I know there are approximately twenty-five Snow White “reimaginings” rolling out this summer, but one of them should include the around-the-clock maintenance it takes for someone of that coloring to avoid looking like Sasquatch. As a lady with jet-black hair and pasty white skin, let me tell you: it is a time commitment. Even if you handed out tweezers and waxing strips to each of the seven dwarves, the work would never end, even if they whistled the entire time. (Please go to sleep tonight with the image of a tiny, bearded man giving you a Brazilian. Sweet dreams, my loves.)
Because of my hirsute nature, I like having a convenient place to get my eyebrows done. Otherwise, time lapses, and I end up going on commercial auditions hoping the company envisioned Frida Kahlo to hustle its energy drinks. So when “Wonderful Eyebrows” first opened within blocks of my apartment, I was pumped, until I realized that its business model is “wreak emotional devastation until the clients agree to extra services.” Filmmakers of America: when is someone going to make a documentary about the bullying that takes place in eyebrow threading salons?
I am no stranger to bullying. In fact, it was thanks to middle school bullies that I realized that ten-year-old girls usually have two eyebrows instead of one thick mask of fur across their forehead. So I was very surprised that in my adult life, my eyebrows would be at the (now delineated) center of another hostile environment.
This is how it usually goes during an appointment at “Wonderful Eyebrows”: a woman forcefully rips out my hair. Afterward, she hands me a mirror so I can survey the new shape of my eyebrows, surrounded by large patches of swollen skin. As I hand back the mirror, she asks if I am happy with the shape. I compliment her work, and she responds, “Your skin is very terrible. You should get a facial.” Sometimes she dramatically points to her own face to underscore my trouble spots. “Terrible, terrible.”
Isn’t making me cry by RIPPING HAIR OUT OF MY FACE WITH THREAD enough? Must they go after my pores? …And why do I keep returning to this place time and time again?
At my last appointment, I decided to take charge of the situation. As soon as I sat down in the chair, I told her I only had time for eyebrows, although I “knew they offered lots of great services.”
And then I employed a tactic favored by bullied children everywhere: point out your own flaws first. “I tried a free sample of face cream last week and I broke out into hives,” I said. “I know my skin hasn’t calmed down yet.”
“Why are you using free face cream when you could have a facial for your terrible, terrible skin?”
Image via iBeautyLine