Basically, this is the best KIND of movie, particularly because it involves… [dramatic pause]… GHOSTs. Ghosts everywhere! On the subway, at Demi Moore’s house — everywhere. And we’re going to talk about each and every one of them because who doesn’t love a good ghost tale? Nobody we want to know, and that’s a fact. “Ditto,” you say, and I smile and nod.

So let’s get right to the point. We’ve got a lot of ghost talk to get through, and without our pals the Ghost Hunters, this could take HOURS. (Two, specifically, since it’s the duration of the film.)

Let’s hop to it!

1. The first time I saw this movie was in high school

So please let the record state that every time I saw Demi Moore’s hair, all I could hear was Monica Gellar’s voice saying to Phoebe, “Not DUDLEY Moore! DEMI Moore!” and Phoebe answering, “Oh, she has LOVELY hair!” (It’s true, Phoebe. You aren’t lying.) But, like Pretty Woman and every other movie on earth, I wasn’t allowed to see Ghost when it was popular. So instead, my mom and I would wheel the shopping cart past the display at the grocery store (I mean, I was four, so my parents’ rule was valid), and I would see the clay pot thing and the weird silhouette cardboard cut-out and try to guess what the movie was about. (Clay pots, usually. Maybe dead pottery.) Please imagine my HORROR when I realized it was about neither of those things.

2. Why does the word “Ghost” flash like that in the beginning with such a loud sound effect?

This isn’t The Sixth Sense, everyone! This is a romance! ABOUT A WOMAN AND A GHOST. There is NO NEED to freak us out with a really loud note and enormous upper case letters. Some of us signed up for a rom-com, and while we are about to be terribly disappointed because this is not, not a single soul (GET IT? Ghost pun) was ready to feel actual fear.

3. How did they not know all this space existed in their home?

What kind of home owners are they? I rented an apartment and I knew how much space I had. I go to a HOTEL, and I investigate to see how much room I’ve been allotted for dancing around to Christmas music while getting ready to go out (see: my friend Catie and my Montreal adventure last December — no regrets, only achievements). But these guys buy a house and think “we’ll figure it out,” I guess? Are they rich? Is this what being rich is like? And if they don’t own the house, are they just knocking down walls for a good time? If that’s the case, they’re in for a world of hurt as soon as their landlord finds out. Is that why he gets murdered? No, but let’s pretend. (“I told you: NO RENOVATIONS!”)

Also, Patrick Swayze’s horrible friend looks like Cooper from Center Stage. I wish he was.

4. Shout-out to Sam aka Patrick Swayze’s character being the worst at the beginning?

Why did I not notice this before? So he and Cooper from Center Stage are pretending Cooper is dying of the plague in the elevator (from a germaphobe to them: I hate you), then as soon as they get off the elevator, Sam’s like “Oh, Susan! Look-ing gooood!” WHAT’S IT TO YOU, SAM? WHO EVEN ARE YOU? Are you friends? If so, well, I don’t know. Also, why are you showing off your suspenders like they’re a thing? Were they a thing in the ’80s? I was a tiny baby, so I don’t know. But if they were, I bet it’s like showing off … a phone (???) today. NOBODY CARES. Except for Cooper, who love$$$$$$ money. I know this because he looked at an expensive car and made a comment about wanting it. #observations

5. Why does Demi Moore care about Sam’s leather chair?

Is that a thing, you guys? Caring about the guy’s chair when you move in? Is that something I should worry about caring about? Like, should I really care about whether or not a guy brings his favourite chair into the apartment we both pay for? I feel like I’d be upset if he brought a chair with rats living in it, but a normal leather chair? Who cares if it doesn’t fit! Am I wrong, though? Like, SHOULD I CARE? Because I feel like if you care about that, your life must be pretty amazing because wow you are fighting about A CHAIR. It’s a chair! Just put cool stuff on the walls, and it’s fine.

6. I think it’s fundamentally weird, though, that he says “ditto”

That is such a red flag I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, I know: being unable to say “I love you.” I mean, WHAT? Imagine you move in with a guy, and every time — EVERY TIME — you tell him you love him he says “ditto”? I think we’d have to have a talk about that. And I think it would go something like this: “Why can’t you say ‘I love you’?” – “I don’t know, I just can’t.” – “I think you need to work on that before we advance relationship-wise. Also, you just ruined my clay pot.”

7. HE TOTALLY RUINS HER CLAY POT

I would be SO ANGRY. That would be like the guy who can’t say I love you to me (a.k.a. Sam-the-soon-to-be-ghost) coming up right now and pressing all the buttons on my laptop when I was trying to type then hitting “submit.” Then him saying “I hope it wasn’t a masterpiece!” YOU HOPE?! MAYBE IT COULD HAVE BEEN. I DON’T KNOW. DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF. THIS IS MY JOB. YOU ARE RUINING MY WORK! That is what I would say. That would be like Molly going to his work and when he’s about to do something with money, running in and taking the money and shredding it and making everybody watch. But to “Unchained Melody.”

8. I have no idea what Sam’s job is, though

I just don’t know. Money? He does money? His job his money? He works in the money industry? “In finance” is what I think people “in finance” call it? There. He does finance. I don’t know how or what, but I think there are investments. Either way, to change what he saw on the screen, he just hit the monitor, so he does NOT work in computers, we know that much, he works in money. “Finance.” “Money.” “Not in computers.”

9. Woah, now Sam’s demeaning Demi Moore’s job?

So she tells him she’s going to have two pieces of her work (not the pieces ruined by him, I guess) in her friend’s gallery, and the New York Times is coming to review them. And okay! Great! That’s seriously rad. But do you know what is not? Sam’s reaction, which is all, “So what? Art critics are just artists who dropped out of school — the only people who’ll read the reviews are no one.” Like… HUH? And then when she says “Did I tell you about what my friend said?” he’s all “Yeah, about six times.” Well EXCUSE HER for being excited about HER SUCCESS, person who is supposed to be her partner. Fine, he says her work is beautiful — eventually. But can we just relax, Sam? Just be cool. And for the LOVE OF GOD, stop saying “ditto.” (“But it’s my thing!” – “No. Stop now.”)

10. BUT JUST GIVE HIM THE WALLET WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, GUY?

Everybody knows that you’re supposed to take the wallet and throw it far away and then run. THAT’S WHAT YOU DO. Why did you try and fight him!? Now look what’s happened. NOW YOU ARE A GHOST LIKE IN THE MOVIE GHOST.

11. Whatever, Cooper Neilson

YOU WOULD go for Molly AT THE FUNERAL. This is just like when other Cooper offered Jodie Sawyer cookies AFTER they hooked up. Then basically ditched her. (Okay, they’re not similar at all. But let me have this.) Though I will say this wake looks hopping — so maybe that’s why Cooper’s a little bit confused.

12. No, stop fighting the ghosts

THE FIRST RULE OF GHOST CLUB, SAM, IS YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT BEING A GHOST AND ALSO STOP FIGHTING HUMANS. (I have to express myself via caps lock for this because it’s very important information. I mean, for all I know, confused ghosts are reading this right now.) So here’s the thing: if you are a ghost, you have only the power of your mind, and also the power of scaring people by making things fall (according to Ghost Hunters). SO instead of fighting the burgalor, you follow him. To his home. And you learn his weaknesses and OH WAIT THAT EVENTUALLY HAPPENS. But still! Know that already, Sam. You could’ve destroyed his psyche in the first ten minutes, ultimately rendering him helpless and traumatized (by whispering the burgalor’s high school crushes’ names repeatedly).

13. Why does this train ghost care so much about Sam?

I mean, first, why are you so attached to your train when you were sad about being there, anyway? Second, WHY DO YOU CARE if someone else is on the train? Was he the type of person to also care about someone’s chair when moving in with someone? Is that what kind of ghosts those people grow up to be? Also, “LIKE TRAINS?!’ Um… kind of? Why would you shout that? Out of anything to shout! I would personally shout “HERE’S YOUR STOP.” But the scene isn’t over yet, so maybe he will.

So yeah, no, turns out he NEVER SAYS THAT. Or why he’s there? Like, did he die on a train? Did he fall in love on a train? Was his dad a conductor and he’s still determined to show his dad he can be somebody? WHO ARE YOU, TRAIN MAN. WHAT IS YOUR LEGACY.

WAIT OKAY I have realized he was a man who was either pushed or mentally ill and believes people are after him. This makes me so sad. Which is why we’re going to switch gears (not to gloss over it, but that is worth a blog post unto itself), and move on to…

14. We need to talk about Willy Lopez

This man has issues. I don’t even really know where to begin? He is obviously a very poor person with an addiction to alcohol, and now he’s staring menacingly at the photo of Demi Moor after having seen her in her bra? Also, he is a for-hire person meaning he is desperate. He sucks at robbing people, too, and also breaking and entering. Basically, this guy needs to get some help. Just… every kind you can imagine. I almost feel like that would be my ghost scare — more of an intervention than anything, actually. (“Please, just… get a hold of yourself. It’s time to get it together, thanks.”)

15. Other important things include:

a) How handsome Patrick Swayze is. THE MAN WAS SO HANDSOME. He looks a little like a guy I used to like, BUT I can look past that and bask in the glory of the good looking-ness of this gentleman.

b) Whoopi Goldberg’s about to arrive

16. WHOOPI GOLDBERG RULES BY THE WAY

I just don’t know how to stress that enough. She. Rules. Especially in this! Did she get an Oscar nomination? I feel like she did. If she didn’t, that’s an atrocity. If she did, and then didn’t win, that’s an even bigger atrocity. Oh wait, checking… YES SHE WON. CAN WE ALL JUST BE WHOOPI GOLDBERG, PLEASE? She is cooler than us, and also, in this role, she has the attitude I would LOVE to have. Instead, I will say this: Whoopi, if you’re reading this, please be my friend. Thank you.

17. And then WHAT A TWIST!

Everyone’s onto you, Cooper Neilson of Center Stage! EVERYONE! But mostly us and Sam, who just discovered that you are in way over your head. Meanwhile, is it wrong that right now, as Cooper is talking about being way in over his head in terms of drug dealers, I am thinking about the cold Chinese food Willy Lopez has just left sitting on his stool? Like, I would actually kill for some Chinese food right about now. And Willy just leaves it. And Cooper doesn’t care that it’s sitting there. I get that Sam has been accidentally murdered and is now a ghost, but … that Chinese food. It’s just SITTING there.

Where do you guys think it is now? Gone? I miss it. I hope it misses me too.

18. And then Demi Moore just breaks the glass jar…?

And it’s like, okay. #Symbolism but also #you #will #have #to #clean #that #glass #up ALSO, she has a cat! THAT CAT WILL BE WALKING ON GLASS. What are you, a monster, Demi Moore’s character? Rolling the penny around and then breaking a jar, only to have your cat try to navigate around that later. Also, what a buzzkill: knowing that after you made that display of symbolism, you would have to clean up a lot of glass. Like, a lot. (And what if we hadn’t been filming? Then she would’ve just been doing it FOR NO ONE.)

Then Cooper Neilson takes his shirt off, and I’m sorry but if I were Demi Moore I’d just say, “It’s awkward that you’re shirtless right now so put one on, thanks.” Because you know what? It is awkward. Also because I’m pretty sure he did it on purpose. To be “sexy.” When Molly is having a literal breakdown.

19. But then, the heist!

Well, no. BUT this is as Ocean’s 11 as Ghost is going to get! I like how this is 1990, and absolutely NO security measures are taken to withdraw $4 million. Just a comparison of signatures. And then the flipping over of things! I would like a ghost friend. Not actually, since it would scar me for life, but one in theory. Like Casper — but not 12. But still voiced by Devon Sawa. Basically, let’s just have a real great laugh at the expense of Cooper Neilson who is having a full-on meltdown.

20. And then Whoopi Goldberg turns into Sam! 

AND YES I KNOW IT’S SAM. But let’s remember that Sam’s actually asking Whoopi Goldberg to do him a big favour. Because I’m not going to lie: I don’t know if I’d be as helpful to Sam as Whoopi Goldberg is. And that is exactly why ghosts know not to hang around me. I am far too selfish, and would ask them to find me snacks and money in exchange for my time. They wouldn’t, and there you go.

But that being said, you guys know how terrified I am of ghosts/hauntings thanks to my deep-seeded fear of The Sixth Sense. And yet despite that fear I cry like a CHILD at the end of Ghost. (Think “puppy in a cup” from New Girl. Because it is EXACTLY THE SAME. Minus the actual hormones because you could show me this scene at any point of any day and I would still cry.) (IT’S SAD, ALRIGHT?) (I am just really bad at death scenes. Like, I’ve cried at Star Trek. And I’m not joking.)

So that being said, DITTO. DITTO FOREVER.

The post Old Lady Movie Night: “Ghost” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

The catch? I was in Ontario THE WHOLE TIME. Just terrible at organization, and instead of watching movies with all y’all, I typed other things while cursing how big my hair was getting and eating a lot of Popsicles. See, I hate the summer (I HATE IT), and when it’s that type of hot where even standing outside for a minute makes you want to transport to the arctic, I turn into a pile of dust who complains a lot and eats freakish amounts of avocado, all while being not fun.

BUT THIS WEEK I AM FUN (I hope?), and I will work hard to be fun despite the weather I know will ultimately be responsible for my emotional undoing. (And I keep finding spiders everywhere, guys. One was in the shower this morning. I’ll you what I’m not prepared for nor will be, ever: being undressed and shampoo’d while also next to a living thing with eight legs. Or, well, dead thing. Now. Because, well… circle of life, you guys. Let’s move on.) I will never abandon you. Even when you ask me to leave. Because, frankly, there are many movies to watch, and here is one of them:

Pretty Woman.

Now, there are feelings to be had about Pretty Woman such as: what is up with the shaming she underwent, and also: Edward is actually a pretty big creep. So I’m excited to watch it from this angle, and not the one I originally saw it from at age 14 when my friends and I glorified Edward and blamed Vivian for certain things. NOT COOL, TEEN ME. (You guys are much more socially aware than I was.) So without further adieu…

Pretty Woman: A Critique

1. Chapter one: Rich people are the WORST

Not rich people as in “people who have worked very hard and are very socially aware and do good in the world,” I mean the rich people in this movie who make condescending jokes about wives, and, well, are Richard Geere and George Costanza. This party! Yikes! You just know everyone’s running around saying, “Money, money, money” and clinking glasses and cheers-ing to money who money’d all the lovely money. Money! Rich people! But the awful kind! All in the very first two minutes of this fil-im.

2. EW, I hate this beck and call thing

I HATE IT SO MUCH. So Edward thinks his girlfriend is at his beck and call, but she dumps him, so he hires Vivian to be at his beck and call. Right off the bat we see that Edward thinks women aren’t to be treated like real people. I mean, when he sees his ex at the party, and she says “your secretary was one of my bridesmaids” that could’ve been his a-ha! moment. And no, this movie wouldn’t have been the same, but it probably would’ve been better because he’d learn you can’t buy love, Ed. YOU JUST CANNOT.

And also, women are human beings.

3. But this soundtrack is amazing, and how dare any of us ever argue with that

Did you guys ever hear songs that made you think “this is what being an adult is like”? My friend Hannah and I were talking about this, and basically every song featured in Pretty Woman reminds me of thinking I knew what being a grown-up was like. YOU KNOW? Richard’s driving this car, and “The King of Wishful Thinking” is on, and it’s night, and it’s Hollywood, and just… ADULTHOOD. I don’t even know what that means. I do know that as an adult, my life is not like that (which is I think more than okay). But every time I hear that, “Wild One” or Roxette I think, “Adults!” Or, to return to point one, “Rich adults!”

4. By the way, I was not (NOT) allowed to watch this movie when it came out

Well, I mean, I think I was four or six. I was born in 1985, so… whatever that added up to. And now that I’m watching the opening credits, I GET IT. Did you know you see drug exchanges going down? I just saw movie cocaine! How did I not catch that when I was 14? Did I legitimately not know? Probably. I probably did not. Is it weird I still think this is what L.A. is? But only at night? And in the ’80s? Probably. It probably is. Is anyone else unhealthily influenced by pop culture? Am I digging myself into some weird pop culture-y hole now? Probably? Terrific.

5. Edward, why would you take George Costanza’s car when you can’t drive stick

That makes zero sense. It makes none. You could’ve called a cab. You could’ve gotten people to move their cars. You could’ve taken another car. But NooooOOOoooOOO you want to show off. Or something. Well maybe I want to show off too, and maybe we’re going to see just how many George Costanza references I can make while writing about Pretty Woman. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, RICHARD GERE.

Also, oh my god, Garry Marshall was the guy going through the trash bins when Edward asks for directions, but all I can think about is Paul F. Tompkins as Garry Marshall on Comedy Bang Bang! because that impression has brought me new meanings of joy.

6. So we’re really going to avoid the addiction situation Kit has, I guess

Why is this not explored further? Or is it, closer to? Kit’s obviously addicted to drugs since she’s blowing rent money on them, yet we’re supposed to kind of laugh it off because she’s the best friend? Does this eventually get sorted out? It’s been a long time, guys, so I forget but will obviously remember over the next hour and 45 minutes. But we’ve got other fish to fry — Julia Roberts, meet Richard Geere.

7. Okay, nope. NO THANKS, RICHARD GEERE

Listen, pal. I get that you’re staying at the Beverly Wilshire, but are you seriously so embarrassed over Julia Roberts’ outfit that you’re going to make her wear your coat? And what’s up with everyone acting a fool just because she’s dressed scantily clad? SO MUCH SHAMING UP IN HERE. She could be a broker! A lawyer! A teacher! Someone who has an affinity for lycra! But right away they assume she’s a sex worker and treat her badly because of it. Get out of here, everyone. Also you, Richard Geere, because you’re perpetuating it what with your shushes and embarrassed looks. YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO HAVE JULIA ROBERTS HANG OUT WITH YOU. (In real life, I know you are lovely, Mr. Geere, and also a Buddhist, so please know I am only referring to your real name here because it’s more fun than “Edward.”)

8. Remember how awkward it is for Richard Geere, though, because he makes it awkward?

Remember that part? How he’s acting positively SHOCKED she has so many condoms? Like, CAN YOU IMAGINE a sex worker or an escort or a prostitute carrying CONDOMS? For the SEX? Good grief! But here’s the thing: he obviously just likes her. Like, wants-to-ask-her-on-a-date likes her. So that’s what he should’ve done! Asked her on a date! Been a HUMAN. But instead he propositions her, and when she tries to do her job, he’s like “Wait, no, we’re going to watch TV.” And she’s like, “Oh okay…?” And then when she gets comfortable in their new, casual, date-like environment, he changes it up. Again. Just to be confusing, I guess? This is the thing, Richard Geere: either explain the terms of the gig, or let her run the show, or just ask her on a date since you obviously like her to begin with. And for the love of all that is good, stop making digs at her profession, you’re being awful.

9. Hands up if you’re confused about why everyone is upset about the dental floss

MY HANDS ARE UP I’LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH. Why is she hiding it? It’s dental floss! Saying “I practise dental hygiene” isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. And remember when Edward gets SUPER upset and assumes she’s doing drugs because she doesn’t want to show him what’s in her hand? WHAT IF IT WAS A PRESCRIPTION, PAL. What if she had strep throat or something and didn’t want you to know. What if they were prayer beads or like, her Inception-inspired totem. So much drama! Then Vivian acts like she’s dumb because she cares about flossing? But it’s like, GIRL, YOU ARE NOT DUMB. You were made to feel that way by awful people. Now floss! Floss til your heart’s content!

10. Like, could Viv not have finished the episode, Ed?

Just maybe let her finish the scene that was making her laugh out loud, at least? Seriously it’s a 1950s sitcom. It would’ve lasted another minute AT MOST. But instead you interrupt that joy and prompt her to “get to work,” sort to speak. And like, cool, that’s her job, and that’s your agreement, but if it took you THIS long, then maybe wait another three minutes until Lucy and Ethel are done dancing on grapes?

Also, when Edward tells her he also doesn’t kiss on the mouth, don’t you wonder if maybe that’s why he has an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend? Because he wouldn’t kiss them?

11. I would personally like to state that I would be impressed by a gentleman who ordered me everything on the menu, breakfast-wise

I mean, Edward wouldn’t impress me (or you) because he shames Vivian almost every chance he gets, BUT like, say, you were being treated lovely by a really cool guy, and he ordered you ALL OF THE BREAKFAST. So basically, what I’m saying is, imagine you’re dating Ron Swanson. This is exactly what would happen. (“All the bacon and eggs you have.”) Wouldn’t that be a FREAKING dream.

12. What is UP with those sales clerks!

GET OUT OF HERE, WOMEN. You are wrong and acting terrible. Also, though, we all know that. And SECOND of all, is everyone else just hearing Romy and Michele in their heads right now? “I just love when they finally let her shop.” (SO DO WE, ROMY AND MICHELE. SO DO WE.)

13. BRIDGET, YOU HERO

I freaking love Bridget. That smile! That willingness to help! Her choice to be a wonderful human being! Why is Bridget the only other character I like in this movie other than Vivian? And okay, fine, the hotel guy A BIT, but remember when he tells Vivian she can’t come back into the hotel because she’s basically not good enough? SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, PAL. At least Bridget knows. Bridget gets it. I’m going to assume that Viv and Bridget formed a friendship of epic proportions after this movie ended.

14. Is Edward actually Don Draper?

In that he keeps calling the hotel even though he told her not to pick up the phone? Did you guys see that Mad Men? Because I can’t un-see it. You don’t treat Lindsay Weir that way, Jon Hamm! But also, weird: just like, don’t call if you don’t want her to pick up the phone?

ALSO, remember how Edward acts like he doesn’t recognize Vivian because she’s wearing fancy clothes? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. She’s always been beautiful! Did it really take a lace dress from the ’80s to cement that? I feel like the moral of this Old Lady Movie Night is that Richard Geere’s character is a fake white knight, and I can’t stop screaming, “She’s just poor (like all of us)! Not stupid!”

15. MONTAGE!

Set to Roy Orbison! Glorious! Though for the record, aside from the gorgeousness of her clothes and the 1940s influence, it must be stated that Vivian is beautiful the way she feels most comfortable. And if that was in her blonde wig, you go, girl. And if it’s cocktail dresses, that’s cool too. Basically, YOU DO YOU, GIRL. And that goes for all of us! *sobs* *then stops because there is LEGITIMATELY a Kenny G song playing when Vivian and Richard Geere hook up, and now she can’t stop laughing*

16. Shout-out to the My Fair Lady reference!

AKA the HORSE TRACK. And “Move your bloomin’ ass!” equivalent. But do you know what Henry Higgens did NOT do? He didn’t tell George Costanza that his date was a “hooker.” Like, who even ARE you, Richard Geere? You can just say she works at a freaking store, if you don’t want to get into specifics. Co-stanza (sung). [Insert every other Seinfeld reference here, including the bass notes]

17. WORSE THEN IT GETS WORSE

GEORGE COSTANZA, GO GET YOUR TOUPEE AND GET A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM ELAINE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. He’s TOUCHING her? He’s propositioning her? Like she’s not a human? Does anyone else want to scoop Vivian up and help her? But then at least Edward apologizes. I mean, he has a long way to go, but it’s a step in the right direction. A bigger step is him punching George Costanza in the face. The biggest step admitting that he needs to educate himself about sexism and rape culture and misogyny. (I assume that’s in the sequel, though.)

18. She’s right though: “The bad stuff is easier to believe”

YOU DID IT, GARRY MARSHALL. That is a real and a good line, and awful in that it is true. Don’t you hate that? Why DO we believe all the bad stufF? We don’t need to do that! We deserve the opposite of that! We deserve only good self esteem, and when someone says “you’re smart” or “you’re beautiful,” we should believe it as opposed to trying to argue otherwise. So damn it, YOU GUYS ARE SMART AND BEAUTIFUL. And also, remember when Richard Geere keeps sitting in places up high because he’s obsessed with being the best? #Esteem #I #Guess #?

19. But can you imagine how confusing this would be for Viv IRL

Honestly, like, she gets to escape this really crummy situation (a.k.a. her roommate, who is addicted to drugs will not get help and is spending her money, but Viv will be homeless without her — like, that’s literally the first problem), and then after that, she gets a week of dealing with, well, I mean, backhanded compliments and being treated still not-so-well (yet still, better than she was being treated before — like, she almost brawled in the alley with some horrible drug dealers), BUT then it has to end? OR it doesn’t have to, but he’s “putting you up” in a condo instead of like, building towards goals with you as a couple/partnership? I don’t know. This would be too much. I would hate this. I would probably just live on an ice floe. Surrounded by polar bears and the narwhal that says to Buddy in Elf, “Bye, Buddy! Hope you find your dad!”

Cos-STANZA [sung]

20. But ROXETTE

GET OUT OF HERE, ANY OTHER SONG. This is the song that truly matters. In history. Over time. I don’t even really know what it means, but I can’t 100% make sense of the lyrics, but AHHHH you are a fool if you don’t hear it and want to pump your fist in the air while thinking, “LIFE. SUCESS. ADULTHOOD.” because this is EXACTLY the song for those thoughts.

Also, can we please talk about how Kit and Vivian are TRUE BLUE WONDERFUL FRIENDS? “Take care of you.” If anything, this movie is about two friends who GET IT. Sisters. Friends. Sister-friends. When Kit and Viv say goodbye it is all I can do not to curl up, weep, and quote every line from Now & Then (another perfect movie about friendship). And now Kit’s going to beauty school, and Viv… well, let’s assume she goes into social work and/or psychology and/or something equally great because

SHE

CAN

GET

IT*

*Her life’s goals, obviously. #TeamViv

The post Old Lady Movie Night: “Pretty Woman” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Erin wrote about The Craft because it is great. And while I thought, “Ah I’ll never write about this, I think it’s too dark.” But I’m confident we’ve all grown enough together to embrace all types of fil-ims because damn it, we’re women. We’ve seen it all. Or some. We’ve seen enough, basically. (How’s that? Okay? I just want everyone to be included here.) Also, Erin and I are legit pals, so I now realize she won’t think I’m stealing her material. (Because I’m not.) (Imagine, though? Like, how would I even come back from that?) (I wouldn’t. I’d move onto an ice floe.)

So let’s do this now. Let’s watch The Craft because I’m in the mood to feel magical and terrified, and also, I don’t think anyone wants to sit through six hours of the BBC Pride and Prejudice even though FYI I will gladly write about it whenever you need/want me to. I AM HERE FOR YOU GUYS. #forever

Now. Shall we begin?

1. I wasn’t allowed to see this movie growing up, and also I reported my best friend for “devil worshipping” because of it

Oh boy. Well I’ve told you how cool I wasn’t, but let’s add grade seven tattle-tale into the mix for effect. See, three girls (one being now one of my best friends) at my Catholic elementary school LOVED The Craft. And they loved magic, and they loved spells, and I, having no friends, and also having a horrible misunderstanding of “the craft,” told on them for doing spells at school. Specifically, I told our grade seven teacher they were doing “devil worship.” (They were not.) Needless to say, they got in a lot of trouble, and my friend’s mom’s Wicca book almost got confiscated which would’ve been especially bad since her mom told her she COULDN’T bring it to school in the first place.

The good news is, everyone survived (and also, I have educated myself). The funnier news is I only told my friend it was me about two years ago, and she was horrified and also hated me for about ten minutes because of it.

2. Seriously, I want to shout “THE ’90S!” during every scene

And I’m two minutes in. A cab just pulled up, and it looks like the cars in my neighbourhood from that era (sort of), and I am probably going to end up freaking my cat out by how often I shout “the ’90s!” during the next 90 minutes. #90s #90 #cool

3. The thing is, Nancy Downs was pretty rad 

Aside from having obvious homicidal tendencies as the movie goes on. But say she’d channeled those (or anything) into, maybe, art. Don’t you think she would’ve been the most cool 20-something our world has ever seen? I MEAN, YES. She really lost her mind in the criminal sense of the word. But when she first walks down the hall at the beginning? It’s like, “OKAY YES, NANCY, WE GET IT. YOU ARE COOL.” (Louis Peitzman at Buzzfeed actually did a great piece on this, and yes, I may be 27, but I am absolutely going to bookmark it for when I need Nancy-inspired life advice.)

4. “You are going to play the same character in every film, okay Breckin Meyer?” – the ’90s

First Clueless, then The Craft. I blame the hair, Mr. Meyer. But I don’t blame you — because every boy had that hair in the ’90s, and if they didn’t, none of us knew what to do about it. (At least not me, whose heart was CRUSHED when the guy I liked in grade eight cut his Leonardo DiCaprio-esque hair on grad picture day and wore it in a Caesar. A CAESAR.)

Too much. Let’s please move on.

5. Ugh, but no wonder Nancy, Bonnie, and Rochelle don’t like anyone — it’s rumour central up in there

You know, popular guy talking to Sarah, maaaaaybe lay off the rumours about the “bitches of Eastwick” to get Sarah to like you. WE GET IT. THOSE GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT. But he’s throwing around words like “slut” and talking about burn marks, and he’s never confirmed either, and also AIN’T NONE OF YO BUSINESS. Who is this guy? Every dude from the town I grew up in? I say good day, sir. I mean, again, true, Nancy gets super scary (and seems to intimidate even her friends). But she’s just trying to figure it out! Because AREN’T WE ALL, POPULAR GUY WHOSE NAME I CHOOSE TO OMIT. AREN’T WE ALL.

6. Also, remember how he invites her to football practice and then Sarah goes?!

UGHHH I DID THIS. That’s why I  feel so “Nooooo!” about everything. First, he’s all “What are you doing after school? Oh, I’m busy — you can WATCH ME PLAY FOOTBALL” and then he just walks away like he really thinks he’s something special. Buddy, I’ve got news for you: it does not get better.

But this is the worst part: SHE GOES. Oh Sarah, no! Run! This was like when the guy I liked all through high school skateboarded and I just sat there. Watching him and his friends skateboard. And when I asked to, they said I was a poser. IS SARAH A POSER TOO, POPULAR GUY? No. She is a witch. And that is amazing. YOU ARE DISMISSED, SON.

7. Then Nancy, Bonnie, and Rochelle have Sarah’s back!

And yes, no, I know this all ends in a disaster I KNOW THAT. But can we please just give it up for them warning her against him? That is what sisterhood is all about, you guys. And not even in this capacity, because their friend group needs a little help, but just in life. Have your friends’ backs in terms of guys who aren’t good.

8. Who steals from an occult shop, though

I’ll tell you who: people who are not using their heads. You don’t steal period, but you REALLY don’t steal from a store that contains powerful items! I mean, come on. Way to be caught by the owner, Sarah, because you have avoided having the day rued. (Is that a thing?) But can we also talk about stealing in general? Because when I was in high school (everyone falls asleep and cries out of boredom), EVERYONE STOLE. I hated going to the mall because oh my word just SO MUCH STEALING. I was too afraid because I knew my parents would probably disown me (or cry — which I think is worse), but everyone else! So I stopped going shopping because I’d seen that episode of The Simpsons one too many times, thanks. (And when I worked at American Eagle and saw teens steal I would instill the fear of whatever power that be into them. Because come on, guys. I just folded those jeans.)

9. GO TO BED, POPULAR CHRIS

UGHHHHH THAT GUY. SKEET ULRCIH WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE. Also, Christine Taylor, why are YOU being a monster? Like, not even just a sad teenage girl, but an actual garbage person. But shout-out to Rochelle being an adult and asking her what the problem is — even though the answer is actually racist beyond all reason. This school is terrible! I hate this school! Why can’t everyone just act like kind humans? JUST BE KIND HUMANS OR EVEN JUST HUMANS IN GENERAL, PLEASE.

10. And we totally can’t blame Nancy for being a troubled person

Now that we’ve gotten a glimpse into her personal life, NO WONDER she is struggling and unable to deal with her moods and emotions. The girl needs to be taken out of that leaky shack pronto. Did we all feel this way upon seeing The Craft for the first time? To be honest, I’ve only seen it twice and I wasn’t paying as much attention as I am now, so I feel like I missed the sympathy you’re supposed to be feeling. But now? ALL THE SYMPATHY. Girlfriend, keep going! I would like to say. Because man alive, you’ll graduate soon, and YOU WILL BE FREE. (Cue: George Michael’s “Freedom,” the only appropriate song ever. Also, maybe “America” by Simon and Garfunkel, but that’s because Fairuza Balk was in Almost Famous too.)

The post Old Lady Movie Night: “The Craft” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Well, yes. And obviously that happened with me and The Virgin Suicides because I like to make things difficult for both me and those I love. I only saw this movie about six years ago, which is, frankly, a disgrace. Thus, here we are today, mourning my ridiculousness for not writing about it sooner, BUT ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE WAY. I mean, technically, isn’t that what happened with The Parent Trap and Girl, Interrupted too? (Yes.) And just wait until we finally make it to Richie Rich — because you don’t even KNOW regret until I type-weep about taking over a year and a half to watch Macaulay Culkin rule the cinema.

So let’s do this. First, let’s all promise to listen to the soundtrack for days on end after we’re done talking about what a good movie this is, and also, to never ground our children indefinitely over a school dance.

1. But seriously, and I know I said this when we watched Girl, Interrupted but if you need help, get help

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I’m being that naggy babysitter/aunt/mom-person, but look. We watch movies about depression and mental disorders and in this case actual suicide, so the condition upon writing about them is that I am absolutely going to extend the “if you need to talk,” talk. Seriously. You can even talk to me! Or a person you know and trust. Just don’t sit on self-destructive thoughts and hope they’ll go away because they tend to do the opposite. But I promise if you talk about it, things get better. And I know you know that, but if I don’t tell you, I will feel like the worst Old Lady on earth. So word to the wise: the hardest part about getting help is saying you need help. And again, I know you know that, but I am telling you anyway.

2. Meanwhile, the soundtrack to this movie is perfect, and it also looks beautiful

Two things! We’ve got lots of Air making music, and we’ve got Sofia Coppola knowing how to make LOVELY GORGEOUS MOVING PICTURES. I mean, my god. Am I right? Do you not want to just photograph this movie and put it in a frame? Absolutely you do. We all do! IT’S JUST FILMED SO MAJESTICALLY.

3. Ugh, but this is so indicative of the way neighbours/other people gossip

Am I right? KEEP YOUR OPINIONS ON THE LISBON GIRLS TO YOURSELF, NEIGHBOURS. Or, as Salt-n-Pepa would say it: IT AIN’T NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Though I will say that there is someone from high school moving in next door to me, and I am TERRIFIED because I just don’t want anyone I know up in my grill. Even though my life is writing and/or going to see friends, it’s just TOO CLOSE. I should just copy and paste the above sentiment and tape it to the mailbox juuuuust in case. Or just a picture of Salt-n-Pepa.

4. Kathleen Turner, I love you, but you will always be Chandler’s dad

Just always. And that’s a compliment because Chandler’s dad was the greatest dad this side of the TV. (Or is it that side of the TV?) EITHER WAY. Gold and triumph. Also, the best voice in town coupled with WHAT AN ACTRESS. Though in this movie, I would really love to help her hair. (But I’m sure she knows that because she is an actress and this is a movie and she was in costume, and also when this movie came out I was 13 and I legitimately kind of looked like Leonardo DiCaprio.) (My eyebrows. It was just… there was just a lot going on.)

5. And remember how awkward Peter is?

Though obviously even though I was (calculates age) 21 when I saw this movie for the first time, I could still appreciate the babe factor that is Peter. HOWEVER, let’s have a moment to talk about how awkward this dinner is!

The post Old Lady Movie Night: “The Virgin Suicides” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

REJOICE, ALL. Released as an e-book, the story of 15-year-old art prodigy Indigo Hamlisch and her last summer at Silver Springs Fine & Performing Arts Camp for Girls is everything teen summers are made of — or at the very least, what some of us suburban-dwellers imagined teen summers to be like (when we’d hang out in parking lots eating fries and drinking terrible-tasting vodka coolers wearing fake leather pants).

Between dreams of Broadway and Julliard, adventures and misadventures with her BFF, Lucy, and the crush she has on older art instructor named Nick (as well as whether he and Lucy will hook up this summer), Indigo also works to figure out who she is and what she wants, like all of us do (did, and are still doing).

But what’s especially great about Art Girls Are Easy is that like I Don’t Care About Your Band, Klausner writes like a best friend; like you’re hearing a story from a cool, older sister. That, and despite any age difference between you and Indigo, she’s written as someone you can relate to. She’s a three-dimensional character, who, while entertaining, is still obviously human; a real girl you champion. Someone either like you, or like someone you know. (While still uniquely herself.)

Personally, I’m so happy Julie Klausner has delved into the YA genre since we need more characters like Indy. And whether reading it as a teen or as an adult, Art Girls Are Easy is a must-read this summer. (Which, naturally, should be followed up with many episodes of How Was Your Week?)

The post Item of the Day: Julie Klausner’s “Art Girls Are Easy” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Which is why we’re going to watch something equally so. It’s warm now, dreams of summer camp are dancing in our heads (not mine actually because I never went), and we can bask in the soft glow of nostalgia as dogs bark outside my house and 1900 children scream at the top of their lungs about stickball or whatever it is they’re playing. So an appropriate movie beckons. Enter: The Parent Trap, and the fact that this column began because I already wrote about it.

Long ago, that is. Before Old Lady Movie Night, and before I truly understood the weight of judging a fil-im by its content. I wrote in point form about it on my own blog, and that blog birthed what we have today. It was different, it was shorter, it was broken down in a one-sentence-like structure-thing, and I have been dying to write about that movie ever since. Young Lilo, you guys. Young Dennis Quaid. Perfect Natasha Richardson.

So let’s begin. Let’s learn the secret handshake, and let’s live vicariously through everyone’s wardrobe, and let’s not dwell too much on the fact that I bought the soundtrack when I was 13 because I believed I could be as cool as Hailey** and Annie. Like that song “Never Let You Go” would do that*.

*It did. Or at least that’s what I tell myself every day when I listen to it. Lowenstein. Lowenstein. (My name is Zweig.)

**I know it’s Haley. But I learned that way too late, so just pretend that’s what I’ve written because you guys, I made a mistake.

1. First and foremost, are you kidding me these parents didn’t tell their TWIN GIRLS about each other?

Because honestly? That is messed up. That is seriously the stuff that post-traumatic dreams are made of. And okay WE GET IT. You had a whirlwind relationship and hated each other because you fought over something like a hairdryer being thrown, but instead of saying, “Okay, we had kids, and now we must be adults” THEY LIE BY OMISSION. Is it bad I don’t think I’d forgive my parents for that? Like, maybe in ten years we’d laugh about the adventure at hand, but during, I think we’d have to have a lot of family meetings with counsellor supervision. Like, why could you not tell me? Why couldn’t you just say, “Hey, you have a mother/father. And here’s how it went down, and also you have a sibling.” WHAT IF SOMEBODY NEEDED A KIDNEY.

2. Did anyone go to camp? Was it this fun? Because it looks amazing

I was afraid of camp and other children and staying away for days at a time, so camp wasn’t exactly a go-to summer plan for ye olde Donahue family. BUT watching this was LIKE camp, am I right? Was it just filled with fun times and cool people and counsellors who cared but also made terrible decisions (which we’ll get to later)? Was there also a random kid who was a boy that got sent to a girls’ camp by accident? Do you think that boy eventually had to confront his obviously inept parents about an incredibly confusing mistake? Do you think it was a mistake like that which led to him realizing his parents clearly could not read as “girls camp” was not something that registered with them? Do you think any of these counsellors came from the camp in Wet Hot American Summer?

3. Lindsay Lohan is perfect in this SHE IS PERFECT

First, I would still like her haircut, and it is partially the reason why I cut my own hair (see also: poverty); second, THAT ACCENT. How?! Sometimes I will try to speak British (alone) to see if I can carry it off, and please let the record state that I cannot and also that it is a travesty. Meanwhile, she’s 11 and sounding equally as legit as Gwyneth Paltrow. WHATEVER, LINDS. Also, she’s a genuinely good actress! She played Annie and Hailey well! And by “well” I mean “perfect.” So here is me saying Lindsay Lohan, will you make a Parent Trap 2? Or at least teach us all the secret handshake.

4. Speaking of the secret handshake … WOW

That probably took a lot of time. I say this because like you, I also tried to learn the handshake, and again like you (lie to me if this is not like you), I failed at it miserably. Maybe because my best friend did not want to partake in it. Maybe because even my friendless self didn’t have the time. Maybe even because HOW DID THIS HANDSHAKE BEGIN. Were they stuck in traffic and/or a place which left them choreographing a dance? I bet they could’ve performed this during the Wet Hot American Summer showcase to roaring applause — and Amy Poehler’s character would’ve loved it.

5. How did no one notice that they were twins, though

HOW. I notice if someone kind of looks like someone I met at a variety store. How did no one notice THESE IDENTICAL BEINGS. But more importantly: why did they hate each other? Wouldn’t you assume right away that you met your long lost twin and that you were destined to be best friend? Have I just watched too many movies? Perhaps. But perhaps even more, odds are they would put two and two together and think, “Wow I only have a mom and I only have a dad, I think we are twins.” And then we could’ve spared the drams. Not that it doesn’t TOTALLY RULE though, because it does, and this movie is flawless. #flawless

6. I just feel weird about Hailey making Annie jump into the lake naked and then stealing her clothes

And I say this as a former teenage girl whose psyche would’ve been DESTROYED after something like that. RIGHT? I mean, I’m 27 now and I think my psyche would STILL be destroyed after something like that. Only for whole new reasons starting with: who are these people that let these other people steal my clothes?

6. b) How did they get the furniture on the roof? Where did they get all the tools for the giant huge prank with goo and stuff?

#QUESTIONS but …#STILL #FLAWLESS

7. And then the two enemies get sent to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, completely unsupervised

This really could’ve gone one of two ways. The first: what we see happen. The second: an actual horror film. Why wouldn’t they just send them home? Or … just made them clean things? Instead, they are sequestered. Atop a hill. Where Annie is forced to come to terms with not knowing who Leonardo DiCaprio is. (LIES ANNIE YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHO HE IS EVERYONE KNOWS WHO HE IS EVEN BABIES WHO WON’T BE BORN UNTIL NEXT YEAR KNOW WHO HE IS.)

Okay but now they just realized they’re twins, and now I’m basically weeping. #FLAWLESS #!!!!!!

Though, never forget:

8. Oh and by the way HAILEY AND ANNIE ARE GENIUSES NOW

You know how I would’ve handled this? “Mom, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about Dad — I just met my twin. We’re going to have a big talk about this.” INSTEAD, they do the full switch, and Hailey gives Annie the best haircut ever. And then pierces her ears, which actually seems like the most terrifying thing. Also, I never would’ve thought to use an apple, proving I really would be the worst person to try and pull anything like this off.

9. What we talk about when we talk about Natasha Richardson

We talk about the fact that she was even more flawless than this movie, and that she was the ultimate mom in this and AHHH I love her, and I love her character, and we all love Natasha Richardson, obviously, as she is also a Redgrave a.k.a. from the greatest family of all. Also, remember how amazing her apartment is in this movie? And how every TV/movie mom should be like her minus not telling their child about their secret sibling? Yes. We all remember. I seriously want to sob through every scene she does because SHE WAS THE BEST.

10. Guys, I don’t think Meredith is really that bad…?

I mean, no one — NO ONE — is Natasha Richardson, but Meredith is just doing her (like Drake says). You know? I KNOW. We shouldn’t like her, BUT she’s just living her life! And maybe she DOES like Dennis Quaid! We don’t know! She’s career driven and yeah, fine, she lies to that guy on the phone, but Annie just sets her up to fail, and Dennis Quaid is confused, and Jessie doesn’t like her… but I just can’t hate Meredith. I’m sorry. Part of me thinks I would want to send Annie to boarding school too if she kept splashing me from the pool and making me feel horrible. And also, like, they full-on treat her terribly during the camping trip. And for all we know, Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson could’ve met in person and thought, “Oh yeah, no — there is nothing here” when that happened. WE DON’T KNOW. Anyway. Meredith is also played by Lisa Looter from Romy and Michele, so I think we all need to take a sip of our favourite beverages in honour of that.

11. But Jessie does rule, though

I  kind of also wanted to be Jessie, who is just so smart and funny. And can we please talk about her hooking up with Natasha Richardson’s butler? Because YES. THAT IS HOW THINGS ARE DONE. (Particularly in movies I have loved since I was 12.)

12. Seriously, though, as if Meredith and Dennis Quaid get engaged after EIGHT WEEKS

EIGHT WEEKS, YOU GUYS. Like, that’s a bit much considering Hailey hasn’t even MET HER, and she’s only had her dad for the last 11 years. Do we not proceed with caution here? Should there maybe be an introductory dinner first? A few afternoons out? Absolutely not, “Hey we’re getting married — you cool?” without a consultation in the slightest. I feel like I’d give my friends more warning than Dennis gives his TEENAGE DAUGHTER. Like, at least more than a poolside meeting, Dennis. AT LEAST A BRUNCH… regularly, for a while.

So maybe we shouldn’t hate Meredith, we should just be angry with Dennis for making terrible choices.

13. Okay, but Meredith really also handles this terribly

Who would yell at the kid of the guy you’re going to marry?! WHO? Also, she threatens her! ALSO, remember when they’re getting married in two weeks? WHAT IS THE RUSH. WHY. So maybe Meredith needs to check herself. And Dennis needs to slow it down. And we all just need to move in with Natasha Richardson and Granddad and bring Jessie with us.

14. Martin is a mega babe

NOT TO OBJECTIFY, but Martin the Butler is a mega-babe of glorious levels, and I don’t even care who knows it. The charm! The raising of the one eyebrow! The British accent! IT’S ALL THERE. Minus the Speedo, though, which I think should be worn by nobody. In its place, anything else, actually. (Except cargo shorts.)

15. “Have you seen your father?” – “You talkin’ to me?”

Did anyone else want to be exactly as cool as Lindsay Lohan was in this moment? Guys, I wanted her clothes, her hair, and her comedic timing more than I can describe in these sentences. And yes, I still try to assert “You talkin’ to me” when I can. And no, it never goes as smoothly as this.

16. See, though, the fact that Dennis Quaid gets so mesmerized by Natasha Richardson is an indicator he shouldn’t marry Meredith on principle

Like, even if Meredith was the greatest human to grace the earth, the fact that he FALLS IN A POOL when he sees Natasha Richardson implies that he has strong feelings for Natasha Richardson. Call me old fashioned, but you shouldn’t feel super warm, fuzzy, and “AHHH I LOVE HER”  when you see your ex-wife, Dennis Quaid. JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE.

16. b) Also, what the hell, Dennis Quaid? You didn’t tell your fiance about your OTHER KID?

Now, see that’s a dealbreaker. That would be when I tell my fiance that it’s probaaaaaably not going to work out because he lied (BY OMISSION) about something very important like, say, a secret child. I mean, it’s not like he lied about not liking hotdogs. And now he’s hanging with his ex wife and hey! That’s awesome and cool and we love it! But yeah, no. NOT GONNA WORK OUT. Fair thee well, TIME TO GO.

17. But how dare Natasha Richardson and Dennis Quaid not just make out and drink wine the rest of this movie

Right?! WE KNOW THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. And again, we are all Kathy Geiss:

Kiss.

KISS.

KISS!

Fortunately, they do. Later. TOO MANY EONS after they spend an evening on a boat, and almost kiss in a wine cellar. But still. It happens. WE GET OUR REWARD.

18. The camping trip seems like a nightmare

All of it. Like, actually every aspect of the trip seems terrible. First, Meredith is actually starting to really grate on me. I mean, she’s got every right to be upset, but she’s yelling a lot? (BREAK UP, MEREDITH AND DENNIS.) But then Hailey and Annie are literally sadists and put lizards on her head and rocks in her bag, and give her sugar water? And then put her on a mattress that sets sail into the lake? Why wouldn’t Meredith just say “Hey, I’m not a camper.” And Dennis Quaid say, “That’s valid — I’m in love with my ex wife.” And then the KISS KISS KISS would happen so much sooner. #Thoughts

19. And then Dennis is all, “I HAVE EVERY BOTTLE EVER MADE” of the fancy wedding wine

Correct, Dennis. This is how it’s done. This is the way romance works. COLLECT THE BOTTLES. All of them and then drink them with Natasha Richardson and make all of our dreams come true. I mean come on. WHY WOULD YOU NOT KISS THEN, YOU GUYS. Also, remember how we all cry during the part where it’s raining and Annie and Natasha Richardson leave for London and “Every Time We Say Goodbye” plays and IT IS TOO MUCH*.

*Beautiful. IT IS TOO BEAUTIFUL.

20. AND THEN EVERYTHING WORKS OUT 

Oh my GOD, I love this movie. I don’t even care. I DON’T CARE THAT I AM 27 AND THIS IS A DISNEY FILM. It is perfect and #flawless and #everything #great. (#hashtags) Can more movies like this be made, please? Are we all crying? Can we please split a bottle of whatever wine it is they keep referring to? I WANT TO HUG EVERYONE. Also let’s please bask in the moral of the story: teen girls can do anything they set their minds to. And if you don’t take that life lesson and put it in your pocket, then FINE I GUESS WE’LL JUST WATCH IT AGAIN.

Flawless.

The post Old Lady Movie NIght: “The Parent Trap” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

Yes. We do. We do have those things. And because we have those things, I am going to do what I have waited far too long to do: I am going to watch Heathers. Because I wasn’t allowed to watch it when I was a kid, and nobody I know watched it as a teen, and then in my 20s I was neglectful UNTIL NOW. So this is an Old Lady Movie Night extravaganza: I am going to watch a movie for the first time and write about it whilst I watch.

CAN YOU DIG IT? ARE YOU DIGGING IT? DO YOU REQUIRE A SHOVEL? NO? BECAUSE I THE SHOVEL IS HYPOTHETICAL? GRAVY.

Let’s roll.

1. Well, right off the bat I can tell you that I would hate being popular in the 1980s

Everybody knows that Ally Sheedy’s and Judd Nelson’s clothes were the best in The Breakfast Club, and while this movie takes place four years later, it still paints the picture of the “popular” and/or “cool” people dressing the worst. Am I wrong? No, I’m not. That was a trick question. For you see, scrunched up hair in scrunchies worn with oversize blazers will never, ever come close to what Winona Ryder wears on the Netflix movie poster. (I think it’s a t-shirt?) (I’ll get back to you on this, maybe.) Even though, let’s be honest, Shannon Doherty could probably pull off wearing a Northern Getaway pink sweatsuit that a certain writer wore in grade seven, thinking she was “the bomb.”

2. I tried to play croquet once

Which I’m not sure has much to do with the movie (spoiler alert: IT DOES), but I just feel that if we’re supposed to be sharing, you should know that my neighbours had a croquet set, and we’d set it up in our collective backyard (no fence), and fail miserably and break the sticks. My grandparents also had a set, and we did NOT break the sticks, but I think my grandpa got over putting the wires in the ground pretty quick. As did my nana, who got over me trying to play it in the house an equal amount. None of us had a Winona Ryder head. GREAT STORY, RIGHT? Carry on.

3. “What is your damage, Heather?”

This line should actually be in every movie ever made (and yes, I have heard it before THANK YOU VERY MUCH).

4. The Plastics > The Heathers

AM I RIGHT (yes) or AM I RIGHT (absolutely). First, because The Plastics are mean, but they’re not Heather mean. And second, The Plastics eventually learn to act like human beings. I feel like these Heathers are the devil…? As in, the devil split into three things and formed girls named Heather? Also what a coincidence that their names are all Heather. I tell ya. The ’80s, you guys.

5. Also, Christian Slater, hello, how are you

And that would be my 1980s crush if I were aware of how to have crushes in the 1980s. (It was 1990 when I had my first crush on a guy named Peter on my bus. He was also five. He smiled at me. It was magical.) Because right?! THOSE EYES. THE EYEBROWS. HIS EARRING I THINK (I’m not sure). You’ve done a good job, Christian Slater’s parents. Your genes were a gift to us all. (Not to objectify you, Christian Slater. But thank you for your role in Heathers.)

6. But seriously I don’t understand being so mean?

They’re SO MEAN. That poor girl with the note! Why would they do that?! And they think it’s funny?! I’m so confused and I feel so bad. And this is a movie, and it’s old, and everyone in it is an actor. BUT STILL. I feel genuinely sad. And why isn’t Veronica standing up to Heather? I mean, okay, fine, when I was a teen I absolutely would’ve done whatever this one girl had said because she was “so popular” and “so cool.” (Usually that just meant …well, that group ditched me, and we stopped hanging out.) But RIGHT MY WRONGS, WINONA RYDER. Write all of our wrongs.*

*I have absolutely no idea what that actually means.

7. SMOOTH MOVES IN THE 7-11

As in I now want to be in high school and date Christian Slater? Though not necessarily his character, because the gun thing understandably is a no-go. Also, AMEN, CHRISTIAN. (She SHOULD get new friends.)

7. b) BUT NO I hate these college guys

I hate them, and I hate he said “I can’t help myself” and I hate that they’re STILL AROUND TODAY. Not to get heavy, but I think we can recognize that they’re garbage people.

8. Okay, but wait Christian Slater’s character is actually a psycho?

Because he’s actually talking about killing a person? And knows how to do it? What? And Winona, WHY ARE YOU GOING ALONG WITH IT. I mean, yes, Heather is basically a minion, but she’s just a person who’s obviously struggling with … a lot? A lack of compassion, mainly, and also any awareness whatsoever? But death, no. NEVER DEATH. This isn’t really Veronica’s fault, either, it’s Christian Slater’s, who … wow. Well, there are a lot of think pieces to write about his character, I am sure.

9. I take back everything I said about clothes

It was jarring at first, I won’t lie to you. But now? Now I want only to wear patterns and overalls and everything you see in the hour something-long fil-im. I was wrong. I was so wrong. And I can’t tell you how wrong I was. (But you already know. You already know.)

10. And these high school guys, WHAT THE HELL

Seriously, though. Does anyone else not want to reach into the screen and say WHY ARE YOU BULLYING THE SMART KIDS. And another one for WHY ARE YOU TIPPING OVER THOSE POOR COWS. I know it’s a movie. I know that. And I know that I eat beef. But it still upsets me. Because I am someone who gets irrationally upset/is overly sensitive over cows.

But what is not irrational? My hate for these bullying, sexist d-bags. How did you guys process this when you were younger? Right now I’m ready to toss my laptop into the sea.

11. No, but seriously, how did you guys process this?

Because I feel conflicted. Right now, Christian Slater and Veronica are going to seek revenge on those two terrible jocks. And honestly? I understand their angle. BUT AH. There’s so much more than that! How did you do it? It’s all I can do right now not to be like “Yes, but there’s a systemic problem and those guys have been raised in a sexist environment, and they need to be educated!!!” and look I just did it. I know this movie is also about reclamation, but SO MANY FEELINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. One being:

12. Christian Slater is the new Heather in Winona’s life

HE IS JUST ANOTHER HEATHER, TELLING HER WHAT TO DO. And did he just burn her hand with his cigarette? WHY.

13. Christian Slater is also like his dad…?

Who is a sociopath. Though I will say that this movie is great. I’m not kidding. It does exactly what movies should do: it makes you think. Now we find out that Christian Slater’s mom killed herself in one of her dad’s bombings? AND NOW HE KEPT KISSING VERONICA WHEN SHE WANTED TO GET AWAY? Christian Slater is out of his mind. He is out of his mind, and listen, Winona, you can come stay at my house until we get enough of a case to take something to the cops. WE CAN BEAT THIS THING.

14. But imagine some guy just went up to you and was like, “I have these photos of you and don’t worry — just be the girl who died, and no one will see them.”

WHAT. No! No, Shannon Doherty! Why? Also, maybe we don’t wear her hair bow. Or maybe we do. I don’t know. I mean, I wear my Nana’s watch and she passed away, but that was different? Also, my grandpa gave it to me? Not some creepy guy in the science lab of my high school. (“Here you go, Anne.” – “How did you get this?” – “Don’t worry about it. Just be popular.” – “Sure!”)

15. “All we want is to be treated like human beings!”

YOU GO, GIRL. Also, remember when Veronica was referred to by her mom as “voice of a generation”? I’m going to assume Lena Dunham was nodding to that when she wrote that wonderful line because OF COURSE. Dunham knows her pop culture, and also, it would make so much glorious sense.

16. #WISDOM

“If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be human, you’d be a game show host.” THIS. IS. GOLD. Literal gold. It is actually a realization I think we all have to come to despite our rational brains knowing better. But still. This movie, everyone. I probably would’ve liked it a lot in my teens. I mean, I like it now, but now I’m not in high school, so if something like this were happening, I would be like, “wait, why am I hanging out with people in high school and why is everyone named Heather.”

17. Okay but Veronica is totally screwed, you guys

WHAT CAN SHE DO. Christian Slater is obviously threatening her, but she can’t go to her parents or the police or you KNOW he’ll say that she was responsible for murdering everyone. HOW DO YOU EVEN DEAL. Easy: I would move. I don’t know where, but I do know that I would change my name and also probably join witness protection. Wait — is there any possibility that she’s making Christian Slater up? Keep in mind I’ve never seen this before, so let me ask this honestly: IS CHRISTIAN SLATER REAL.

18. He IS real!

And also INSANE. Actually. Was he the love object of any of you? “Love object.” I don’t know. Winona’s faking her death, and the school signed some sort of suicide pact, and Christian Slater, no. We are done with you. (Your character.) That’s it. (Again, your character. I’m sure in real life you are quite a nice man.)

19. Also, “get a job” is a fun thing to scream from cars

Because I was the worst at age 16-17, my friends and I thought it’d be funny to scream “get a job!” at people while we drove around. At night. In like, a neighbourhood. And usually when it made zero sense. Like, to another teenager. Or to a couple making out. I wish I had said it to a teacher like Veronica just did, but no real teachers would’ve deserved that. Neither did any of those other people, come to think of it, but I will say this: at least we were not saying anything worse. (I mean, literally. “Get a job” to someone our own age on a Saturday was about it — and I’m 99% sure we were too far away from actual people to have them hear us.)

20. As for THE ENDING

Well that’s a wow mixed with a woah. Did anyone see that coming? No? Me neither? Why am I still using question marks? Because I’m in shock? Yes. But we said NO MORE CHRISTIAN SLATER’S CHARACTER. (Though is no one going to question Veronica who just witnessed his death? And will she just always remain free of blame in terms of the murders? I guess, right? Okay.)

So instead, Martha and Veronica are friends. And people are going to start being kind. AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, rented videos and popcorn > prom. (At least based on my experiences.) (But if you can combine the two for an ultimate type of extravaganza, then go forth, my loves. Go forth.) I liked this movie very much.

Que sera sera.

The post Old Lady Movie Night: “Heathers” appeared first on HelloGiggles.

So obviously she deserves her own documentary which, THANK ALL OF THE LORDS AND LADIES, is happening. According to the Huffington Post, Nora Ephron’s son, Jacob Bernstein, will be at the helm for Everything Is Copy, a documentary about the writer, for HBO. Produced by Matt Parker and Carly Hugo — with Vanity Fair’s Graydon Carter as executive producer — this will most obviously be a glorious work. Especially since it’s been almost a year (June 2012) since she passed away at age 71, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts.

Because here’s the thing (she said, stretching her hands out before going H.A.M. on this keyboard): Nora Ephron did what terrific, extraordinary writers do. Whether through her films or through her essays, she managed to breathe the kind of life into words most of us didn’t know could exist. Her anecdotes came alive. Her characters seemed like friends. And behind all her work — her plays, her movies, her books, you name it — you could feel the warmth of a woman who really loved what she did; of a person who put feeling into every letter. You can tell when a writer is writing to write, and when another does it because it’s a part of who they are. Nora was not only the latter, but let us come with her on every adventure — which is why, 10 monts after her death, we still tear up when we remember she’s gone.

What’s even more exciting about this documentary is that through it (and yes selfishly), we can say goodbye. We can appreciate her work in whole new ways while also getting a type of closure most fans are never privy too. And understandably — death is a private, personal event, and it isn’t for anyone but who the person dying chooses to include. But while that was not something for us to share in, we can share in Nora Ephron’s work, her accomplishments, her family, and her wonderfulness as a person. We were to share in Nora Ephron’s talents, and we’re luckier still to be given this.

Now go pick up some daisies, the friendliest flower.

The post Let Us Rejoice: The Nora Ephron Documentary Is (Reportedly) Happening! appeared first on HelloGiggles.