Bad Neighbor

My friends often tell me that the degree to which little things eat away at my soul is not normal. The roof can cave in and I may shrug my shoulders, but my new neighbor parks on a slant and I want to take a baseball bat to her windshield. I should, because she wouldn’t care or even notice. She drives around with a missing side view mirror with the holder thingy broken and the wires hanging out. Then she has the nerve to park her vehicle with the missing organs next to mine, with its huge rear taking up several feet of my own designated space.

While it is true that I have the tendency to feign manic outbursts over most things that don’t matter, I actually gave New Neighbor a chance. I invited New Neighbor to join me in painting the town. She accepted and her excitement really shone through her parking job that evening. A third of her vehicle in her space, a third on the lawn and the rest in my space; tires turned to the right, not even bothering to straighten the wheel. I gave her a free pass only because I was hanging out with her that evening. I put on my best “We are going to be the best of friends” face.

This is how the evening went:

At 9:30pm she knocked on my door and asked, “Candice, do you have any liquor? I want to pre-drink.” She had a guy with her and I let them mooch on my booze. She left and returned at 11:00 asking who was driving. I assumed she would since I’d offered the pre-drinks, but I was wrong.

We arrived to the bar by midnight, and New Neighbor disappeared leaving me with her male friend who thought it was appropriate to point out that my sexiness had really turned him on. Luckily for me, my BFF’s uncle is the owner of he bar so drinks cost next to nothing for me. I resolved to downing as many shots as $20 could buy with that best friend discount. Within a half hour, I was wasted, about to hurl, and ready to go home. This guy assumed this was his chance with me, so he offered to be my escort. “Perfect,” I thought. He could just safely drive us back.

At home, I got into bed and New Neighbor’s friend tried to join me. After yelling at him to get the heck away from me, I showed him the way out and locked my door.

At 6:30 the next morning, I needed to go outside for some fresh air and stopped dead in my tracks as I witnessed the guy sleeping in the hallway of my condo’s common area. I quietly shut the door, laughed and snorted a few times, and went back to bed.

I checked a gain a couple of hours later only to find that he was looking very comfy curled up in a fetal position next to the brick wall with an imprint on his left cheek. The least I could have done was offer a pillow, but I didn’t care enough.

Needless to say, New Neighbor didn’t make it home that night and I was utterly delighted for another excuse to dislike her. Bad drivers are not my thang as it is. Later that day, New Neighbor knocked on my door to tell me that she was not mad at me for leaving her at the bar. What a relief!

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