Every girl has their go-to guy, AKA their best boy friend or brother from another mother. He is straight. He is cute. He is totally platonic. You cuddle up and watch movies. You dish over nice dinners. You simultaneously write blogs side-by-side at cafes (see picture above of current blog-in-progress, plus boy-in-question). But seriously, simply sidekicks. You text each other when something is funny. And call one another when something is sad. You refer to yourselves as soul mates. Still, however it may look: homies. Although at some point – and don’t try to deny it – one of you will get that twinkle in your eye, that butterfly in your tummy, that will challenge your feelings and rock you to your compadre core – at which point begs the age old question: Can men and women be best friends? In my opinion: Yes, sort of.
I think that all of the above is attainable, perhaps just not sustainable. Eventually, one of you – or hopefully both of you – will find yourselves with a more-significant other and in my experience, this puts a natural distance between besties. Someone will feel replaced and really, they are. You can no longer lounge in bed together post-slumber party and giggle under the sheets – no matter how innocent it may be, it’s just not okay anymore. I experienced this with a former BBFF (boy BFF) and it felt like a great loss. I had more-than-friend feelings for him for five plus years and I never said a peep because I was waiting for the right time. He’s getting married this summer – but don’t worry about me, I am completely post-mourning.
When this happens, you go through various stages of being happy for him, sad for you, questioning why it wasn’t you and then wondering what if you had said something five years ago? Two years ago? Six months ago? My former BBFF and I rarely speak but remain close. It feels like we broke-up even though we didn’t really – or did we? If anything, that experience taught me to be honest and outright with my feelings as I am having them, not to wait for the so-called perfect time. This life is not The Little Mermaid, Central Park doesn’t boast a blue lagoon and besides, I don’t know any singing crabs (personally). It was that epiphany which inspired this blog yesterday and it happened while having a heart to heart with my current BBFF. “What are you afraid of? That I will meet someone else and forget about you?” he asked. I broke down in tears and nodded my head. The thing is, I want my current BBFF to love and be loved and while I pray for the best of the best for him even when it comes to finding the love of his life, I dread this day because I know it will be the end of our two straws and one milkshake sharing days. That, and sometimes I want to be the love of his life and him mine. Which begs another question: is this impending emo end of an era still worth having him as my best friend, even if there is a possible future parting? Yes, definitely.
But what about those darn feelings? What do you do with them? Where do those butterflies come from and is there some kind of digestible pesticide available over the counter? The ‘why aren’t we together’ talk also came up with my BBFF and in the spirit of my self-promise never to stow my feelings again, I bravely had to admit to him and myself that I sometimes have these feelings but would be happy either way: whether we remain besties forevs or taking things a step beyond – and I meant it. I know how lucky I am to have him as a soul mate and we do love each other… but I also know that we would be extra lucky to be soul mates and in-love with each other.
Isn’t it crazy how only a few word changes can give a whole new meaning to a sentence? I’ve lost a friend to this scenario before and I didn’t want it to happen again – and I’d rather have what we do than not have anything at all, but these feelings needed to be addressed and made aware because ‘why not’ is the new ‘what if’. It was a risky conversation because often that type of talk will add an awkward element to your friendship and you risk your story turning into When Harry Left Sally. But the bottom line is, if you start to have feelings for your BBFF – address them. Be honest, be vulnerable and be prepared for things to fall on either side of the fence. Life is too precious and too short. Plus – dramatically stopping a wedding in progress only works out in the movies.
Oh man, this blog. I feel like this is my entire life. I was totally in love with my first BBFF when I was in high school — and when I finally told him that I had feelings for him (which took forever), he told me that he was just going to pretend that I had never said anything, because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Now, he’s engaged — to a man. So, I think there was a lot of confusion in that situation.
Since then, I have had two other BBFF’s at alternating times, and sometimes I’m blown away by how coupley that we act — and then they’ll call me up and gush about some new girl that they’ve just met. At one point, one of these guys told me he liked a girl because she was ‘just like me, which is why i like her.’ I don’t know what to make of situations like that, but I know that there are situations with them that I wouldn’t change for anything, and that causes conflict.
Oh Tiffany – I am right there with you! Like my mom always tells me – it’s not right until it’s right.
I’m a little late to the party, but I can totally relate. I met my BBFF in 8th grade, after we moved to a tiny rural town in northern California. I’m not even going to pretend like I didn’t go home and announce (to my journal) that I had met the man I was going to marry. I spent a pretty good chunk of my teenage years pathetically in love with him. I always felt like we were right on the cusp of becoming more than friends, but it never seemed to happen. But he was still one of my very best friends, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Years later, we were talking about a certain streaking incident, and he offhandedly mentioned that he had been “beyond in love with me” then. I was like, seriously dude? You couldn’t have said something? But at the same time, I’m so glad he didn’t. We never would have made it as a couple, and we wouldn’t still be friends now. Today we can openly talk (and laugh) about our silly smitten selves, and I’m grateful for that. While I still occasionally feel a pang of jealousy while he fills me in on his flavor of the month, I know that I don’t want to be one of them. It’s possible to love someone without being IN love with them.
The current BBFF in my life is a guy (lets call him Eric) that I met in another country working as interns at the same establishment. We ate lunch together everyday, went on a week-long trip to Paris and London together…and countless day trips and tours, all just me and him even though we did have other friends there. He always told me I was the one who knew him best in that country, which was his way of saying that Im his best friend. I did start having feelings for him, after we spontaneously decided to take a dance lesson. (I found it quite sexy when he was leading me through the waltz…).
Anyways I FEEL there’s a possibility that Eric likes me back…Im just not sure because its taking so long. Even though there’s this steady progress of our ‘relationship.’ He’s told me his parents want to meet me and so now Im going with him to his parents house for a dinner in a week or so. Which confuses me…he’s obviously told his parents about me. Do guys do that about girls theyre just good friends with?? My doubts come from the fact that he’s never asked me on a date! Though he didnt date anyone else while we were interning. I went on a few dates with guys but couldnt stop comparing them to Eric and I made sure to let him know I wasnt serious about any of them. Everything about our relationship leads me to believe he likes me except the fact that he hasnt actually asked me out on a date. Or kissed me.
The internship just ended a couple days ago, Im back in the US, Eric arrives Friday…I have no clue how our ‘friendship relationship’ is going to translate back on this side of the world. Thankfully, he only lives 45 minutes away which means if we want, we can continue things but like I said…I just dont know…..
Brea! You are a classic case of WTF – who hasn’t been in this limbo-like situation? I don’t like telling people what they should do – but if I did.. haha okay I am totally telling you what you should do.. You’ve got to talk to him! It doesn’t have to be a whole production. Just have a casual conversation to make sure that you’re on the same page. Otherwise, you won’t know and that is just torture! You must keep us posted! Sounds like you are great friends with an awesome connection, so I have no doubt that it will be an easy convo for you. Be prepared for things to fall on either side of the fence and decide beforehand what you want from the situation – remember that it’s not all up to him. xo
you might have just given me the courage, confidence and push that I have been needing. xoxo
That’s great Alycia!! Keep us posted! It’s like ripping off a bandaid…
Great article, and I’m enjoying reading all the comments too!
I believe it’s possible to have a platonic best friend of the opposite gender, but it can’t last forever… unless both of you remain single forever. Otherwise, you’re either going to end up together, or it will end once one of you gets into a relationship with someone else. Of course in the latter case you can definitely still stay as friends, just not *best* friends anymore, because your opposite-gender-best-friend *should be* your significant other.
I agree that honesty (especially, honesty with yourself first and foremost) is the most important thing, even if it does require a lot of bravery and tact, it’s worth it in the long run. I had a boy best friend once and I did end up having feelings for him. Although he initially thought he might have feelings for me too, he eventually realized he didn’t. It broke my heart at the time, when I asked him to stop calling me every day (and all those other best-friend things he’d do for me), but I recognized it wasn’t healthy anymore because those things made me feel like he was my boyfriend, when he wasn’t. Things were awkward between us for a while, but we had a good talk about it so we remain on good terms to this day. I’m glad we were able to handle things that way and I’m lucky he was mature and gentle in dealing with the situation too. (Not all guys can be up front and understanding like that!)
Allie, it’s brave of you to acknowledge your fear that things will eventually change between you and your current boy best friend. Because it’s pretty much inevitable. Nothing lasts forever, but everything is a gift.
Your comment was an article in itself and I loved it! Also, Feanne is the coolest name ever. Thanks for the props and for sharing! xo
Sorry to hear you’re in that place, Yuritzi! My advice – it’s all about the delivery. If he’s your friend, you won’t lose him. You might be surprised how easy it is to communicate about it once you’ve opened up. But only you know what is best for you, so follow your own instincts. Don’t be scared – we got your back
completely agree…im basically going through the same thing except im really scared of vocalizing my feelings for him…is it really worth it losing his friendship in the hopes of something that may never happen? or what if he doesn’t feel the same and our friendship is forever altered because of it? :/ definitely hate this feeling.
Aaah, where were you two years ago? Two years ago I reconnected with a guy friend from when I went to school in another state, and we’ve been texting all the time and stayed really close ever since. But we had so much in common I ended up having a crush on him, and I finally told him a few months ago. I kind of wish I had read this article back when I started liking him maybe it would’ve made things easier. But then again he’s a really good friend and we wouldn’t have ended up talking nearly as much… But yeah, I really liked this article, since I could relate 100% to it. Spot on.
How can you say that hes your soul-mate if hes marring somebody else? HE is not your soul mate because your gonna find someone who is, and marry them. SO you can’t claim somebody else’s husband as YOUR soul mate.
Girls and guys can’t be just friends because it could never be platonic, you say yourself you had feelings for this guy. I would have guy friends and I would try everything to not make myself look appealing because I didn’t want that attention from them, and I was a total “bro” but they still try to make out with me, some would ask me out, and others would ask me if they ever had a chance. SO EVEN if you tape your boobs down (i never did but u get my point) ur still a girl and they are still gonna want you.
What about his girlfriend? If you had a boyfriend would you want him sharing milkshakes and giggling under covers with his “BEST FRIEND” I don’t think so.
SO if hes dating someone else GURL u need to let GO of him and be happy with someone else!
QUIT trying to make something that isn’t happening. Find somebody who is gonna make you happy.
SO lets make this a lesson and only invest time in men that have a chance.
Whoa Miss Kathryn – please re-read this article. Nobody is getting married or dating someone else. I would never promote acting inappropriately with someone who is in a relationship of any kind. But for those who do – excellent points! And taping your boobs down? Ouch!
Loved this post. I felt really identified. I first had feelings with a BBFF I met in college and like you didn’t do anything about it. Then he started dating someone and one day we had this really honest talk where i told him how I had felt. I think it wasn’t that hard beacuse I was over him. He told me that if I had confessed my feelings he would had probably asked me out… When he broke up with he’s girlfriend I was over him and kind of going out with somebody, and he started being interested in me. Then things got really weired and we would fight all the time and I don’t know why we kinda broke up our friendship… Anyway form the whole felleings +BBFF situation I promised that if it ever happened again I would cofess my feelings. And I did, this is another guy, and he didn’t feel the same way, anyway we’re still friends know, but he has a new girlfriend with whom he sprents all his time, ALL of it, so yes I don’t see him much. We talk on the phone for hours sometimes but it’s not the same.
I do have another BBFF who has always been there for me, and with whom I can talk about anything, he started a relationship with one of my GBFF, and it’s grat but when we hang out i feel like the third wheel, they tell me not to, but I’can’t help it.
This article reminds me of my BBFF. We were close for 8 years and then we went to different colleges and lost contact. I keep trying to reconnect with him but he never responds to me. I don’t know what happened. It’s difficult talking to him about it because he knew that liked him and still thinks that I have feelings for him which is not the case. We had some great times together. I could tell him anything without being judged. We somehow lost our way…and its hard to reconnect. I miss the good old days we had together. We’re two different people now…we’re not thirteen anymore. I wish we could just be friends again but it seems like he has no interest. It’s upsetting because he was the best guy friend I ever had
Oh Angelica – your comment made me flip my lip. Seriously, it’s still flipped. You never know what people are going through: don’t take it personally if he doesn’t want to reconnect. It’s so cliche but so true that sometimes people are in your life for a reason or a season. If I were you, I’d just be fond of the times you shared, consider it a great run and allow yourself to move past it and be present. I bet he was the best, but there are so many awesome people out there – instead of looking to the past, maybe try embracing what’s ahead. Sometimes the only vintage worth keeping around can be worn
xo
My husband is BBFF, and I fully believe one should be best buds with the one they choose to spend their life with, otherwise how can it last…. You can’t only love the person you marry, you have to like them too.
And, Allie, I agree with you about romantic relationships replacing friendships. Sure, you can have a boyfriend and a boy best friend, but the jealousy thing could definitely be an issue. For instance, I have no problem with my husband having female friends, but it would get weird for me if they were “best friends” (that’s my job!), especially if I wasn’t at all close with the girl. And vice versa, I wouldn’t feel cool sharing those best friend moments with another dude besides my hubby.
Ladies! I love all of your comments and I especially love that this topic has stirred up some important conversation. I feel like we are sitting in Renee Zellweger’s living room circa Jerry Maguire. Am I right? Who brought the artichoke dip? Keep it positive and constructive… xo
You can, that is, until you cross the friendship line. After that, it’s a crapshoot.
When I met my bestie I had a crush on him, and so did a girl friend of mine. Instead of getting weird and fighting about it, we made a deal: we both went out for drinks with him and a few other friends, and we’d both try & whoever he went for, the other would be happy for them. He chose her, that adorable little red-head. But it was actually a good thing. We’re best friends now, he and I. He and I are WAY too similar to ever have a healthy relationship like that. He’s the male version of me, and I’m the female version of him. He knows exactly what goes on in my head, and knows exactly what I mean when I can’t form the words. I go to him for advice, send him stupid texts, and best of all, because I’m also good friends with the adorable red-head he’s still dating, things aren’t weird. He’ll be all dressed up and standing next to all my other bridesmaids when I find someone someday, because he is no different from my girl friends. I will say that we never cuddled, or anything like that. I hate hugs anyway. And he knows that. Which is why he’s awesome. I don’t necessarily believe you can’t get over the “having feelings” portion of a guy-girl bestie relationship. I totally agree you just have to be honest and if it happens early on it’s much easier. He knows the whole story of what happened that fateful night for drinks, and we laugh about it now. Because him and I dating? Ridiculous.
Bah! Dani – no, no.. Lindsay is going to find the non-hugging, non-ridiculous love of her life and it’s going to be awesome – just like her attitude xo
I don’t mean to be rude, but you should be marrying him. That is the person you should grow old with. Don’t live in denial.
I LOVE this post! I totally agree with Teresa. I currently have a BBFF that I love dearly and I know that I can go to him for concrete advice without the emotions. Recently, something happened between us ( I won’t speak of it on here) that got very confusing for me and I decided that I needed to reevaluate my friendship with him. That being said, I understand the whole having feelings for your BBFF. What I learned from this experience is that you just have to let things go their own way. If he or you end up finding others, instead of being jealous focus on being happy for each other. I almost lost my BBFF over something so trivial and during my reevaluation process I realized that I couldn’t let that happen. I knew if I let go of him I would not find someone like him again. So, cherish the friendship that you have no matter what the situation ends up being in the future.
BBFFs are some of the most difficult relationships, however I really truely believe that we can get lucky and just find a guy who can be your BBFF. Mine is Andy. He’s awesome. And honestly, both of us are so grossed out at the thought of liking each other. It’d be like having a crush on your brother. Currently.. and reluctantly, I find myself in the typical fall for your bbff situation (not with Andy.. with a different guy). We talked. It sucks. But you either suck it up and stay friends through the awkward or you cut ties. I’m not a fan of the latter. Its a dangerous situation, and you have to be careful… but in the long run, you need to do what’s right for you in that specific relationship.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m still trying to decide. I do know one thing though, if you find a good BBFF, treasure that relationship. They’re hard to come by
I definitely agree with you re: being honest about your feelings, because all the potential trouble with a relationship like this comes when people hold in what they feel instead of just being honest. I’m still friends with my first (and only, really) BBFF, which proves that the friendship was worth keeping, as it’s a strong one that can withstand just about anything thrown at it. We’ve been friends for eight years. About two months into our friendship, after we got close really fast, I confessed my feelings. He very gently turned me down – he just didn’t see me that way.
About a year later, I revisited, as we were both still single and I was like, “Hey, maybe things have changed?” They hadn’t. Then, he started dating steadily, and I wasn’t, and that made things a bit awkward for a long time, my underlying feelings coloring every interaction we had. He kept feeling that pressure, which colored his reactions to things, and there was a point when we were always arguing about tiny, insignificant things, when what we were really responding to were these still-unresolved feelings. But then, we finally had a very necessary knock-down, drag-out, once-and-for-all discussion about it, and it basically came down to him feeling punished for not returning my feelings, and me feeling punished for having them, and we realized that neither one of us wanted to punish the other. It was just unfortunate that he couldn’t feel for me what I felt for him. But it was one of the best, most honest conversations we’ve ever had, and ever since then, we’ve become even better friends. Today, I’m genuinely happy when he finds other women he likes, and he gives me love advice. While I still find him attractive, I can laugh at ever having thought we’d be a successful couple (chances are, had we gotten together, we would’ve broken up a couple of years in!), because I’ve gotten to know him intimately for years, and you know what? Um, no.
He’s totally going to be a “bridesmaid” in my wedding when I do walk down the aisle, wearing a kilt in my bridal colors, and it will be totally rad. 
Sounds like an awesome thing you have going on, Teresa! Virtual high five xo
I almost married my BBFF, then we broke up. After nearly a year of radio silence, we reconnected, talked it out, and have slowly become good friends again. The fact that we live 500 miles apart makes the whole “pursuing relationships with others” part easier. Still a little weird sometimes, but easier. We talk on the phone once a week – I read his grad school papers, he talks me through anxiety attacks, and we catch a movie every time I’m visiting home. We’ve known each other for more than twelve years now and I’m grateful to still have him in my life.
I’m excited for the upcoming movie “Celeste and Jesse Forever,” which deals with a story that sounds similar to mine. I’m excited to see how the Bizarro “When Harry Met Sally” story works out.
Thanks for sharing, Jessica! I will check out that movie.. Find comfort in fate and that whatever is meant to be will be. xo
I’m sorry but I have to disagree with this. Being in a relationship like that with someone isn’t healthy and ISN’T worth it. That’s what girl friends are for. You’re going to continue putting yourself in this position, spending years on a guy that doesn’t want to be with you instead of trying to find one that does. If you’re not dating, acting like you are, no matter how “good” that feels, is a BAD idea. I think it’s good that you’ve decided to express your feelings early on now, but if he doesn’t feel the same way.. on to the next one.
Stephanie you are 100% right and I agree with you whole heartedly.. Sometimes we have a clashing contradiction with our heart and our brain, which makes it hard to make the best decisions. You’re a smart chickie! xo
I don’t know about that. Having a really close BBFF provides something that your girl friends don’t – a male perspective – which is hugely valuable in its own right. When I want to vent, and am not really seeking advice, but just want to talk through a situation, I go to my girl friends and we pow-wow. But when I want a concrete solution and to not get emotional about something, I go to my BBFF, and he talks it through with me in a way that gets to the heart of what I need, because he knows me so well, without the rigamarole and crying.
I think the big “problem” with a relationship like this is when someone he’s in a relationship with, or I am, feels “threatened” by our friendship. The thing is, there’s nothing to be threatened about! Clearly, there’s a REASON why we haven’t gotten together, and if the person who’s in a relationship with either one of us can’t be secure in that relationship and feels constantly threatened by a friendship, just because it happens to be with someone of the opposite gender, then that signals insecurity on THEIR part. And that’s for them to work on. But no significant other should be able to dictate the gender of a person’s friends, and if they try – that’s a red flag to me.