HOW TOs Bad Neighbor Candice Sesi

My friends often tell me that the degree to which little things eat away at my soul is not normal. The roof can cave in and I may shrug my shoulders, but my new neighbor parks on a slant and I want to take a baseball bat to her windshield. I should, because she wouldn’t care or even notice. She drives around with a missing side view mirror with the holder thingy broken and the wires hanging out. Then she has the nerve to park her vehicle with the missing organs next to mine, with its huge rear taking up several feet of my own designated space.

While it is true that I have the tendency to feign manic outbursts over most things that don’t matter, I actually gave New Neighbor a chance. I invited New Neighbor to join me in painting the town. She accepted and her excitement really shone through her parking job that evening. A third of her vehicle in her space, a third on the lawn and the rest in my space; tires turned to the right, not even bothering to straighten the wheel. I gave her a free pass only because I was hanging out with her that evening. I put on my best “We are going to be the best of friends” face.

This is how the evening went:

At 9:30pm she knocked on my door and asked, “Candice, do you have any liquor? I want to pre-drink.” She had a guy with her and I let them mooch on my booze. She left and returned at 11:00 asking who was driving. I assumed she would since I’d offered the pre-drinks, but I was wrong.

We arrived to the bar by midnight, and New Neighbor disappeared leaving me with her male friend who thought it was appropriate to point out that my sexiness had really turned him on. Luckily for me, my BFF’s uncle is the owner of he bar so drinks cost next to nothing for me. I resolved to downing as many shots as $20 could buy with that best friend discount. Within a half hour, I was wasted, about to hurl, and ready to go home. This guy assumed this was his chance with me, so he offered to be my escort. “Perfect,” I thought. He could just safely drive us back.

At home, I got into bed and New Neighbor’s friend tried to join me. After yelling at him to get the heck away from me, I showed him the way out and locked my door.

At 6:30 the next morning, I needed to go outside for some fresh air and stopped dead in my tracks as I witnessed the guy sleeping in the hallway of my condo’s common area. I quietly shut the door, laughed and snorted a few times, and went back to bed.

I checked a gain a couple of hours later only to find that he was looking very comfy curled up in a fetal position next to the brick wall with an imprint on his left cheek. The least I could have done was offer a pillow, but I didn’t care enough.

Needless to say, New Neighbor didn’t make it home that night and I was utterly delighted for another excuse to dislike her. Bad drivers are not my thang as it is. Later that day, New Neighbor knocked on my door to tell me that she was not mad at me for leaving her at the bar. What a relief!

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  1. you mean you didn’t enjoy providing inconsiderate morons with alcohol and a ride to the bar while one tries to take advantage of you in your own home? I highly suggest refraining from giving someone a second chance. If they come off like a d-bag, they probably are. Kandice- you’re hilarious, just lke your sisters

  2. I’ll soon be moving and I can’t wait for it!
    Years of annoying neighbours on my shoulders. First there’s the mini godzilla. The family living over my apartment has a little child (guess what, they had to move out years back of their old apartment as the neighbours complained about their sounds.. what a surprise), though he’s not that little anymore, probably 6 going on 7, but he’s so loud at times. He stomps through the whole place and sometimes even plays ball in his room – which happens to be exactly over my room. I once asked the landlord if we can have bowling in our apartment as well, apparently the neighbours over us are allowed to XD
    Then there’s all those very loud kids in the neighbourhood. Yes, they are kids and they can play outside (much better than only inside) but the parents should at least have some kind of control over them. Groups of 10 kids with whistles and whatever loud items roaming the streets is not exactly joy to people living anywhere – plus doing that at 11 at night is making me doubt the parents’ sanity.
    On number three is the neighbour previously livng in the apartment under mine. He was prone on alcohol and mhh.. deaf? Maybe it was the alcohol causing that. Watching TV with such a volume that I could listen in wasn’t cool. And when I from above tried to tell him to be a bit quieter by stomping on the floor (that always reminds me of Friends), he screamed up ‘when the noise is going to finally stop’.. silly old man. A few times he thought that it’s cool to listen to music full power at 2 am. Lovely times. New neighbour downstairs likes to host parties. Which makes my whole room vibrate from the bass. Lovely, right?
    And then there’s “Techno-Marc” – that’s how I named him – from somewhere in the neighbourhood. All I can ever hear from his is bass. OOOOH! I totally forgot the people who lived upstairs before the family now. Playing Need for Speed at 11pm and giggling away.. every thursday I had to endure the wannabe artist upstairs playing guitar and singing along. He would’ve needed some kind of criticism. Honest criticism. But hey: he’s gone and probably terrorizing some other neighbours.
    This neighbourhood has turned into some kind of hell in the last two years. Now somebody also lives in the neighbourhood that manages to fill the air with weird food (?) smell in the middle of the night. Did i mention that I can’t wait to move away end of the month? :D

    And yes, the small thinsg are the ones. You know how drops of water can dig away in a stone (I don’t even know if I managed to use the correct words here).

    That reminds me of another story. One sunday – the new family had already moved in – it got really loud up there. Heavy things dropped onto the wooden (!!!!) flooring every few seconds, stomping feet and whatever noise terrorized me. I was holding it up for 5…6h – very brave – until I used the broom (Friends again!!) to knock on the ceiling. You won’t believe what happened next! The mother stormed down, rang my doorbell and complained to me! How dare I complain about things that ‘can fall down once or twice’. They’d have friends over and the poor kids just want to play. I was so baffled then, I couldn’t say a word. The raging headache building up those past hours wasn’t helping as well. To the day – and that has probably been 4 years ago already – I still can’t believe how I couldn’t bring a word out to that woman. Wow.

    Keep it up, Candice, don’t kill anybody. You see, some people would be happy about “just” a parking dork.

  3. Wow, hope things get better with New Neighbor. I used to have neighbors that would play obnoxiously loud, annoying shooter video games so I’d here squawking and gun shots all day long and then they’d play the same 5 songs every single night like as loud as it could go. And they never turned it down! I feel your pain…

  4. LMAO, ok, New Neighbor needs to get a new place to live! I say give her a “ticket” and see if she doesn’t change.

  5. Imagine how her car would have been parked had she driven that night… that would have eaten your soul completely. Very funny story!!!

  6. Maybe she needs a wheel alignment?! Egg her car!

  7. oh my gosh, she needs to grow up. I have a neighbor that is old, old old. and she raps in her car in her driveway with the windows down and the radio up.

  8. UGH! bad neighbors are the WORST, I completely feel your pain.

  9. Wow! New Neighbor is as bad as my new (now doesnt live next to me) Neighbor. She used to scream on the top of her lungs at no one at 2 in the morning EVERY night. I never tried to befriend her, she was too nutso!

  10. Thanks for commenting all! This was my first Hello Giggles post and I am so excited about it. Happy you enjoyed!! Now all we need is for the world to read Hello Giggles and we will be all set!

  11. I cannot stand neighbors and roommates…You should hire some teenagers to play some ding dong ditch ;)

  12. to post a comment

  13. i really REALLY hate my neighbor :@

  14. Hilarious! I so have the same issues. Major disasters don’t faze me, but little things drive me wild. Especially: hair rubber bands breaking when you are just going for that last loop and my above neighbors playing some shooter video game in the middle of the night so I wake up and think I’m in the middle of a drive by.

    • You know, who cares if the ocean evaporates, but that hair tie must last a lifetime! I’m glad it’s not just me :)

  15. New Neighbor is a jerk! Its not that you are over reacting, you just carry a strong disdain towards inconsiderate idiots. I get it.
    Acts of nature, bah, whatchya gonna do? Dumb people, grrr, where’s my bat?