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Special guests in LA include: Martha Plimpton, Julie Bowen and Busy Phillips!

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The post Do you like to laugh? Do you care about your lady rights? A IS FOR: ASSSSSSCAT BENEFIT NY/LA appeared first on HelloGiggles.

So, it was about time (circa 1987) that someone noticed that there was a giant, heaving gap to be filled. One that the people cried out for in droves. The desperate, unquenchable thirst to breed ‘Romeo and Juliet’ with ‘Monty Python And The Holy Grail.’ Most importantly, they did not forget to leave out the most incredible, charismatic, adorable man-child of all time: Fred Savage.

He'll always be Kevin to me.

Aside from being hysterically funny, this movie may have the most useful subliminal message of all time. It’s actually hard to count how many times it’s repeated by the characters in the film: ‘The most important thing in life is true love,’ AND ‘Life isn’t fair.’

"Life is pain, Highness. Whoever tells you differently is selling something."

As utterly romantic and entertaining as this movie is, I think it’s interesting that the two ideas are constantly presented in tandem. Damn cynics (truth-tellers). Also, considering the whole story is being simultaneously told to a child, it seems to be utterly fitting as “life lesson” material. Alright. Enough real talk.

• “Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse & tormenting the farm boy who worked there.”
  

  "Farm Boy? Polish my saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." (WHAT!?)

  Honestly, I feel like this movie starts a bit like how I would imagine a sadomasochistic porn to start. But when I looked at the box again it clearly said “comedy.” The only thing I can draw from this is that hot dudes with flowing blond hair really get off on getting kicked around. True love!

• Actually, while we’re here I’m just going to go ahead and do a tribute to flowing blond hair. I seriously doubt I am the only one who could use a brief 90’s heartthrob detour.
  

  The stuff dreams are made of!

  

  Backstreet is not back, alright?

  

  This is not Jared Leto. This is Jordan Catalano. Yes, there is a very big difference.

  

  BRING BACK THE HAIR!

  I think we’ve seen enough. Shall we?

"We are but poor, lost circus performers."

• Ok. Guys. I don’t know how this lesson bypassed our dear sweet beautiful Buttercup. When someone approaches you and announces themselves as a Carney: Run. It means they are obviously moments away from knocking you out with the Vulcan death grip and kidnapping you in order to start a war. I was really under the impression that this was knowledge that we were all born with, but, just in case you too missed the memo: write it the hell down.

Andre The Giant dog paddling. Learn from this what you will.

• Wise advice from Mr. Hall’s corner: “Never get involved in a land war in Asia, and never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”
  

  And, can all suicide attempts please be postponed until the next period!?

  This is so crazy. I was literally JUST about to start a land war in Asia. In the nick of time, Mr. Hall.

• Farm Boy here, in a pretty crazy turn of events, got involved in some kind of hand-me-down-evil-pirate-persona scheme. This is pretty baller. I’d actually be really into inheriting a bad-ass alter ego. If any of you have one and are willing to hand it over to me because, say, you would prefer to watch reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond” for a while, holler at yo’ girl. Though,  I’m not sure if it would be possible in today’s world. Given how quickly photos and information travel, it would be a little difficult for people not to notice a full on face change. But, then again, I’m not sure Bruce Jenner hasn’t gotten away with it.
  

  Bruce Jenner?

• You know, I think it’s fantastic that someone finally employed one of the many giant rats of New York City. I find the blatant lack of diversity in the show-rodent world absolutely appalling. It’s all about the newest model with them. Who is the thinnest rat? Who has the shiniest, most slender yet shapeliest bucked-teeth? Who eats cheese the hottest? Ratatouille? Ugh. Please. As if any rat looks like that naturally. Sorry. I don’t mean to be judgmental. Our pal Giant Rat here even takes 3 sword stabs and a bout with flames to meet his maker. That’s how a real Giant Rat goes. With dignity.
  

  Real rats have curves.

• This is the first time I have ever seen the hot water pail/cold water pail head-dunk-sober-up method in action. I’m not sure it would be effective sans friendly giant, but, I would really like to find out. Volunteers wanted.
• So, evil douche-prince here has a dirty rotten plan to murder Princess Buttercup. She tells him she’s in love with her Farm Boy, Wesley, and that she will surely off herself if he forces her to marry him. He says, “Please consider me as an alternative to suicide.” I’ve gotta be honest. I think this is a pretty strong pick up line. This could really work. Especially in Jersey.  Or among dentists. I don’t have a problem with dentists, but, I did read they had a high suicide rate. I sure hope that’s not true. But, if it is, this pick up line could really catch on among that demographic. Keep that in mind all you evil douche-princes out there.  On second thought, forget I said anything.
  

  Rude dude.

• Despite the movie’s underlying message, the lovers live happily ever after. I mean, it is a movie. At the end, Fred Savage’s grandpa says: “Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most beautiful. This one left them all behind.”

I’m just… wondering what that judging process was like, that’s all.

The post Life Lessons Learned From: The Princess Bride appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Never ending headgear envy.

But, I’m not gonna lie. This movie used to trip my little baby brain right the flip out. And, upon re-watching, I’m inclined to understand why. It was a lot more preachilicious than I remember it being. Don’t get me wrong. I love this movie. I love this movie almost more than I love cheese. And, I love cheese in a manner that even Steve Urkel himself would find revolting. I digress. Personally, I think the real heavy hitting moral of this story is that children possess an incredible ability: imagination! This power is constantly underestimated by us grown up types. It’s a strength that we’re born with. We spend the rest of our lives trying to think outside the box, but those darn kids are doing it from the minute they start yapping. As a youngster, I found that pretty empowering. Chew on that while you read the (hopefully) slightly more entertaining tid-bits I snagged from NES.

• Let’s do ourselves a favor and take a moment to marvel at the modes of transportation utilized in Fantasia:
  

  Rockbiter rolls via rock bike. Naturally.

  

  This gentleman prefers hang-gliding bat.

  

  Racing snail?

  

  Somewhat trusty steed.

  

  FALCOR.

  All I’m saying is: unprecedented/very, very hip ways to reduce oil dependency.

• A wise pointy-headed fellow asks Atreyu to go on his quest. Atreyu then proceeds to  straight up drop his tribal gear on the ground and say he’s in it to win it. Game on. Note to self: dropping your s&%* on the ground and accepting the quest at hand is a bold way to say you’re a badass who ain’t scared of nothin’. I tried this a minute ago when someone asked if they could use my bathroom. I dropped my laptop on the ground and said “GO FOR IT!” I now need a new laptop. But I looked awesome. You’re welcome.
  

  Wise pointy-headed fellow.

  

  Throwing down weapons to display intention of commitment!

• In the Swamp of Sadness, Atreyu’s awesome horse Artex gets a little down on himself and subsequently starts to sink in the quicksand. It’s a rough area. Happy thoughts are literally vital. Kind of like Shepard’s pie day at school. You will absolutely have to survive lunch and its impending meat pie attack in order to get to the end of the day. But, it’s gonna take some seriously Spock-like mind melding capabilities to succeed. It didn’t work really out for Artex. I know a few kids that didn’t make it through Shepard’s pie day in one piece, either. But, whenever I see a swampy sand ridden area, I genuinely think happy thoughts . You may think that’s just plain ridiculous, but I’d like to present valuable evidence: I haven’t sunk yet. So… consider yourself advised.
  

  Artex! No! Think about oats! Or hay! Or... grass?

  

  Shepard's pie day.

• Luck dragons do not take well to the post coital sneak away tactic. As seen here, Atreyu wakes to find himself spooning with a half dragon, half Cocker Spaniel type creature. Awkward. He tries the trusty ‘sneak away.’ Bad call.
  

  ....What happened last night?

• Fantasia might be the only place I’ve ever heard of that will apparently annihilate you with laser beams for having crappy self-esteem. I guess it’s not a bad tactic. If that’s what gives you the swift kick in the pants to believe in yourself, then, good on ya. Or, you could run like a bat out of hell like Atreyu does here when they try to off him for doubting his worth. Also, please note the vulgarity of these murderous statues? What gives?
  

  *Ahem*

  

  Run from the fiery laser beams of self-doubt!

• Let’s get down to the most important information I garnered from this film. Atreyu was in fact the one who invented “planking.” Proof:
  

  Atreyu's planking photo.

• Basically the movie ends with a weird narrator long-windedly saying, “READ!” So, ya know. Do that. If not for your own enjoyment, do it for the Empress of Fantasia (Moonchild!?)!
  

  "Knowledge is power!"

The post LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM: THE NEVERENDING STORY appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Though I’d like to believe that the tutelage stemming from these classics had a positive effect on me, no one – and I mean absolutely NO ONE – benefited from the devastatingly irreversible fashion choices made by yours truly during the high school era of my life cycle under the influence of such cinematic girl power. Going to school in South Florida sporting leather pants from The GAP will demonstratively not get you made out with. Thanks a lot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I don’t think that this makes me unique. In fact, I think I smell a lot more of you lurking out there. Pungent, yet comforting, I might add. Hence the introduction of this little ol’ nostalgia series Life Lessons Learned From: ________________.

I solemnly swear that at least 90% of everything you read here will be completely and utterly useless to your every day life. And please, mofo’s, feel free to suggest future blank fillers. In the meantime: nerd alert.

• Lydia Deets is basically my hero. If they had sold her red wedding dress at K-Mart, I would have worn it to every single school dance in the tri-state area. They did, however, sell the VHS, which I proceeded to wear out like a my great grandma’s favorite muumuu.  I think the real reason I’m attached to it is that there seems to be some kind of amazing message somewhere in the film that resonated with me. Even if you  don’t fit in with the people around you, like-minded people can turn up and embrace you in the most unlikely likely places. You know, like dead people in your attic.

• Miniatures are the &%#!. I have a crush on them. A deep-seated, unhealthy crush. All of this CGI stuff we’ve been having this torrid affair with can suck it. If miniatures were to propose marriage, I would surely accept. I’d even write my own vows.
  

  Handbook for the Recently Deceased

• It turns out that the only divinely written handbook on a specific subject is delivered postmortem. There goes my hope of the stork dropping off a parenting hanbook in tandem with my future offspring.

Triangular hair bits!

Attempt at creating a hip trend?

• Yes, you CAN make triangles out of hair. No, it still does not look cool on me. Though, I would encourage you to try your own luck. Could be worth it (please send photos).
• As I had suspected, hell is a DMV. It’s exactly the same as the one by your house. This appears to be omitted from several religious texts.

• Agents do in fact take commission for hauntings. “Might I remind you, I am Delia’s agent. I have been losing money on her for years. If anything should happen here, I shall handle it!”
• Catherine O’Hara is the end all be all of movie moms (among many other things). Proof:

'Orange County'

'Beetlejuice'

'Home Alone'

Some solid home run’s from Delia Deets:

• “Charles I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to ‘relax.’ I’m here with you. I will live with you in this hell hole but you must let me express myself. If you don’t let me gut out this house and make it my own I will go insane and I will take you with me!!”
• “This is my art! And it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this!?”
• “Lydia, you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or else people whether they’re dead or alive will walk all over you.”

• Dancing to Harry Belafonte at any point time is always the best course of action. If a friend helps you float? Well, that’s just a bonus.

The post LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM: ‘BEETLEJUICE’ appeared first on HelloGiggles.