It can’t just be me who’s one, right? Tell me some of you guys are Hypos, too. Otherwise, well … I’ll worry.
But look, if Deepak Chopra and Justin Bieber have taught us anything, it’s to be positive. And date Selena Gomez. So, in keeping with being positive (Because dating Selena Gomez is out of the question for me. It’s not so much that she’s too young for me or dating Bieber, it’s more that she’s a wizard and that worries me), I’ve decided that being a Hypochondriac is sexy.
It’s got this Next-Big-Thing-After-Twilight vibe about it. In fact, it’s even cooler than those Twilight kids. Sure, they can fly. Or speed leap, or whatever it is that they do (Team Jacob). But Hypochondriacs occasionally feel like we’re sort of flying from a little vertigo. Which is way more interesting. We’ve got layers, man.
Whenever I go to take a pill (even an adorable Sudafed), I have to walk around and then hit the wall with a dishtowel at the exact moment that I swallow. It’s to distract myself from the swallow moment. I think people who take a pill while they’re stationary are pretty boring. Who’d wanna date that person? Paging the Opposite Of Sexy.
Although I like to eat pretty much everything, including shrimp, crab, and lobster, I have recently stopped as I feel like I’m suddenly allergic to them. Nothing happened to suggest this. Unless you count some sort of Jewish guilt. This makes me slightly closer to being Vegan and therefore way hotter. At least in Los Angeles.
I’ve definitely inherited this sexiness. My mother is even more of a Hypochondriac than me and my grandmother is the “Oh, Captain, my Captain” of it all. It’s like, sometimes I think that I worry too much and then I remember that my grandmother rinses off raisins and I’m like, “I’m good.”
Hey, does anyone out there ever do that thing when you feel like your throat is maybe closing so you shine a flashlight down your throat while looking in the bathroom mirror? And then your trachea (can’t be the right area I’m referencing, but it’s my favorite throat-based word) seems pretty wide open and you’re relieved? There’s no way I’m the only one pulling that move! I mean this is Sexy 101 and I’m taking you to school. Holla?
I’m actually starting to question blogging about how being a Hypochondriac is sexy. Because now I’m going to have to deal with a whole lot of getting hit on. ”Hey, Jill! Lemme come over and watch you take an Advil!” You guys, there’s Ryan Reynolds, there’s Mila Kunis and then there’s me and my flashlight. This sh*t is on.
Um, does anyone else feel like they might be coming down with something, or is it just me?
Featured Image: Brian Cronin for TIME