This column always seems to include some harsh overtones of my poor command of finance, so in keeping with tradition, my rent was due today. Between that and the fact that I’m slowly realizing that one day when my future child asks where the hell his or her trust fund is and all I’m going to be able to do is gesture to my overflowing vanity table, it’s time to hit the brakes on living beyond my means. Just for this week, I mean — I really don’t think my kid needs a trust fund. Furthermore, how can I really be expected to budget around someone I haven’t even met yet? I might not even like them.
Anyway, in the interest of being frugal, have you ever heard of the brand E.L.F.? It’s short for “eyes, lips, face,” which, I know — very inspired — but that isn’t what’s important. What’s important is that you can get your eyes, lips, and face in check for five dollars.
Don’t I look great and summery? Maybe it’s because I’m sweating.
Let’s break this down:
Unlike other inexpensive brands that, upon application, cause you to really squint in the mirror and try to figure out if there’s any difference in your appearance, this stuff pretty legit. It’s subtle, but you can build it up with a few moments of dedication. I think I look like someone just slapped me, which is exactly the look I was going for.
I don’t know what I really expected for $1, but I really struggled with this and I’ve been wearing liquid eyeliner almost daily for the past four years. The brush is weird and the formula is weird and the end result is that I look weird. Buy a soda instead.
Buying a new lipstick really causes my already off-the-charts anxiety to swell. There are just so many variables against you when it comes to lipstick that once you find something that works, it’s hard to want to stray away from it. I know this sounds really derisive — lipstick is so serious, you guys — but it really is. I was more than skeptical when I picked this one out, but this lipstick is seriously awesome. It’s creamy and natural-looking, so you can definitely wear it during the day if you approach lipstick situations with hesitation, or at night if you want to get theatrical with your eyes. I imagine it also works if you’re sitting poolside and want to go for that elusive effortless look. I can even see it being great on a first date if you want to look like you tried, but you didn’t try, you know?
Overall, I like E.L.F. and I think they should hire me as their new spokesperson. I’m ready to move past the fact that I trashed their eyeliner if they are.