When it comes to investing my time, I am the stingiest little biotch you’ll ever meet. I only have a few close friends, because if someone has dodgy character or doesn’t appreciate my passion for soft cheeses, I immediately declare that person a WOT (waste o’time). Boyfriends are no exception. Even though I’m now happily married, I’m still proud of every guy I ever deemed worthy to be Keri’s Boyfriend, because they were all great men with big hearts who truly loved and supported me. (Even the ones who dumped me!) So when those relationships ended, you best believe I cashed in all that invested time and refurbished that ‘ish into a friendship.
Salvaging a friendship from a failed relationship sounds mostly impossible because ex-boyfriends are generally viewed as a crappy headache best forgotten. But not all relationships end with betrayal, and not all ex-boyfriends are monsters. Just because an otherwise smart and caring individual decided he didn’t want to marry and crap out kids with you, doesn’t mean he should be discarded on the side of the road.
Ex-boyfriends can be huge allies in life because they get to know you in ways most people don’t. All those date nights, lazy Sundays, and weekend trips, you were building a deep connection with another soul that was probably the most profound relationship in your life during that period. Turning that intimate connection into a friendly one isn’t easy, but there are a few rules that make it easier:
1. Make Sure He’s Worth It!
Let’s get one thing straight from the jump: Not all exes are worthy of your friendship. If he’s a cheater/liar/Beyonce-hater, then maybe he should stay a bad memory or lesson learned. Some relationships simply don’t work out, and there’s no one to blame. If your ex truly loved you, then he will always want what is best for you, just like you will always want what’s best for him. And isn’t that a great foundation for a friendship?
I was dumped HARD when I decided to move to Los Angeles, and I cried about my ex everyday for at least four months. The saddest part was losing a person that had been my emotional frontline for almost three years, so never talking to him again wasn’t the right choice for me. I found a way to reintroduce him into my life as a friend about a year later, because a truly good person is worth overcoming emotional hurdles to keep around.
2. Give That Wound Some Time To Heal
The most common mistake people make is trying to re-establish a friendship when they’re still harbouring romantic feelings. We’ve all heard variations of the rule that it takes a week for every month you were with someone to really get over them, which I’ve found to be true! Depending on which ex I’m talking about, it’s taken anywhere from a few months to a few years to really feel like I had healed. Seeing an ex before you’re ready is THE WORST, so the longer you put it off, the better. Don’t worry about “waiting too long” – the deader your romantic feelings are, the better chance your friendship will have at surviving.
3. Be Mindful of His Feelings, Too
Maybe you were the one that broke his little heart, or maybe he dumped you but it was the hardest decision of his life. You won’t be the only one that is navigating emotional land mines, and regardless of who ended the relationship, it’s easy for both people to get jealous or confused. Start slow when dishing the details of your new crush or boyfriend. Give him the chance to get comfortable with you in a better place without him. Friendships are about striking a balance of needs and wants between two people, so remind yourself that being his friend means taking his emotions into consideration.