Bachelorette Recap Party-Episode 5: Mental Kissing is Trending

All we kept hearing on this episode was that “Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love”. I mean, I guess. I personally find it hard to believe that you could fall in love in a place with that much humidity. We’ve all seen the evidence of this in Ashley’s hair. Sorry (I’m not sorry) but it looked pretty frizzy and we all know it.  Anyway, that’s where the crew heads off to. There are three dates. A one-on-one, a group date, and then Chris Harrison changes the game with a two-on-one, aka one gets the rose and the other goes home. Stakes are high.

Okay, so Ben F aka “Wine Guy” gets the one-on-one. Before the date, he says that there is “a 100% chance Ashley will get kissed”. All the guys are jealous and we all know why. Ben F and Ash have “orphanage chemistry”. Yeah, that’s a real thing now.

Ben F and Ashley head out to a market in Chiang Mai by way of this freaky little Thai VW bus/golf cart thing and have a great day. Ben F buys her some sort of silk wrap jacket, he tries on a beanie, they watch someone paint an umbrella and then they paint umbrellas themselves. I’m pretty sure you’ve found a potential husband when you get a guy to paint a paper umbrella with you. I would think that zero guys really want to do that. It’s not even functional in the rain. Ashley says she wants to put them on “their future mantel”. Ugh, okay, save it sister. You’re playing with this guy’s heart.

After the market, Ben F and Ash walk around to check out some temples. They sit right outside one of them and gaze into each other’s eyes. This is the moment Ben F has been waiting for… until Ash kills the moment, just as the tension is building letting him know that kissing is off limits in the area surrounding the temple.

Fine, I get it. It’s a respect thing. However, there was mad tension happening there. Have you ever taken a photo somewhere when you know you’re not supposed to take pictures? Iinstead of asking, you just take one photo before someone can stop you? Oh. You don’t? I pretty much do that wherever I travel. Anyway, they should have done that with a kiss.

However, something SO much better happens. They MENTAL KISS. Oh, weird – you don’t know what that is either? It’s where you think about kissing someone you really want to kiss but you can’t. You both picture it together. Mental romance is totally hot right now. It’s trending at Bible Camps this summer.

Don’t worry, they get a chance to kiss later, at this amazing dinner where they sit at a table in the middle of flowers and candles. There are a lot of talks about taking down emotional walls. Ben F really charms Ash with all the emotional talk and he get’s a rose. (I’d like to point out that Ashley frequently talks like a baby when she says “Will you accept this rose?”)

Next up, the group date. Muay Thai Boxing. Really? I’m sorry Ashley, but if you wanted to show America how good you look in a sports bra and Spandex pants, then why didn’t you just go do yoga on the beach or something? Oh, sorry, I forgot you wanted to show off how cute your pink boxing gloves were.

Speaking of pink boxing gloves, this isn’t a good date for our boy “I’m More Than a Forehead” Ames. He gets stuck with the pink gear, which actually looks pretty damn good on him. During training, he’s a mess. He’s scared to punch, can’t take a punch and he gets knocked over by a punching bag. You knew he was set up for failure when the group date moved to some Thai town square for a full on boxing match vs. each other. We all knew from previews that things would not end well for whoever was in pink for the event but what we didn’t know was that it would be Ryan P. to take him out.

Ryan P has been rubbing me the wrong way for the past few episodes. Basically the more screen time he is given to talk, the more I despise him. I thought he was so nice at first and then ultimately Mr Sunshine sends Ames to the hospital. It’s kind of like finding out Danny Tanner is played by Bob Saget.

Other match ups were Blake vs. Lucas,  JP vs. Mickey, and Nick vs. Constantine. Blake proves that he is “more than a dentist” and wins his fight. JP also wins his fight vs. Mickey. I don’t even remember if Nick or Constantine won because I was so worried about Ames, who ultimately gets taken away in an ambulance. We see Ames later at the group date cocktail party. He’s back from the hospital and fully drugged up. Ashley tells him she’s glad he’s okay, to which Ames responds “Thanks, man.” Loved that.

Also, you would think Ames gets the rose but no, he doesn’t. Blake does. Also, Ashley makes Lucas show her how to swing a non existent golf club. I almost threw up.

Two-on-one is with Ben C and William. Ben C used to be my least favorite but now it’s definitely William. I was glad that he had a 50/50 chance of going home on the date. However, he pulls a weasel card and tells Ashley that Ben C says he’s ready to go home and start internet dating. BOOM, Ashley sends Ben C home right away on a little raft. That’s a painful way to process a breakup. Later, William and Ash ride elephants and William kind of brags about Ashley trusting him so much that she sent home Ben C without question, says he just wants to be a kid 4evs and then BOOM Ashley sends William home. Damn girl.

The Rose Ceremony brings a lot of emotion back to Ashley as she processes the all-too-familiar insecurities about guys being there for the wrong reasons. She wants to instate more honesty with the guys. Well, maybe you should start by admitting you’re still in love with Bentley. Anyway, she sends home Nick. Also, in case you didn’t notice, I haven’t written ANYTHING about Bentley coming back on this episode because he DIDN’T. We were all tricked. However, it is going to happen next week when everyone goes to Hong Kong. It’s going to be such amazingly bad television. EEEEEEK can’t wait!

Love U 4ev$,

Images via and

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