Big Girls Don't Cry — They Drink Fergie's Wine, Ferguson Crest Caragh Poh

Remember when The Black Eyed Peas were an underground hip hop group who were signed with Easy-E’s record label and garnered all kinds of respect, but not that much money? And then they added a blonde lady, started to use computers to sound like robot/human hybrids and lost some of their cred, but got a whole bunch of money?

Well, watch out Pinot Grigio! Because Fergie is about to Black Eyed Peas the vino market. (To “Black Eyed Peas” something is to remove the class in the name of profit.)

Fergie and her father, Pat Ferguson, or as I would like all of us to start calling him, Fergo, have somewhat recently released their new wine label, Ferguson Crest. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Fergie’s obsession with wine started at a young age, when she would sneak sips from her parents’ glasses before she even reached the double digits. This apparently was not a cause for alarm as a sign that she may have been on her way to become a budding alcoholic, which, thank God! Because if her parents had any concern at all, we wouldn’t be blessed with the finest wine some chick who peed her pants on stage had to offer. Ok — that’s mean. I once peed my pants in a McDonald’s ball pit when I was 4. Are we even, Fergie? My mom left without telling anyone who worked there. My apologies if any of you visited the McDonald’s playground in Middleboro, Massachusetts in the summer of 1991.

The grapes are grown by Fergo himself, who used to spend “hours in his garden”. In the very same sentence the article felt it appropriate to mention that Fergie’s parents are divorced. I like to imagine that there were no monetary issues, cheating from either parties, or a simple case of love lost. I like to imagine that Fergie’s mother just couldn’t play second fiddle to a vine of grapes. And now Fergie’s financial backing of the very activity that caused her parents divorce is some weird power play to get back at her mother for not letting her get a puppy when she was on Kids, Incorporated or something.

Pick up a bottle of Ferguson Crest anywhere Ferguson Crest is sold (FergusonCrest.com and a single store in LA).

Featured image via TheHollyWoodReporter

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  1. Hilariously written. I can’t wait to not buy that wine!

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