Sadly, many of us believe that the next man, car, job, house, lipstick or cream cake will be the thing that makes us happy, and it never is. Our happiness is always fleeting because we see a redder lipstick, a kinder man, a faster car, or a more bling handbag, leading us to a state of dissatisfaction with what we currently have. So whilst our massive consumer choice may at first appear to be a blessing, if viewed through delusional eyes, it becomes a curse. We lose our gratefulness and in turn we become gradually more bitter, our life taking on a sour aftertaste.

When writing my book, The High Heeled Guide to Enlightenment, I fell in love with Buddhist philosophy on this topic. I adore Buddhism because Buddhists firmly believe that ‘delusion’, leads to an unhealthy state of mind, and Buddhist philosophy shows us how to counter that and return our mojo! Buddhism examines how and why we hang the idea of our happiness on what we could have, or what might happen. Buddha’s teachings show that by doing this we easily forget what we do have. We take things for granted and we inevitably become miserable.

It is easy to fall into the trap of defining ourselves through our possessions or the people that surround us. But if we do so, then we will lose our sense of self. It becomes easy to justify our demands for more, and in turn we may tip over into narcissism and self-centeredness. Many people in our society sincerely believe that they deserve more, they are owed it, and they can easily tip over into immoral or selfish behavior, whilst entirely believing they are right to do so. Delusion is ghastly, it is ultimately self-destructive and is something that Buddhists aim to purge from their lives. I recommend that we follow that philosophy, too!

The key to eliminating delusion is to recognize it in yourself. You must be mindful of your own thoughts, and question the reasons why you believe you need or deserve something. What are your motives? If you are seeking happiness in the future rather than finding happiness in your present, then there is a good chance you are delusional. Do you feel a deep sense of incompleteness unless you have the latest fashions, the newest pink nail colour or the slinkiest mobile phone? Are you prone to inappropriate crushes, perhaps believing that you will be complete when the object of your affection returns your feeling – only to later discover that Mr Prince Charming was an illusion – a delusion? Maybe you look for self-affirmation and confidence through alcohol, cigarettes, sex, chocolate, shopping or drugs?

Buddha taught that happiness is entirely your responsibility, and that it comes from within yourself. Happiness found through any other method is fake and fleeting. To combat your own delusions, you should examine your brain on a daily basis, try to understand why you want or need certain things. Focus on the present day, and live moment by pink moment instead of constantly seeking something that may never happen.

When you start to combat negative thought patterns you will discover the freedom and happiness gained as and when delusions are overcome, your true authentic (non-delusional and very grateful)self will be restored! By being mindful of your own delusions you can access a happier more accepting state of mind and greater self-awareness. Buddhism is self-help with bells on, and helps calm the busy modern mind into learning that life can only ever be lived in the moment, and that the only way to be happy, is to be happy right now.

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She then very seriously asked me, “If I worry about something, will it happen?” The obvious answer to this question is, of course… no. Hell no. Or, for the more child friendly, heck no.

But this made me think: how often do we adults entertain ‘scary thoughts’ and allow them to run rampant in our minds until we feel insecure and upset? How often do we worry about events that have never happened, probably will never happen? Our fears might be that we run out of petrol or our husband runs off with the hot office blonde, content aside our fear is as genuine as whatever monster a naïve little child can envision.

I explained to her that fear was almost always not real as it exists solely in our thoughts. I asked her, if her worrying had made things come true in the past? She thought about it a moment and grinned as she admitted that this had not happened. I explained that the film she had watched was simply somebody else’s imagination, and that even if we thought really hard about the scary thing, it would never, ever happen. Then we stood there in the kitchen, mid brownie making session, and we thought about something scary and we waited to see if it happened, and of course, it didn’t.

A big toothy smile broke out on her face, and I think that perhaps she learned something that she might take with her in the future. I know I did. I know that next time I catch myself imaging my life going terribly wrong, based upon a generally fictional thought pattern. I’ll stop, I’ll think of my little pal and her scary film, and I’ll smile because no, worry does not make things happen. We can recognize this and we can choose to stop worrying. Easier said than done? Well if a seven year old can do it, I think perhaps we can too. If there is a monster under your bed, I suggest you take a closer look.

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock

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1) “An it harm none, do what thou wilt.” These eight words are a part of the Wiccan Rede, which is a law of sorts for pagan types. It’s pretty much tells you all you need to know. It summarises the Ten Commandments in less than a tweet. It’s a license to live life how you wish, but with the rigid precursor that nobody gets hurt. Sound, sensible advice, though much needed by many folk.

2) Clear your head. I’m not going to mention the benefits of meditation here for fear of boring you. Clearing your head can mean going for a nice walk, turning the TV/radio off or simply examining your own thinkings. Sit in silence a while and get to know what you really think and feel about life. Give yourself some pondering space and allow untapped brain energy to bubble up and say boo. It works. A busy brain is unhelpful, stressed, crazed sometimes. Find a little peace and as you do regain a piece of you.

3) Reaction is bad. You can’t control life but you can control how you act within it. Next time you feel angry, frustrated or hurt instead of venting, seething or taking it out on someone instead simply sit in the feeling. Mull it over and do nothing, say nothing, see what happens. See how things can often straighten themselves out without your reaction to push, pull or otherwise bully life into going your way.

4) Remember tip 1… Well, enact it for real by shutting your mouth and refusing to do any of the following: criticise, judge, bitch, moan or whine. Refuse to join in the office gossip. Banter you may, chatter chat you might, but turn your volume down when it comes to spite! Let people be, allow them to make their mistakes, allow them to wear bad clothes, let them have character flaws that rub you up the wrong way. Let it all pass, take a deep breathe but don’t breathe a word of it to a soul. It’s amazing how cutting out the verbal venom can quickly make you a happier person with better friendships. Choose also not to moan. Life could always be worse. Look on the bright side, think positive, be grateful, count your blessings…you get my point, yes?

5) Love everyone as you would your loving mother. Great Buddhist advice… presuming your mum is a good one! If not, then use your imagination. We are all someone’s child and we all deserve a chance. Just for a day, treat everyone really well, even the ones who wind you up – no, especially the ones who wind you up. Know that your kind, loving actions ripple out more than you might presume. Embrace a little unconditional love. We may naturally feel this for our family, partners and close friends. But we are often rather tight fisted when it comes to dosing out love to others. Why is this? Maybe we are scared of getting hurt, rejected, thought of as loony? Well actually dosing out a little love to all and sundry is a beautiful, soul inspiring, enlightening thing to do. Plus, once you try it, you will realise that it’s not so hard. There is no limit to our love capacity, so dip in, find that it is boundless and slosh it around the place willy nilly, make people smile!

6) On that same note, usher out a little forgiveness. All of those grudges you hold, forget them, drop them. See how much better you feel when you choose to release unforgiveness? Being unforgiving makes you feel bad inside. It tears you up. The longer you hold onto it, the harder it feels when you reenact those hurt feelings in your head and heart. If you choose to forgive, you will feel better. It’s not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you. You don’t need to be best buddies, but you do need to clear that stagnant rot of unforgiveness dwelling in your core so that you can feel a whole heap happier.

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Irrespective of what shape it is in, your body is the only place that is set to house you in this lifetime. You can have a nip tuck, you can starve your body or force it into rigorous exercise, but this is beside the point. The point is that we must attempt to value and love our bodies, but we so often don’t. We barely give them a second thought except to bemoan the state of them.

Like any naughty child, my body had seemed rebellious and unruly. But the thing is, it wasn’t – it was doing what I needed all along. It was giving me a shell, a home, a place to exist from. It was me. I owe it a lot of love, because my body is the only thing I will ever truly know. For 33 years it has been on good form, and even when I was creaky with pregnancy, it was bringing forth the greatest gift I could ever have hoped for. Our bodies are not fat, skinny, ugly or old. They are everyday miracles.

I have now figured out that my body was not rebellious, but my mind was. My mind was too quick to judge, too quick to compare my love handles to the smooth hips of some starlet plastered across the cover of an airbrushed perfume ad. We should switch the focus from our bodies to our minds and we should challenge what we find there. A bad body attitude is not the fault of your wayward thighs. Those thighs are what has carried your through this life, to all your good times and safely home again. If we can change our attitude, we may find that self-love is easier to come by than we think.

And yes, we can blame culture for helping screw up our body attitudes. Culture has so much to answer for in this respect. Sadly, culture doesn’t look set to change at this very moment. And yes, we should rail against the ridiculous images that send us insane. But the best way we can do this is sometimes just to drop out a little. I stopped buying women’s glamor magazines when I was 18, and I have never, ever looked back. Those things were bad for my mental health. To change culture, we have to change our inner life first. We have to recognize that the culture that makes us think a certain way, is, in fact, sucky and diabolical. Once we know this we are one small person closer to a revolution.

Loving your body first and foremost will help solve a lot of problems later down the line. If you learn to love what you have, you will treat it nicer. When you treat it nicer, your stress levels drop and when stress is low and life is good, things seem to fall in line. I used to worry myself silly over what I ate, or whether I had been to the gym or not. My mind got all upset and confused, every single day. In the end, it got boring. So I stopped the worry. I just took all that pressure off and instead flung myself into all kinds of real life pursuits like writing books, dabbling with art, getting pregnant, meditating, reading, chilling with the cats, being a family, cleaning the house. You name it, I did it, and I let each moment consume me so that there was no room for silly niggly doubts about how I looked or whether that chocolate really would spend a lifetime on my hips. Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes not, recently never! I eat what I like, and because I go easy on myself, I don’t binge. I make up for bad days naturally and with ease, and it’s because I love myself that I allow myself some freedom, some appreciation and some time.

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But Tarot is of the Devil, right? 

No, no, no… Of course, some people will always feel uncomfortable with any kind of spiritual or esoteric practice. But tarot is only as spooky as something like reading your horoscopes. Tarot comes from pagan traditions, but pagan does not mean devil. Trust me, my dad was a pagan and he is one of the nicest, most peace-loving dudes there ever was! Pagan societies worshipped nature, the earth, the mama goddesses and the father gods. Tarot has been given a bad rap over the years by the way it has been portrayed in films and through other media. As a tarot lover myself, I find them naught but friendly, pure and wholesome!

Tarot has an undeserved reputation as being demonic, satanic or a harbinger of doom. If you pull out cards that are seemingly negative, don’t panic. It can be unnerving to pull out the death card or the hanged man, but these have very different meanings beyond the ‘obvious’. For example:

Death: Change, end of a cycle, new beginnings. I love the death card because it means that old, outworn things are changing and over, making way for shiny new stuff!

The Hanged Man: Look closely at the image; he is hanging by his foot, not his neck. This card represents stasis, limbo, time to consider and to heal.

Tarot cards do not cause bad things, they simply reflect them, as they reflect all experiences of life. Tarot is a true representation of the world, and unlike Angel Cards that tend to be overtly positive, Tarot tells it how it is.

What are Tarot?

Tarot are a set of 76 symbolic cards. They represent a whole gamut of human emotions, behavior, situations and other complexities. Tarot are a tool that can be used to interpret and assist you in all life situations; they give guidance and clarity.

Tarot mirrors back your life to you in a way that helps you to see choices, options and potential conclusions in an objective way.

With Tarot, nothing is definite. Tarot is a guide. It is up to you what you do with what you are shown. You may be shown possible outcomes, but if these outcomes are less favorable, then Tarot will advise you how to avoid them. At its most wonderful, Tarot acts as a cheerleader. It shows you that you are on the right path and helps you to optimize future opportunities. Tarot will help you make the most of your current life path.

How to learn Tarot

Choose the right pack. I own several packs, I only read with one. Pick a pack that draws your attention, with images that you enjoy looking at and that you can connect to. There are so many to choose from, (dolphins, cats, stylistic, fashion tarots, etc) and in many different themes, so hopefully there will be a perfect pack for you out there!

Every Tarot pack should come with a basic leaflet explaining very simply the meaning of each card. That should suffice to begin with as you may not want to confuse yourself with overly wordy card explanations. My advice is to trust your gut instinct about a card. It does not matter that you have a slightly different interpretation than somebody else. What matters is that you listen to your ‘higher self’ and work with your intuition. Tarot is not just about the image on the card, it is about what springs to your mind when you see that image. Tarot is about going with your feelings and not letting your overthinking mind get in the way. Trust yourself. Tarot can be a great platform, not just for readings, but for getting to know your inner thoughts and feelings.

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I feel your pain, honestly I do. How can rejection by the love of your life ever be meaningful? How can that passing fling have been so ‘passing’ instead of the permanent love nest you hoped it would become? Why did that gorgeous cad sweet talk you into bed with magnificent promises, only to go cold the following morning? Whilst I cannot answer on behalf of these errant ex-partners, I can assure you that the answer does not lie with them.

I have been known to rant and rave into the ear of a willing girlfriend for months or years about some poor chap who had the gall to reject me, not return a phone call or blatantly dump me. In true female form, I would of course blame myself, then him, then myself again. He would be wickedly cruel and I was the innocent love fool. What I did not recognise was that the partner does not hold the answers – not the answers I really needed, anyway.

Lifetime lessons come through people, all people, even the really nasty ones. Just because a love affair was ‘not meant to be’ does not mean it was not meant to be whilst it lasted. We attract people to us to help us to grow and learn. So if a relationship did not work out how you expected it to, instead of wondering what the other person is thinking, try to think what it means for you. Think about yourself and what you can garner from the remnants of that love. Consider what you have learned about you, about your behaviour, about ways of being that you might want to avoid in the future. Consider the good and the bad and be sure to take this on-board for your future love growth.

I believe that some of our dramatic relationship disasters are stepping stones to a happier life. They are fantastic ways to promote your growth and if you deal with them consciously, they can alter your future life path towards a happier outcome.

Heartbreak at any age does not mean a lifetime of unfulfilled singledom. I believe that the more we feel during a lifetime, and the better we react to our own emotions the more progressed as people and as souls we become. So whilst your broken heart may make little sense right now, it is likely that you can become stronger and more knowledgeable from this horrid heartache scenario.

Relationships and their nuclear fallouts are an opening into a better understanding of yourself and other people. For the next week, why not try to view all human beings as messengers, whatever clothing and guise they come to us in, be it saint or sinner. All people, without exception, carry important mini educations for us. Yes it is difficult to comprehend those lessons when all you can think is how much you miss snuggling into a certain person’s neck. I get that but facts are facts, if a door has closed, don’t stand staring at it for the rest of your life; think about why it closed, what have you learned about yourself and about relationships? What about this situation can make you a better human being and a more successful, well-rounded soul?

To help you move on towards a more helpful inner view, I recommend that you mentally project unconditional love to the person who hurt you and then walk away, physically, emotionally and mentally. A break up should not mean the end of loving their soul, even if you never want to see them again. Do yourself a favour and send a little loving sugar over the energy vibrations. Forgiveness will do no harm. After that, you should project a little sugar onto yourself. Work at getting happy again and finding a way to assimilate this loss into your lifelong learning.

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Wow. I have most definitely been told. Whilst I often chatter away to guides, spirit and angels, and my life is full of signs, intuitions and messages, I have never quite been shouted at in that manner. I guess some divine something felt it was important that I heard that and took it on board!

I love that philosophy. Let’s see it again: There are no mistakes.

Well, that is a relief! This feeds wonderfully into the belief that everything happens for a reason and that all things good, bad and indifferent serve a purpose in our personal and spiritual growth.

The fact that there are no mistakes can be a hard one to fathom, particularly if you are in the midst of feeling regret, guilt or sorrowful for some past action. I am sure there have been times in your life where you have held your head in your hands and cursed your own name for something that you have said or done.

In living by the mantra that nothing is a mistake, we do not vindicate ourselves from responsibility, but instead we can intelligently seek out the meaning behind our actions and their repercussions. No matter how misguided they may seem, or how much regret we feel, we can utilize our mistakes as a valuable opportunity. Mistakes are simply fresh chances for us to learn.

Do not misunderstand me. Regret is a real thing. Regret is a struggle and a torture that can summon up a lifetime of misery. If only…? What if…? Perhaps if I had…? Regret is real, because like so many other human thoughts, we attach ourselves to it, we make it a part of our persona and we exhaust ourselves mentally by almost becoming it. But whilst it is real, it is also not real. It is a perspective. Perspective can be shifted.

I believe that as little sparks of soul in a human body we are duty bound to shift our perspective. We must take those regrets and alleged mistakes and change them into something else, something more positive. This is true for all negative emotions; fear, sadness, pain, anger, stress, despair, depression and delusion.

We must realize that these negative thoughts and their associated emotions result from our own minds. No matter what terrible choices we have made, or what horrible events have befallen us, we have the choice to grieve for these for the rest of our time here. Or, alternatively we must find a way to cope.

And in my mind, the best way to cope is to turn a tragedy into a full-scale personal revolution that leads us straight up to our personal heaven’s door.

Regret can be a huge burden on your soul. I suggest you make efforts from this day forward to live differently with your regret and your mistakes. Try to see the value in them, reframe it to see the learning that you can achieve and then release the emotion that makes you feel bad about yourself. But first this…

Take a piece of paper. Write on it everything you regret, everything you think you could have done better or differently.

Then write down your emotions about this, how it makes you feel about yourself and the other people involved. Take this piece of paper, find a fireproof pot, go outside and burn that piece of paper. Burn it the hell up.

Maybe sit and meditate on this for a few minutes, mull it over with a cup of tea. Allow the relief and the joy to replace any old, worn, tired feelings of regret that you hold. You are now free. You are officially reframed.
You have a fresh slate, one that you can base your spirituality and your life upon. From now on look at your life through the eyes of a person determined to learn. Become a master of your existence and remember this always… There Are No Mistakes.

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I wrote at length in my last book about what I refer to as BMWing – in other words, Bitching, Whining and Moaning. We all step into our BMW shoes every so often, and when we do, we tend to believe we are right, we are the superior party, we set the world to rights and we expect all to conform. Those that don’t get cussed out over pizza and pink wine.

BMW-ing is more poisonous to the person inflicting it though than the person who is the victim of it. Or so I thought… Having not been a victim of BMW-ing since high school, I had forgotten just how painful it is to be talked about and to be judged.

The reason it is so deeply painful is that as we go about our lives, we try to do our best. No really, we do. We measure a situation and come up with whatever solution is going to work, whatever solution is going to make most of the people happy most of the time. So when our decision making is challenged, when people say we made bad choices or find cause to defile our character because of these choices, it is nothing less than heartbreaking. Then things turn Mean Girls on us, we can easily lose our ‘soulful’ and fall into a pity party, or worse, lash out with a touch of our own inner mean girl.

Recently I ventured out from my spiritual land of woo to attend a weekend long party. I had a bit of a ‘to-do’ on the first night with a friend. She had a strong opinion and to be fair, she said it to my face… though it was apparent from what she said that much had also been said behind my back, too. And apparently what she thought, everyone else agreed with.

In short, she annihilated a decision I’d made and made me feel as if I’d deeply upset a mutual friend. I fell right off my spiritual cloud at this point and told her in two short words where to go. I then put my spiritual head back on and apologized to her and tried to explain my rationale, my reasoning. But she continued to state her point, as I did mine. We were in a deadlock of difference. Then someone dragged her away and I was left to reconvene my brain. I have purposefully glossed over the content of the conversation, not because I was right, or she was wrong, or vice versa, but because the judgment itself is not the issue. Some of you will side with her, some with me, some may sit on the fence. But for the purposes of this article what matters is what I did with being judged…

In the first instance I got on with the night and had a really great time determined not to let her words drag me down. But the next day, the enormity had me crying into my tea and toast for the best part of an hour. I felt that I had done everything I could to make everyone happy, and had somehow missed the point entirely and spectacularly failed. I felt paralysed with fear and stress and deep unhappiness. I lost all sense of proportion and went to the land of self-sorry.

So for the first time in a long time, I was thrown heels and head first into the land of BMW-ing. I had been judged, and I knew about it, and the decision I was judged for was already made, so I couldn’t undo it, I couldn’t make anything any different. I was the pariah. Worse still, I was expected to turn up for the rest of the party, knowing now what ‘everyone’ thought of me. Eeeeeek.

So once my tears subsided, what did I do? I put my party outfit on, stepped out of my pity party, wore a slick of bright pink lipstick and I turned up to the  afternoon events. I wouldn’t say I was all guns blazing. But I was there. I smiled, I talked, I actually had a lovely time. It was all very mature and happy and soon it felt like a distant memory. Kind of…

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