We here at Broke Girl’s Guide have tried to take a break from obsessing over how to get our favorite famous men to marry us. Then we saw Shame. Michael Fassbender’s character is absolutely disgusting in the movie, and yet we somehow still want to make babies with him in a bad way (Michael, not his character). Perhaps this phenomenon has something to do with the film’s opening close-ups. You know what we’re talking about (and if you don’t, another one of our future husbands might be able to fill you in). So, we couldn’t help ourselves — here is the Broke Girl’s Guide to marrying Michael Fassbender.
1. Learn German – Michael was born in Germany and speaks the language conversationally. We can think of a few choice words it might benefit you to learn in his native tongue. Try Livemocha for free lessons.
2. Become an Irish Cook – When Michael was a child, his dad was a chef in Ireland. Can’t lie – we find most Irish food to be a bit revolting, although we’ve been known to make an exception for Casey’s Guinness Stew and Irish Coffee on St. Patty’s. But this isn’t about us, it’s about our boyfriend Fassbender. Try making Corned Beef and Cabbage and a little Irish Soda Bread.
3. Brave the horror – Our big, strong man is apparently terrified of ‘real-life’ horror films (as opposed to, say, supernatural horror). Once you’ve won him over with your (dirty) German vocabulary and hearty-meal-cooking abilities, invite him over for a surprise screening of Jaws. Then, hold him.
5. Learn to Unplug – Fassbender owns a cell phone, but he rarely uses it and often likes to go completely off the radar. Sell yours for quick cash — plus save hundreds on price-gouging wireless bills — and use your newfound windfall to follow him on his next motorcycle trip ‘round Europe. Done and done!
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