I love kids. However, as a rule, I don’t like all of them. Everyone assumes that, as a 20 or 30-something woman, your “maternal instincts” will kick in and save the day whenever you’re in the presence of a “youth” under the age of 14. Mine tend to roundhouse so hard that they knock themselves out. Then the fear takes over.
Like any responsible adult, parenthood scares the crap out of me. I have this recurring nightmare where a baby in a trench coat and dark sunglasses lures me to his van full of Xbox games and Curly Fries. And when I get too close, he drags me inside, straps me to a chair and forces me to watch Baby Signing Time DVDs on repeat. There are crying toddlers in the background. I wake up sweating.
Maybe it’s the “Single Girl” side of me, but my brain just doesn’t equate children with happiness or bliss yet. Maybe someday. Most often, I associate children with hyperactivity, crushed Cheerios and screaming. Even my dog (also single) leaves the room as soon as my nephew enters. She can smell fear. And that fear is mine.
If having children doesn’t frighten you, that’s great. I’m proud of you. Remember though, that with great power comes great responsibility. And by that I mean you should never ask me to babysit. Because it would be better to leave the baby with a flock of wild geese.
When you ask me to watch your kids, I will automatically assume that they shouldn’t be fed after midnight or they’ll turn into David Bowie. Or a Gremlin. I’m never sure which.
I may or may not dress the baby in Cabbage Patch clothes. There will be a lot of crying and whining. And they don’t make pacifiers big enough for adults, trust me I’ve looked.
Kids scare me because they act like everything they do has been pre-approved. “Oh, this huge bag of Skittles? My mom said I could eat these before dinner.” “But dad said I could have three hours of video games as long as I did half of my homework!” “Grandma said we could start a revolution as long as we get back to the neighborhood by 10:30!”
I automatically believe everything they say because nothing is off-limits anymore; a friend of mine said she sold an iPad to a young couple who told her they were giving it to their 2-year-old for Christmas. One can only assume he needed it to keep track of his Twitter followers and update his LinkedIn account.
This angers me because I was never allowed to use social media or buy an iPad. And that was just last month. And what makes me even more upset is that these kids end up using it to bully and intimidate. For example, yesterday they said my hair was stupid.
What I’m trying to get at here is that I’m not great with the whole parenting thing. When I was 7, I had a pet rock and accidentally sucked it up with the vacuum hose. I’m not saying I’d accidentally vacuum up your child… but I might accidentally vacuum up your child.
What about the rest of you single ladies? Are kids your thing or do they scare the living bejeesus out of you too?
Photo credits: Greg Gayne/FOX, The CW