girl.

Calm down: Stop wearing your sunglasses behind your head.

What? Where are you going that you need your sunglasses hugging the back of your head? Calm down. Have you heard of pockets? Check those things out. Besides, if your sunglasses fell off, how would you know? No one would even tell you because you are probably a Republican golfer and nobody likes to talk to those. Do you not love your children? They are so embarrassed by you right now. Look at them. They hate you. I mean, I don’t love your children, so i get it, but you? You made those things. Stop embarrassing your kids and take your fake Ray Bans off your meaty neck right now. They are coming to realize that someday soon you will be the parent wearing a fanny pack to Six Flags (BECAUSE IT’S PRACTICAL, YOU GUYS) and they will run away to work/work out their issues on a stripper pole. Unless you actually own a strip club and this will be good for the family business, calm down and put your sunglasses on top of your head like a normal human being.

Don’t be stupid: The soul patch must go.

You’re kidding me right? You’re kidding me with this. You have a rug stapled onto your chin and you’re still trying to talk to me? I CANNOT HEAR YOU. WHY? BECAUSE THERE IS A RUG ON YOUR CHIN. Beards? I want to hump them. Baby face? I’ll take that too. Mustache only? Weird, but I suspect you’re good at sexing stuff so I’m still game. But a soul patch? Now I know you have dreams of putting out a CD that will sell mostly at gas stations. Shave it off. Don’t even finish reading this. Go now. I’ll wait. Girls, do you have a boyfriend with a soul patch? When he is sleeping all you have to do is give it one razor lick. Whoops! Now it all has to go in the morning. How did it happen? Cat? Raptured? Who cares! You’ve saved his face. You are a hero. Go eat some carbs, you deserve it.

Try not to suck: Don’t trash your ex online.

This one is hard because the Internet just makes it ohhhh so easy to talk smack on other people. especially when you have those great naked pictures that you said you threw away but LOL nooooo you didn’t! But seriously, when you hurl insults about someone you dated you sound like that kid in junior high who screamed LOSER! at kids because secretly he pooped his pants in class and just wanted someone to take it out on and a hug. Basically what I’m saying is we’re sorry you pooped your pants, but shut up. The Internet is for fun having. Oh, you have a crappy ex? Have a cookie, everyone does. If I had a nickel for every fantastic joke I came up with about my ex that I decided not to post because I’m a respectful southern woman who has more class than that, I’d be all like OHHHH NOOOO, WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THESE TEN MILLION POUNDS OF NICKELS? There are so many things in life to make jokes about (Cats! Congress! The fact that Jake Gyllenhaal is playing hard to get with me!) that are better subjects. The Internet should be cat-y, not catty. Bottom line: class is sexy. You’re not always going to be able to resist, I get it. Just try. And that’s keeping it classy, folks.

 

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  1. This is absolutely fantastically awesome. I love laughing out loud.

  2. I love this so hard.

  3. Soul patch. I had to look that up but, yeah, ridiculous things.

  4. A print-out of this should be included in that little envelope baseball tickets come in.

  5. Forever and always the best.

  6. LaughedOutLoudBrilliant.