Sure, sometimes my contempt isn’t totally fair, nor is it usually socially acceptable. It’s frankly quite rare that I’m anything better than the assh**e that hates babies (I swear it’s only the leafy ones). I’m not saying I’m proud of my intolerant lifestyle; I don’t relish my diet of Lactaid and Haterade. It’s just a fact I feel I should ‘fess up to before I discuss the holiday at hand.

Because there is nothing (NOTHING) I despise more than Valentine’s Day. Really. It’s like Hitler and Voldemort had a baby that flies and shoots things and all I wanna do is rom-vom all over the place.

…But before I RSVP to the Ladies’ Roundtable of Disgust and Despair, I’d like to try something new. My friends with boyfriends (really not my friends anymore) call it “optimism.” And I’d like to share it with you. So, in the spirit of we’re-all-in-this-together (because-no-one-else-will-have-us) frowndship, I’m here to get you through this. To give you a sliver of hope this February 14^th, by way of a motto. To be repeated as needed. (Rhymed again! Seriously. It’s like Shel Silverstein grew a vagina.)

Okay, ready? Five words. Six syllables. Sounds like grasping at straws–

It could always be worse.

And here’s how…

20 Ways Your Valentine’s Day Could Suck More Than It Already Does

• You get cholera.
• Your Bitch magazine subscription expires.
• New legislation passes: You now live in a dry county. And you’re all out of recreational Nyquil.
• The cashier at Yogurtland asks how many spoons you need. “Just the one. But I’m emotionally eating for seven.”
• You feel joy in or around your vicinity.
• You get dysentery.
• You find a stain on your Jane Austen crop top. Outfit ruined.
• It’s 70 degrees and sunny. Your “it’s just raining on my face” line no longer flies.
• Your mom joins Facebook. Not really related to Valentine’s Day. Just decidedly unpleasant.
• Your cats commit suicide. And they use all your scented candles to do it.
• Taylor Swift reveals she knew he was trouble like…twenty minutes after the fact.
• You sign up for a Grouper. You get a fish.
• None of your Tinder matches will help you grill your grouper.
• Braid Bar declines your request. They do not offer services for leg hair.
• Carl’s Jr. will only let you order from the pre-fixe menu.
• Your Nicholas Sparks book club goes to Safe Haven without you.
• Your mailman leaves a copy of Eat, Pray, Love on your doorstep with a note: “It gets better.”
• You die.

See? It’s not as bad as you think it is. Besides, there are 364 other days and one of them is Arbor Day and that’s the holiday you shine, gurl. So you can take your Perkoset-infused-gin in one hand, and your moonshine-flavored-absinthe in the other, and toast to the fact that your life really isn’t all that bad.

Because you could totally have cholera. Or dysentery.

Images via Google and Angry Little Girls

The post Why Valentine’s Day Isn’t As Awful As You Think (But Is Still Substantially Awful) appeared first on HelloGiggles.

But Season 17 of The Bachelor is kind of a thang. In fact, there’s a possibility that Sean Lowe will actually fall in love. And I simply don’t know how to handle this.

I used to watch The Bachelor merely for comic fodder, as ironic a fan as Alanis is of having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. But suddenly, this episode came along, and I was hurtled to the precipice of the slippery slope that leads to that other kind of irony. The kind that you shout out when defending your 22-year-old self for spending $200 on Miley Cyrus concert tickets. Knowing deep down that you spent another $35 for the MiCy tankini and you wear it everyday underneath all your clothes. This is the “irony” of a lifetime of lies.

Because, here I am, wondering if it’s not only Sean’s chest that is exposed, but his heart, as well. And I’m wondering if there is love in the world. Actual love. The-Chris-Harrison-and-me-starring-on-MTV-in-”True Life: The Notebook Lacked Spark Compared To Our Love” kinda love. Suddenly, up is down and down is up and Jef Holm is straight and… I don’t know how to look myself in the eye anymore.

Am I losing my edge? Has the world gone insane? And how amazing are the FLOTUS’ bangs?!

Well, as a child of Pythagoras, it seems the only way to solve this is with some simple math. Thus, I’ve compiled a tally of my optimism levels during The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 3, where the baseline level = belief in love as of episode two = 0.

RECENT DEVIATIONS FROM SANITY, AS CAUSED BY ABC

Third straight opening clip of Sean starring in a Bowflex commercial: -3

The way that a blue button-down brings out the sapphire of Chris Harrison’s eyes: +10

Robyn’s romantic musing, “I want the date card to say, ‘Robyn, let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real:” +1 (for use of iambic pentameter)

Imagining a date at the Guinness World Records Museum: -48 (continuous states visited by Papa Lowe)

The sign behind Lesley that reads “Longest On-Screen Kiss” as she proclaims, “I have no idea what’s about to happen:” -1

All I see is Chris Harrison bringing dapper back.

The fact that no one provided ChapStick:  -1

Sean’s on-screen butt grazes: +3

Lesley’s lack of on-screen butt grazes: -3

Description by one audience member of the 3 minute, 16 second kiss as, “just, like, awkward:” -5

Potential popularity of longest-on-screen-kiss-record-breaking game show: +72

Lesley’s last-minute leg pop: +1 (Because she paced herself.)

Hearing my own aloud reaction to Sean and Lesley M’s date (“Oh holy balls they love each other, this is crazy, OMG, OM-f-ing-G.”): +100

How rapidly all the other contestants became the evil stepsisters to Lesley’s Cinderella: +10

Sean blushing as he tells Lesley, “I didn’t think I would have feelings this fast, but…you know…I do:” +8 (What a panda. Like truly the hottest of pandas.)

Sean’s record-breaking ability to cite three qualities he likes about a girl (“sexy, smart, funny”) that don’t include “her energy” or “something about her”: +3

Seeing the girls chant, “Take off your shirt!” as they rotate sitting on Sean while he does push-ups: -5 (But +5 of a different kind of love.)

The “serious quality alone time” of a 6-on-1 date: -5 (for number of people making it anti-alone time)

My preoccupation with uncovering the identity of the announcer at the volleyball game: -5 (Though, if my suspicions are correct, it’s actually God taking a break from his human incarnation (Chris Harrison). In which case: +infinity.)

Witnessing the waste of vital resources as the winning volleyball team sprayed champagne in celebration: -1 (Do you not realize there are 6 of you going on a date together? That’s 5 more than you want….Ya huh. Math on math on math.

Lindsay + Lindsay’s face + Lindsay’s voice: -3

Beholding Lindsay’s face while hearing Lindsay’s voice say the quote below: -50

“Oh my gosh. I am just, like, so amazed by you. You’re everything I’m looking for. You’re all, like, hands-down on paper and I feel chemistry. Like I don’t need that constant attention but I wanna be able to look at you across the room and give you a look and you totally know what I’m thinking. Like, I need, like, you know what I mean? Like, my best friend.”

My ever-growing concern that Amanda is, in fact, a psychopath: -5 (“It has nothing to do with volleyball. Nothing.”)

This face: -1

“And I look like a crazy person who can’t handle all this drama.” …At least she’s self-aware.

The reveal of Tierra’s upcoming autobiography entitled Tierra Took A Big Fall: -1

Understanding Sean’s ability to move on from his date with Lesley M thanks to his self-description as “a guy who’s had several concussions:” +10

How little concern AshLee has for Tierra’s potential injuries: -4

Seeing Tierra have a bitch blackout on a stretcher: +1 (It just made me feel warm.)

Sean’s genuine (really) compassion (no seriously) in spite of wearing a shirt (poor planning): +20

AshLee’s touching (emotionally) vulnerability (the nice kind) in spite of her face’s relative lack of mobility (part plastic): +10

Sean. Crying. From his eyeballs.: +1000

Sean having “the highest hopes” for his future with AshLee: +5

Remembering that he said the same thing to Lesley and Desiree: -15

Realizing AshLee’s feelings for Sean describe my newfound feelings toward our bachelor’s search for love (“I really want this. I never thought I’d believe in this.”): +30

The amount of whooping Sean evokes: -10. At a rose ceremony? Come on, ladies. Have some respect.

This face: -1

A lesson in questionable choices.

Sean surprising Sarah with a visit from her puppy: I MEAN. THIS HAS TO STOP.

Tierra’s need to “punch some [bleeping] walls:” +/- 1 (Depends on what the bleep stands for. Could be one of those “glass-ceiling” barrier shenanigans.)

Lesley H’s second turtleneck at a rose ceremony: -11 (Seriously, gurl, what is up with your décolletage?)

Picturing the kountless kats Kacie will keep: -….0h, whatever belief in love I had left. So nevermind. False alarm.

Images via ABC

The post Finding Love In A Hopeless Place? Why This Season of ‘The Bachelor’ May Actually Matter appeared first on HelloGiggles.

… That is, unless you find a LOOPHOLE. Well, they don’t call me Emily “Loophole” Hirshey for nothing. They do it because I asked them to in order to qualify me as an advisor on this topic. And you know what that name change gave me? A loophole. So, with my meta-qualifications established, feel free to trust me to set your goals for the next year. I am fully confident you can achieve all of these dreams…as long as you have an affinity for ellipses, addendums and, naturally, malt liquor.

The 20 New Year’s Resolutions Even You Are Capable Of Keeping In 2013

1. Spend more time with family…members of someone living in or around your current location.
2. Exercise more…of your right to remain sedentary when deemed necessary.
3. Eat better…waffles. There’s a whole world outside Eggo. Leggo.
4. Drink less…malt liquor before 4 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
5. Lose ten pounds…by looking at yourself in a camera and then not in a camera.
6. Quit smoking…meat at vegan barbecues.
7. Save money…on sweetener by stealing it from Starbucks.
8. Learn a new language…exists that you didn’t know about, e.g. Wolof in Senegal. Welp, guess we’re done with #8.
9. Get organized…dividers from Staples. Now throw them somewhere to be used later.
10. Be more patient…with the show Revenge. The “white haired man” only lasts for a few episodes.
11. Appreciate the little things…by seeing The Hobbit. Now you’re done.
12. Recycle…jokes. Because Arbor Day is always funny.
13. Travel. No initial qualifying ellipsis necessary…I mean, you do this everyday…Gotta complete the sentence to get more specific about this…Soooo…check.
14. Volunteer…as tribute. In case it ever comes up.
15. Get Unplugged…presented by VH1 featuring Taylor Swift on DVD.
16. Stop snacking for no reason…because there are so many reasons: Boredom, sorrow, anxiety, proximity…No excuses for no excuses.
17. Smile more…at people who might try to sit next to you on the bus. They’ll keep their distance.
18. Read more…menus of available malt liquors.
19. Get Happy…Socks.™ And send them to me.
20. Be less stressed…about your resolutions. Because it’s February and you’re already done! #changes #byTupac #isagoodsong #butyoualsoseemdifferent

Images via Google, SavageChickens

The post ¡Viva La Low Bar! The New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep in 2013 appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Oy vey, the food. A wonderful-evil-unicorn-piranha gift on a plate. Like Zac Efron, a Thanksgiving meal is a thing of utterly unimaginable beauty that I want to molest immediately and all night long. However, like my lifelong dream of accosting Zac Efron, I know that attacking those sweet potatoes with utter abandon is something I (and my collection of crop tops) will soon live to regret.  So, here I am, facing that every-episode-of-Sex-and-the-City dilemma: Can a girl have it all?

But wait. Here I am a sentence later, delivering that every-episode-of-the-TV-version-of-Clueless answer: DUH. I’ve got the recipe for living it up this Thanksgiving without gaining a pound, and all it calls for is a tablespoon of creativity, 2 cups of enthusiasm and 3 gallons of eschewing all social norms and/or moral codes of conduct. Dinner is served, my little sass-quatches.

HOW TO DINE GUILT-FREE THIS THANKSGIVING

• AVOID AWKWARD INTERACTIONS (Rev Your Metabolism)

You see your second cousin walk in the front door and you panic. You haven’t seen her since you accidentally-on-purpose left your dog to eat all of her Crocs. We all know that this is what she should be thankful for this year. But people can be stupid and stupid people are usually owners of Crocs. So how do you dodge the fake apology? Sprint. Up the stairs. Two-at-a-time. Kiss those cheese-and-crackers calories goodbye! But don’t forget to give yourself enough time before the first course to cool down…maybe the dog will have eaten her by then too.

• DRINK WATER…NOW PEE (Cross-Fit)

You know what happens when you drink a lot of water? Sure, you stay hydrated and balanced and healthy. Whatever. What water really does is make you pee. (#Science) Thus, there you are in the bathroom with the perfect me-time to do tricep dips off the sink, leg lifts on the toilet, and jumping jacks on the bathmat. Ta da! Interval training like a BOSS.

• MAKE THE MOST OF SMALL TALK (Cardio)

If you’re like the average human, half of your conversations during Thanksgiving will be as mind-numbing as Kellan Lutz on Conan (I beg you to watch this). So why not make them ass-numbing as well?

Here’s how this goes—

You: That’s such a funny and interesting story! The weather really is sometimes warm and sometimes chilly. You know what else is really funny? Running suicides in the living room!

…And now we’re bonding.

• DON’T BURY YOUR PROBLEMS UNDER THE RUG (Portion Control)

So your ex-boyfriend knocked up your mom and then showed up at dinner as the boy toy of your great aunt? Sister, we’ve all been there. But why throw a drink in his face and waste your perfectly good only-means-of-psychological-survival wine? That’s just silly. Instead, use this opportunity to rid your plate of the food you can’t stop eating! Nothing says “I’m so over you, I don’t even care that you’re gonna be my great uncle” like mashed potatoes to the face.

• BE THE MOST SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS AT THE TABLE (Glutes/Quads/Abs/Self-Righteousness)

As our country faces a fiscal cliff, we must challenge ourselves to eschew the luxuries to which we have become accustomed. And what a better way to start than with chairs! Go chair-less this holiday season and proudly enjoy your meal as the family member with the biggest heart and smallest thighs. Everyone’ll be too busy checking out those glutes to notice your missing accessory. (But don’t let them check you out too long. Cuz, like, you’re related and that’s super weird.)

And if all else fails (though, really, how could it?)…

• BRING YOUR OWN SILVERWARE (Weight Training/Appetite Suppression)

Kill two birds with one stone by eating your dead birds with one stone fork. A bicep curl in every bite. Having it all, party of one.

…But, really, Zac. I’m available. And I’ve got leftovers.

Images via Woman’s Day, Cheezburger

The post Keepin’ It Tight On Gravy Night: How To Be A Thanksgiving Girl In A Bandage-Dress World appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Costumes That Will Earn You a 4.H0

• Erotic Baked Potato, a.k.a. “HOT AND SKEWERED”
• BARACK HOBAMA *Helpful Hint: Though witty, you may want to avoid HOsama Been Laid-On. Some bad blood there.
• BARNEY THE DINOSWHORE *Helpful Hint: Don’t get too carried away. Remember that Halloween is still not an excuse to tell a first date that you love him, he loves you, and you can have a happy family.
• Naughty Voldemort, a.k.a. “SHE WHO MUST NOT BE TAMED”
• Chewbacca, a.k.a. “GET THAT NOOKIE, WOOKIEE”
• SASSQUATCH
• MAHOTMA GHANDI *Helpful Hint: If you find yourself at a club, know that a peaceful sit-in on the dance floor is always an option. Though you will risk many diseases and will most likely be vomited on.
• BOTTLE OF PREPARATION HEYYYYY *Helpful Hint:If anyone asks if you actually have any of the cream on you, say Preparation HELL NO.
• PORKYOUPINE
• HAM (Hot-As-(Cooked)Meat) *See above
• Sassy Garbage Disposal, a.k.a. “TRASHY CAN I?”
• D(in)M(y)V EMPLOYEE *Helpful Hint: Nothing brings the boys to the yard like a scowl and an overwhelming sense of apathy.
• SUMOAN WRESTLERS *Helpful Hint: Try not to bend down at all in this costume. Especially if the floor is slanted in any way and you weren’t planning on rolling without stopping for most of the night.
• Sexy Toilet, a.k.a.  “NUMBER ONE HOTTIE” *Helpful Hint: This is not an occasion where second place is just as good
• Susan B. Anthony, a.k.a. “SUSAN B. ANTHONY”

Of course, these are just to get you started, to get you thinking beyond that pigeonhole, to the land of pigeonHOles. The world is your smart and slutty oyster.  So put down your bowls of candy corn and vodka (breakfast of champions), and take solace in the fact that this year could be different. This year your costume can make a statement.

Images via Google 

The post Why Choose Between Clever And Racy This Halloween When You Can Have Both? appeared first on HelloGiggles.