We just love ’90s songs, don’t we? And as good as some of those songs were, as with any decade there were some truly bad ones. Some of them are so bad that they’re good. Others, not so much. I present to you my favorite bad ’90s songs. Please note that The Macarena is a given so it isn’t on this list. And ‘The Thong Song’ would be, but it came out in 2000. “Dumps like a truck, truck, truck.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald.
10. ‘Mmmbop’, Hanson (1997). By the tail end of the ’90s, it was a given that this song was widely hated and yet loved. Hanson embraced this in a sketch they performed in on SNL in which they are trapped in an elevator while their song is playing and they lose their minds. I think Jodie Foster hosted this episode but who can remember. I could easily look this up on the computer. I’m not going to, because life is better with mystery. Speaking of which:
Plant a seed plant a flower plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows.
It’s a secret no one knows.
Actually I’m pretty sure people do know how to plant flowers and that it isn’t a secret, you golden haired brothers of yore. If you go to OSH they would be happy to tell you.
9. ‘Fly Away’, Lenny Kravitz (1998).
I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high.
Just like a dragonfly.
Good luck with that, Lenny. This song is so simple it’s maddening. Especially since he frequently rhymes “away” with “away”. I think that’s cheating, but what do I know? I’m not a legendary rock star like Lenny Kravitz.
8. ‘Blue (Ba Da Dee)’, Eiffel 65 (1998).
I mean really, this song is just straight up stupid. These electronic European sounding robots want everything to be blue. But unlike The Stones, who want to paint everything black, these emotionless wonders give us fine lyrics like:
I’m blue ba da dee da ba di
Ba da dee da ba di
Ba da dee da ba di
7. ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s', Deep Blue Something (1995).
Everything about this band is indecisive and plain. Their band name. Picture it. There’s four guys, or five guys, I don’t even know, and they’re all siting around a coffee table smoking and one of them says, “Guys, seriously, we need a band name” and one of them is wearing a beanie and says, “I got it — DEEP BLUE! DEEP BLUE. DEEP BLUE…something, I don’t know, we’ll come up with it later.” Then the manager calls a few days later saying, “Boys, pack your bags, we’re going to Austin to play a big show!” And they cheer and they get there and they realize, “Oh damn, we forgot to fill in the ‘something’ in our name. Crap, let’s go with it, who cares, Nirvana is crushing everyone anyway.”
So then we get this:
And I said, what about, Breakfast at Tiffany’s
She said I think I remember the film
And as I recall I think we both kinda liked it.
Kinda. They both kinda liked it. They think. And I think this was a very early AOL chatroom conversation that some guy from Deep Blue Something turned into song lyrics.
6. ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It’, Will Smith (1998).
The whole song is one giant lulzfest. Remember the little jiggy dance? Were we supposed to do that? Was that supposed to be a thing?
Now honey honey come ride
DKNY all up in my eye.
You gotta Prada bag with a lotta stuff in it.
Okay, first of all, LOL at DKNY. Way to date your song, bro. Not that it wouldn’t be dated, anyway. Did he really think any young women would wear DKNY in a club? One thing he’s sure of though is that women carry Prada bags with a lotta stuff in them. He’s not wrong, we carry a lotta stuff in our bags. That Will Smith knows the ladies! Probably because he chills out max and relaxes all cool. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song was the best thing he ever did. That and the line, “WELCOME TO EARTH!”
5. ‘Ice Ice Baby’, Vanilla Ice (1990).
Oh Mr. Ice, did you really think you could steal David Bowie and Queen’s song and not get caught? That’s adorable. Also, you look like a Ken Doll with Sonic the Hedgehog hair, and that is also adorable.
Bum rush the speaker that booms
I’m killin’ your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony.
The melody is indeed “dope” probably because you stole it.
Nothing I say about the song could do the video justice. Please watch this. Gather your family, friends, and coworkers around and watch this.
4. ‘Nookie’, Limp Bizkit (1999).
This band exists.
I did it all for the nookie.
C’mon. The nookie.
The nookie. C’mon.
So you can take that cookie
and stick it up your yeah!!!
Stick it up my yeah? You guys use “the F word” in the first verse but “ass” is going too far? I don’t understand – you all wear your baseball caps sideways, you give off the impression that you are really tough and should not be dealt with. But I guess everyone has their limit. And yours is ass. Asshats.
3. ‘Lonely Swedish (The Bum Bum Song)’, Tom Green (1999).
Some say that Tom Green was before our time but I don’t think the future wants him. In this lyrical masterpiece, Mr. Green laments the misfortune of having “poo” on his “bum.” “I gotta get the poo off my bum!” he wails and I think we all understand that it’s clearly an allegory for world hunger. Deep down we all just want the poo off our collective bum.
My bum is on the ship
I hope they don’t shoot the cannon in my bum
I’d shoot poo all over the place
Mr. Green also sings about putting his bum on “The Swedish” and I think we all know what that means. It’s definitely a political statement of some kind.
2. ‘The Bad Touch’, Bloodhound Gang (1999).
“The what?” You’re asking. It’s this one:
You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals
So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
I think some of the lyrics are actually very clever. I can’t tell you which ones, because they’re inappropriate. Let’s just say they have to do with making love in a fashion in which you and your partner can both partake in a viewing of the ’90s sic fi drama about FBI investigators and aliens. The name of the album on which this song appears is Hooray For Boobies. I think that says it all.
1. ‘Summer Girls’, L.F.O aka Lyte Funkie Ones (1999).
This is easily the stupidest song of the ’90s. And I don’t say this to be cruel, nay, I say this in the spirit of gleeful celebration. This song is incredibly and wonderfully stupid. Let’s take a deeper look:
I like it when the girls stop by in the summer. Do you remember?
Do you remember?
I just said yes.
When we met, last summer.
Yeah, I get it.
New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits
Ha, yeah, I remember
Chinese food makes me sick
Uh, okay, I wasn’t going to offer you any…I don’t have any Chinese Food here.
And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer. I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
I don’t really shop their stores anymore, they’re kind of overpriced and–
I’d take her if I had one wish.
But she’s been gone since that summer. Since that summer.
I’m right here, who are you talking about?
Hip hop marmalade spic and span
Met you one summer and it all began. You’re the best girl that I ever did see
Aww, thanks baby. You’re so sweet I–
The great Larry Bird jersey 33.
…yeah…I guess that’s his number…I wouldn’t know…
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet. Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets.
Well he did more than that he–
Call me Willy Whistle ’cause I can’t speak baby. Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy.
That sounds sweet but also menacing, can we talk about this?
Now I can’t forget you and it makes me mad.
Left one day and never came back
I’m right here actually.
Stayed all summer then went back home
Can we just get back to–
Macauly Culkin was in Home Alone.
Uh. Yes. Yes he was. But I don’t see what–
Fell deep in love but now we ain’t speakin’
Wait we’re not? Are you breaking up with me?
Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton.
Yes, he was, and I agree that Michael J. Fox is an underrated actor, but are you breaking up with me, I don’t understand, I–
When I met you I said my name was Rich
It still is, right?
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.
Rich, please, can we talk about our relationship? I’m getting mixed signals.
Cherry Pez cold crush rock star boogie
Like that, that right there. Rich, I don’t know what that means–
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie.
Always been hip to the B-Boy style. Known to act wild and make girls smile.
See I really don’t appreciate you constantly mentioning other girls.
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl. Remind me of you because you rock my world.
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow. They drink lemonade and speak real slow.
Uh no actually I’m from Los Angeles, do you even know me?
You love hip hop and rock ‘n’ roll
Hip hop is okay, I guess. I much prefer rock ‘n’ roll and–
Dad took off when you were four years old.
Jesus, Rich! Why would you bring that up? That was a really painful time in my life! I told you that I don’t like talking about my childhood.
There was a good man named Paul Revere. I feel much better baby when you’re near.
That’s a confusing and crappy apology.
You love fun dip and Cherry Coke. I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke.
I’m laughing at you, not with you, Rich.
When I met you I said my name was Rich
Yes, I know, and I look like a girl from blah blah New Kids on the Block etc can we please talk about something real?
In the summertime girls got it going on. Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song.
Rich you’re disgusting.
Summertime girls are the kind I like. I’ll steal your honey like I stole your bike.
Is that what happened to my bike?? You stole my bike?? You jerk! You could have just asked to borrow it.
Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
Rich, wait, what happened to my bike? Can I have it back?
My mind takes me back there oh so quick. Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Who? Rich, please, be serious.
Think about that summer and I bug, ’cause I miss it.
I understand, baby, I do too. We were brand new and it was so much fun. But we’re going to get through this. I believe in us. Do you?
I like the color purple, macaroni and cheese.
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
WHY WON’T YOU JUST TALK TO ME??
Call you up but what’s the use
There’s a lot of use in doing that, we don’t talk enough–
I like Kevin Bacon but I hate “Footloose.”
Yes, I know, you tell me all the time, you told me an hour ago, and I didn’t even ask. What are you really thinking right now?
Came in the door, I said it before, I think I’m over you but I’m really not sure.
What?? Okay I guess this means you broke up with me? Hello?
When I met you I said my name was Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.
What are your favorite bad ’90s songs? There are no wrong answers!