Are You There Blog? It's Me CaraghBREAKING NEWS: Ernest Hemingway Never Died, He Just Operates Under the Name Ron SwansonCaragh Poh

I’m not one for conspiracy theories. I don’t think that 9/11 was an inside job and I’m still baffled that the President of the United States had to release his birth certificate to prove that he isn’t a Muslim born on Mars during the fourth rain shower under the new moon in January, or whatever those crazy people were accusing him of.

But you sit there and try to tell me that Pulitizer Prize winning author Ernest Hemingway is dead. Go ahead, do it. I won’t believe you. While reading a book of Hemingway’s short stories, I couldn’t help but notice the striking similarities between Parks and Recreation character Ron Swanson and Hemingway himself. The truth is out there, folks, and I’ve compiled the evidence:

Multiple wives

“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.” -Ron Swanson 

Ron wined and dined a pair of Tammys, unaffectionately referred to as Tammy 1 and Tammy 2. Dipping deep into the Oedipal pot, it has once been revealed that Tammy was also the name of Ron’s mother.

Hemingway courted married four women; Hadley Richardson, Pauline Pfieffer, Martha Gelhorn and Mary Welsh.

Politics

“I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck. E. Cheese. ” – Ron Swanson

Hemingway was an expatriate who renounced his citizenship in favor France after he concluded that America and its government had the wrong attitude about World War 1, even though he himself was a participant.

Ron Swanson is a by-the-books libertarian who believes in the government having as little power as possible, despite his his career in local government.

Location

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast. – Ernest Hemingway

They live in neighboring states; Ernest Hemingway was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois while Ron Swanson resides and works from the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana

Mustaches

“Leslie, you need to understand that we are headed ot the most special place on earth. When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.” – Ron Swanson

Look at these mustaches. Have you ever seen more luxurious facial hair? Nowadays, mustaches mostly belong on gay cops and ironic hipsters, but these dudes pull it off with swag-style of artistic Alpha males.

Recreational Habits

“It’s like yoga, except I get to kill something.” Ron Swanson, on fishing

Both Hemingway and Swanson are true manly men. Swanson enjoys woodworking, hunting, fishing and camping. Hemingway was a lifelong lover of bull fighting, boxing and hunting bears. No, seriously: Hemingway loved to hunt bears.

Verbosity

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier i am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” Ron Swanson

Both mustachioed manly men are the strong, silent type. Ron dislikes speaking so much  that in season 2, when he was meant to be holding meeting with the residents of Pawnee, he instead just hired April Ludgate as his secretly to field any and all complaints and calls.

Hemingway popularized the Iceberg Theory in literature. He believed that the true subtext of a good piece of literature should not be evident on the surface of the story. Go read Hills Like White Elephants before you continue on to the next sentence. No, you’re lying. Go read it. It will take less than 15 minutes, I swear. Just Google the title, it’s out there. Ok, did you read it? It’s about abortion! Holy crap, I know! Hemingway is so good!

Guns

“No weapon has ever settled a moral problem. It can impose a solution but it cannot guarantee it to be a just one.” – Ernest Hemingway 

During a camping episode, Tom’s poor aim leads to a bullet grazing Ron Swanson’s head.

During a depressive episode, Hemingway killed himself with a shotgun… Or did he?

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  1. Not sure who I love more- Hemingway or Ron Swanson. This was a pretty wonderful little blog. Good job!

  2. Ron actually has three ex-wives, oh that Ron!

  3. Ron Swanson is my favorite TV character. Thanks for this post!

  4. Lightbulb moment indeed.

    And thank you to the HelloGiggles ED team for having this take up your front page – because it’s just that great.
    -Nicole
    http://nicolelagreca.blogspot.com/

  5. It’s like the world makes sense now.