When I was in line at the grocery store this weekend I picked up the most recent issue of Star Magazine and thumbed through it because Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was on the cover. I hate Star Magazine. I love Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. She reminds me of my son, only opposite.
Shiloh is a girl who likes boy stuff. My son, C.J., is a boy who likes girl stuff. He’s gender nonconforming, which means he doesn’t conform to “traditional gender norms.” His sex (male or female based on what the genitalia indicates) and his gender (male or female based on what the brain indicates) aren’t in total alignment. As C.J. explains it, he’s “a boy who likes girl stuff and wants to be treated like a girl.” He’s five and a half years old and he’s been this way for more than half of his life.
Certain media outlets have chronicled Shiloh’s journey along the gender spectrum. She went from liking dolls to dinosaurs when she was two years old. That’s the age when C.J. went from liking trains to Barbies. That’s the age when parents stop selecting toys and the children start doing it for themselves. At age three, Shiloh started wearing some clothes from her brothers’ closet and C.J. started wearing my tank tops as tank dresses. A year later, when Shiloh begged for a short-cropped hairdo, C.J. wanted to grow his hair out like Rapunzel. Shiloh is sometimes mistaken for a boy (because apparently some people don’t keep up on the Brangelina brood like I do) and C.J. is sometimes mistaken for a girl. Our kids are total twin-sies, but different.
From what I can tell, Shiloh is gender nonconforming. From what I can tell Brad and Angelina are okay with it. They were the first example that I ever saw of a family raising a gender nonconforming child out in the open. If you aren’t a family like ours with a child like ours, then you have no idea how good it feels to see a family that you can relate to – especially when that family is happy, out and owning it.
Having a gender nonconforming child will never be in fashion. I don’t think that we are hipsters because we have a child who fluidly plays with gender presentation and roles and I certainly don’t think that Brad and Angelina glamorize it, but they do make it seem a little more okay, at least they do for us. They’ve taught me to be, where C.J.’s gender expression is concerned, totally unapologetic.
“We are SO Brangelina,” I’ve told my husband more than a few times.
We aren’t like Brad and Angie because we are famous, ridiculously good looking, immune to the aging process, have a mansion in France, have more money than we know what to do with or partake in philanthropy. We are like them because our child likes to wear clothes and play with toys marketed to or considered by society to be for the opposite sex.
We walk with that child, in those clothes, clutching those toys proudly, with our heads held high, not open to the negative opinions of others or judgmental looks from naysayers. Brad, Angie and Shiloh helped us to get more comfortable with doing that and we thank them for that.
Let the kid be happy and embrace what they like! I am a girl/woman who likes planes, trains and cars, and I sell heavy trucks. I have always loved being more tomboy than girly! I applaud you and Pitt-Jolie family for doing their own thing. I am married with 2 boys now, I have the best time doing “boy” things with them. As my sons says “We are all different and that is ok.” I love that I am not like all the other girls, and I am ok with kids who like something different to. The world would be pretty boring if we all did the same things.
You are an inspiration! C.J. will grow up beautifully
Stories like this make me smile so big! You and your husband sound like amazing parents, and your boy sounds independent, innocently open-minded, and like he’s comfortable with his ever-developing sense of self. Just because a child identifies with characteristics that we, as a society, recognize as gender specific, doesn’t necessarily define their future sexual orientation (though sometimes it does,) and it’s actually not that unusual. I remember loving both “girl” and “boy” things as a kid, and I still do. I wore dresses, but usually got along better with boys. (I’ve since developed wonderful friendships with women, too.) I love makeup/hair/nails as a creative outlet, but I’ve always preferred boyish haircuts. We didn’t have much money, but I longed for superhero comics, cartoons and action figures. I liked “gross” stuff, and I’ve always thought boys/men have way cooler graphic T shirt options that we do. It’s a beautiful thing to experience all aspects of life, no matter what gender/sex label society associates with them. It enables you to be more well rounded and educated, and can often help you understand the opposite sex better, whether it’s related to your own gender identity issues or not. Unfortunately, it’s much more acceptable for a girl to wear “manly” clothes or assume “manly” roles, because we call that being a “tomboy” or a “tough businesswoman.” We don’t have any positive labels associated with boys who like to do “girly” things, and that’s a shame.
Kids should be able to like kids stuff, play with kids stuff and wear whatever damn kids stuff they want! They are kids:) I’m going to let mine (Ollie & Eva) be kids for as long as I possibly can, and shame on anyone that thinks differently! More power to you CJ’s mom! As far as I’m concerned, gender should never factor into childhood. They are born with the grace and dignity not to care about that, and I’m certainly not going to be the one to ruin it!
Johanna – we are thinking the same thing. I love the article of the father who wears the skirt in support of his son. The picture that is in the article warms my heart
http://thefw.com/dad-supports-skirt-wearing-son/
Amazing article. I feel the utmost respect for your family. Virtual hug for CJ
Reminds me of this story from my country: http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/dad-protects-son-bullies-wearing-skirt-guess-works-153600107.html
Kudos to you!
Beautifully written article thanks for sharing