Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Best Break Up Movies

Much like Jess from Fox’s The New Girl, one of our new fictional BFFs here at HelloGiggles, we can’t imagine a better way to wallow in post-break-up sorrow than watching some of our favourite movies about romance gone bad. While Jess’s personal jam is Dirty Dancing, there’s no shortage of films that’ll get the waterworks going.

“And everybody hurts… sometimes,” laments R.E.M. Break-ups suck, but we got your back. Get in your snuggie, snuggle up on the couch with your Pirates Booty and get your Netflix password ready and laugh (or cry, whatever works for you) with these break-up movies. To quote Michael Jackson, “You are not alone.” And to quote Kelly Clarkson, “I’m so moving on.” 

Also, you’re not going to see that Vince Vaughn/Jennifer Aniston abomination on this list.

10. Legally Blonde. “Going to Harvard is the only way I’m going to get the love of my life back.” Oh, girl. Spurned by her J. Crew boyfriend, Elle Woods can’t move on, so she follows him to Harvard Law school. She gets in! The things we do for love, right? My favorite part is when Elle is watching a romance film on TV and the lead actor says something like, “I’ll always love you” and Elle shouts, “LIAR!” and hurls her box of truffles at the TV. I’ve been there. Except I would never waste delicious truffles. I’d throw them in my mouth before I threw them at the TV. TV can’t appreciate the smooth taste of dark chocolate ganache. Now I’m just mad.

At Harvard you can smell the entitlement!

9. Something’s Gotta Give. Hey, old people break up too! And they get sad and everything! Diane Keaton is really good at crying and throwing tissues around like confetti. Keanu Reeves plays a doctor which is the most laugh out loud moment in the entire film. I love a good goof! When Diane Keaton’s daughter, played by Amanda Peet, asks her mom why she’s crying all the time, she responds sarcastically, “I’m in love. Ain’t it great?” We’ve been there, right? And if you haven’t been there, you’re going to be there one day. Everyone takes a ride on this train. Or subway car, or however people travel nowadays. Jack Nicholson!

This should have been the poster.

 8. Sex and the City (the movie). Let’s all calm down right now before we continue. Die hard fans are split down the middle on whether or not this movie should even exist, let alone whether it’s good. But when Big leaves Carrie at the altar, so to speak, it’s so brutal and she’s so wrecked that you feel like you were the one who was broken up with. She doesn’t eat, she sleeps all the time, she dyes her hair and after seeing all the voicemails Big left, she even hurls her cell phone into the ocean. Thankfully she has her friends to lean on, as well as Jennifer Hudson for some reason. As Carrie goes through the break-up stages, she hits that one phase where, “I thought I’d still be in extreme pain. But I feel nothing.” And she thought the post-it break-up was bad. This would be higher on the list if not for the scene where Charlotte pooped her pants.

How am I going to endure this 5 star Mexican resort?

7. Misery. Oh man, worst break up of all time! All Kathy Bates wants is to keep James Caan captive but all he wants is to escape! Love is so tricky. It’s just so hard to have a relationship when one person wants to leave. Thankfully our dear Kathy Bates was smart enough to tie James Caan to a bed and break his ankles. Love is pain!

“Think of it as a Snuggie.”

6. Annie Hall. Woody Allen suffers for us so we don’t have to. Annie Hall is a quieter, more realistic comedy unlike romcoms of today where Katherine Heigl is caught up in wacky hijinks and we have to wait until the end of the movie for her to realize that her cute co-star was the one she wanted all along! “We need the eggs” is my all time favorite reason for why we do this to ourselves, why we fall in love and get hurt and do it all over again. Watch the movie to understand what it means. If anything, watch it for the cameo by Christopher Walken in his creepiest role ever (and that’s saying something, right?) and Jeff Golblum’s film debut who, with one line, manages to establish one of the greatest movie characters ever. The writing captures love and breakups perfectly: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.” I’m seeing the inspiration for Chandler Bing right here.

Nothing cheers up a date like a dark Swedish film.

5. The Wedding Singer. It’s not just ladies who have a hard time dealing with a break up. Adam Sandler’s adorable Robbie character lets us know that hey, sometimes wedding singers go ballistic and sing ‘Love Stinks’ at a wedding reception and the wedding party is just going to have to deal with it because screw them, those happy jerks. He shows us that sometimes it’s hard to be eloquent and understanding in a break up, like when he tells his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, “Hey, psycho – we’re not gonna discuss this, okay, it’s over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.” But an hour and fifteen minutes or so later, he gets an ego boost from Billy Idol and sings the sweetest swooniest song to Drew Barrymore. Those happy jerks.

This is the face I make while driving. And eating. And when I’m happy.

4. The First Wives Club. Diane Keaton, what are you doing on the list again? Why are you so good at getting dumped? Get it together! She joins Goldie Hawn and Bette Midler to make up the trio of wives abandoned by their husbands for younger women. You can imagine the hilarity that these ladies fall into, like a stooge falling into a cake! But Ivana Trump makes an “Oh no she didn’t”-type cameo when she advises, “Don’t get mad. Get everything!” I don’t think she actually got everything from Trump, but this is movie life! Anything goes in movie life. Like Keanu Reeves being a doctor.



3. When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan is just really good at crying. WHMS is a great film about friendship and love and Carrie Fisher not being Princess Leia, but most of all it captures the heartache of being broken up with, not just from Ryan’s perspective but from Billy Crystal’s perpsective as well. Twofer! For those cynical about love due to break ups of yore, Billy Crystal gets it. As he watches ex Princess Leia move in with her new boyfriend (played by Bruno Kirby) and unpacking, he bitterly shouts, “Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you’re gonna be screaming at each other about who’s gonna get [picks up a random item in a box] this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That’s Mine, This Is Yours.” That’s the spirit, buddy! Also Meg Ryan cries some more.

“I’m adorable!”

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. After a break-up, all you have is this big mess of memories and reminders and things, just little objects you gave each other and now in this stupid age we have to deal with Facebook photos. This movie premise is perfect: what if we could just erase all of that from our brains? Give it all up physically and mentally. If you could, would you? How do you go from, “I could die right now, Clem. I’m just happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be” to “I’m f***ing crawling out of my skin. I should’ve left you at the flea market”? Have you ever wondered how that happens? Real talk, this movie always makes me cry. I need more hobbies.

“I lost my MacBook power cord.”

1. The Way We Were. Stop it. Stop laughing at me. I know this is cliche. But Carrie Bradshaw loves it! And if a fictional character from an HBO show loves it, then why shouldn’t you? Think about it. Real logic there. Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand break up and get together and then she tells him, “Your girl is lovely, Hubble.” Really good fashion in this movie, too, and Robert Redford looks like Brad Pitt twelve years ago but even better. This is the ultimate break up movie. This is the movie that makes you cry and sing along drunkenly to the end credits: “Memories…in the corners of my mind…happywaterfshahgds memories…oftheway we weeeeere.” And this is a great quote that you can throw at the person who breaks up with you: “You’ll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much!”

“Just kidding Hubble, your girl sucks.”

What movies do you like to watch to get you through this difficult time?

The New Girl premieres on Fox on Tuesday, September 20.

All images mostly from fanpop with one from fanpix and one from filmbalaya.

Sponsored by: Fox Broadcasting Company

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