At some point last year, I became obsessed with the concept of adulthood, mostly because I have no idea how to be an adult. I don’t mean this in a cutesy adorable way. I mean it in this way where I am actually embarrassed about my inability to function on a day-to-day basis or relate to any of my coworkers despite being roughly the same age. You know those stock photos of children doing things like typing on a computer or sitting in the driver’s seat? That’s how I feel every day. Like a child who is playing dress-up while banging on a keyboard and screaming, “PLEASE ACCEPT ME AS ONE OF YOU” to every grown-up I pass.
A few months ago, I ended up at a wine tasting where everyone there were, well, real people. They had jobs and business cards and said things like “I’m going to go network for a bit” whereas I was an unemployed twenty-two year old who pre-gamed for a free wine tasting. I drank the wine they gave me, and then the wine they didn’t give me, and then I was telling all of these strangers that I was a “professional adult” for a living. They were not impressed. They walked away. But I left with two bottles of Chardonnay.
So somehow I became fascinated with what my mind decides is adult behavior. This past winter, I finally bought a winter coat and wore it when it snowed instead of constantly shivering and I thought, “Yeah! This is what adults do! When it’s cold, they wear coats specifically made for cold weather! Everyone passing by right now knows that I am a grown-up because I have a weather-appropriate coat and I bet they also know that I took vitamins this morning and that there is not a single beer in my purse. They are going to invite me over to a dinner party because they are interested in my thoughts on the financial crisis.” I’ve still never been to a dinner party, but I do take vitamins every once in a while.
And I made list of when I will eventually start feeling like a real adult person:
- When I start buying drinks at bars instead of sneaking in water bottles full of wine and stealthily drinking them in a corner booth.
- When I stop keeping a room full of my possessions in my parents’ house, despite moving out years ago.
- When I pay my phone bill on time at least two months in a row.
- When I stop auditioning for The Real World.
- When I can take a taxi home without feeling so guilty about spending money that I can’t get out of bed the next morning.
- When I stop becoming emotionally invested in episodes of Degrassi or at least stop writing so much about it. (This will never happen)
- When I learn how to shave my legs without clumsily slicing myself up or at least remember to shave both of them before leaving the shower.
- When I decide what I want to do as a career or at least buy a desk for my bedroom so I can sit up straight while job hunting.
- When I start paying for television and movies instead of relying on torrents for everything.
- When I stop obsessing and blogging about what it means to be an adult.
Featured Image via DeviantArt