Bachelorette Recap Party: Episode 1

I truly believe The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is the BEST unintentional comedy on TV.
These recaps are going to be the best Bachelorette Party you’ve ever been to with more gossip/commentary on the season and less-to-hopefully zero phallic candy necklaces.
Last season on The Bachelor, we left a heartbroken Ashley to go back to Maine and do dental things. Brad continued to awkwardly break up with the rest of the girls until he ended up with Emily. Who was surprised? Not me. I was more surprised to see that Ashley made it so far in the show considering she has a peppy-ness that only a “Cheer Mom” could love. Ashley really put me on edge last season, but I’m willing to give her a chance.
Ashley has been selected by producers to keep this saga going. She admits she is flawed, has learned from her mistakes, and she’s at a great place in her life teaching hip-hop and doing the next level of dentist school in Philly. She’s scared to fall in love, but guys it’s HER TIME. Episode # 1 aired Monday on ABC and wow do we have some gems on board this season. So let’s meet some of the guys.
Old Money (Ben C.)- Dude needs to chill out. We get it, you speak french, you grew up abroad, and you probably sail but like, homegurl Ashley isn’t interested in that stuff. Talk about incisors. Talk about hip-hop. Buy her a dress from Caché. Done.
Wine Guy (Ben F.)- Nothing is better on the Bachelor/Bachelorette than two people with the same name.  I mean what if both Bens get to the end? Does Ashley have to propose using initials? Of course I don’t believe that will EVER happen because Ben C. won’t last long. Ben F. has shaggy hair and he makes wine. He already has a place in my heart.
Constantine (Constantine): He just gets to be called by his own name because he has an emperor’s name. Also, he looks like a cross between an NHL player and Wine Guy.
Solar Powered (Ryan P.)- First guy out of the Limo. Even if Ashley doesn’t ultimately choose Ryan, I’ve decided that he is her soul mate. We’ll see what happens, but you will remember when I called this early. This guy is MAJOR and he’s into solar energy so he’s totally environmentally considerate and probably/definitely RICH. AND he got the first rose. J’ADORE RYAN, though I fear in the end he’ll be dumped for being the “nice guy.” He might even be the next Bachelor.
Sleeper Pick (West)– The guy is cheesy for giving Ashley a broken compass set on West, but this guy is a sly dog. Keep your eyes on him. I think he’s kind of a hottie.
The Butcher (Anthony)- He’s on the wrong show. Bottom line. He should have been at “The Christening” on Real Housewives NJ. Thus he doesn’t get a rose. SEE YA ANT-NY.
Mask Guy (Jeff)- His face is “out of the game.” Who does this? I don’t know, maybe he has a partially deformed face? OR maybe he’s one of those people who thinks they’re an animal and he’s already transformed the skin around his eyes to look like a lion so he’s hiding it for later.  But hey, regardless, drama is through the roof because Drunk Guy (see below) “hates masks” and who can really disagree with drunk guy’s honesty? I’d like to put Mask guy and that Canadian couple who is hiding their child Storm’s identity on the same TLC show. Mask Guy says the mask is just “for now”. Lies. It’s 4 ever, because your weirdness gets attention, which equals a longer life on the show.

Drunk Guy (Tim)- The Long Island Liquor Distributor. He’s hammered from start to finish. He finds it hard to speak. He spills beer on himself. He passes out. He wants Mask Guy “no where nears him” and neither does Ashley. He’s gone. No Rose.
Cupcake (JP)- Ashley has always been convinced that the man she’ll end up with will call her cupcake. Ummm, ok? Ashley and I are very different women, but who knows, JP might be the guy for her, MIGHT.

Badboy Bentley (Bentley)– This guy caused pre-limo drama in episode 1. Just like Chris Harrison said, we’ve NEVER had pre-limz dramz, but clearly she’s going to be “in love” with him for 6 episodes until she CRIES. Let’s face it, Ashley did fall in love with Brad, who is the most shallow/awkward guy I’ve seen on TV. If you don’t remember, please watch this.
I don’t know about you, but after seeing the previews for this Monday, I’m excited. Ashley is going to cry a bunch and she’s going to visit some cool places and get her heart broken and say “You are too cute” a zillion times. Basically, things are going to get real, but we’re going to get through this together. I never thought I would do this, but maybe I’ll fill out a Bachelorette bracket before Monday. Mostly so I can have record of being right from the start. I’d really like to know who everyone thinks is going to win AND if someone wants to count how many times Ashley said “too cute” in the first episode.  That’d be the best/totally unnecessary.