From Our ReadersAre We Breaking Up? The Loss Of A BFFFrom Our Readers

Until recently, I had never experienced a true break up. The kind where, you don’t want them to call, but secretly hope they do. The kind where, everything reminds you of them. The kind where, something happens and you pick up the phone to call/text them before you realize that’s not something you can do anymore. The kind that leaves you crying in the arms of your husband, because you miss her so much. That’s right. This is not a break up with a boy. This is a break up with a best friend.

My best friend and I were joined at the hip. Have you ever had a person just get you? She was that person. She knew almost every thought that entered my brain and a day didn’t go by without talking to her. That is until a few months ago. Enter Douche-bag Magee (which is what I like to call him). Now, my bff had never been in a relationship before. She would date people, but was never able to make it more than a few weeks with a guy (she had commitment issues). When this relationship first started, I honestly didn’t think much of it. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn’t last before I was able to finish my milk in the fridge.

Then, it started. The delayed reply to text messages. The non-returned phone calls. Our once a week hang outs became “we will get together soon.”¬†How could this happen? My perfect best friend whom I’ve trusted so much. How could she ditch me for a guy?

I tried several times to talk with her about our fading relationship, but she was never interested. “Oh that’s not true!” She would say when I’d tell her, “it takes you days to reply to a text, I haven’t seen you in a month, I barely know what is going on in your life.” I was losing my best friend and I didn’t know what to do.

As the weeks progressed it only got worse. Within a few months they were engaged and I quickly realized their relationship was anything but healthy. It became clear very quickly that he didn’t want her hanging out with anyone but him. If he wasn’t invited to an event she would lie and say she couldn’t make it. If he was around she “wouldn’t get my messages.” It was sickening.

I tried to hang on to this relationship with everything I had. Until now. I can no longer put up with the lying, ignoring, or hurt she has caused me. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially someone you call your best friend.

So now I do what any good girl does when a relationship has ended. I cry. I sing songs at the top of my lungs. I eat ice cream. I keep myself busy. I move on. It gets a little easier every day.

I know she will need me someday, and when she does I’ll be there. Until then, I’ll sit in my PJ’s, watch “Parenthood,” and try not to think about what I would give to have her sitting next to me.

You can read more from Shannan Bernico on her blog.

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  1. ^Like you said, a relationship that unhealthy shouldn’t even exist. I hope she realizes this before it’s too late.

  2. This is heartbreaking. </3 I hope things get better for the both of you, and that you're able to patch things up soon…and I'm sorry to say this (I don't like to ill-wish relationships), but I hope they break up.

  3. I’m on kind of the same situation at the moment. I understand how you feel. I still haven’t made a decision as of what to do, cause every time I played it out in my head, it breaks my heart a bit more, and then I don’t know how to go about it. Thanks for sharing your story, great article, and I’m very sorry about your bff breakup.

    • I’m also sorry to hear you are having to make a decision about it! It’s never easy and even when you feel like you have made the right decision it can still be hard. Good luck!

  4. A true BFF would understand and be there for your friend no matter how often they call. We can not pin our expectations on someone of what a friend should and shouldn’t do and then be upset when said BFF doesn’t comply .

    • That’s definitely true, and sometimes unrealistic expectations can mess up a BFF friendship. However, no one deserves to be lied to again and again. That’s when you have to really look at what the friendship is becoming.

  5. Wow, that’s my exact situation, only I went through it four years ago. A friend of 20 years became an ex. From time to time I still hope she suddenly decides she needs me…and have to re-learn that it’s not gonna happen. Great article, I’m sorry about your break up.

    • It’s been a year and a half and I still keep hoping she is going to show up at my door, but like you said, I have to re-learn that’s not going to happen. It’s nice to hear from other people that I’m not alone in the struggle!

  6. To be fair, sometimes friendships end because one person is completely co-dependent or even toxic. I had a close friend I ditched because I couldn’t take the constant 3-hour complain fests that she constantly wrought. I wish her well, but you know, people do grow apart. Sad, but you never know where the path will lead, or what new friends you’ll meet. Sometimes your own growth is hampered by a BFF, or they feel theirs is. Move on gracefully and embrace the change. If they rejoin you later on the path, great. If not, they weren’t meant to be past a certain point. It is what it is.

  7. It’s crazy to see how many people this has happened to. A few years ago, my BFF, a serial monogamist, started dating this guy about a year and a half after I had moved away. Our long-distance friendship was totally fine until the asshole came along. Slowly, she stopped wanting to see me when I was in town and eventually stopped responding to any of my messages whatsoever. She also stopped talking to several of our other mutual friends. There is one friend of mine who is also friends with my ex-BFF and the asshole, and he confirmed what I already knew…it was because of this guy that she stopped talking to me. For some reason, he didn’t like me and I guess convinced her not to be friends with me anymore. The worst part was that I never really got any closure from her. She just slowly cut me out of her life. Until you go through something like this, you don’t know how much it hurts. It took me a long time to get over it, and sometimes I feel like I’ll never be completely over it. Now, I’m engaged and I always thought she would be my MOH. Now, she probably won’t even be invited to the wedding. Breaking up with my BFF was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do, but I had to get over it and move on. After all, maybe it’s all for the best.

    • I hear you! I also feel like Ill never be completely over it, but I know it is for the best. This ex-BFF just got married. When she first got engaged I was in the wedding. By the time the wedding came around , I wasn’t even on the guest list. It killed me to miss one of the most important days of her life!

  8. My best friend from school turned a bit fickle during our time at Uni. She hated me spending time with other friends, but she’d drop me like a hot brick if her other BF wanted to do something. This went on for years. I might not see her for a couple months because she was busy with other BF, but she always came back and we’d pick up like we’d never been apart. And she’d bitch about her other BF to me. I was always the one she turned to in times of joy or sadness, and she was the one I’d turn to. Until last year, when her boyf dumped her. She appeared on my doorstep a few days later, cried in my arms for hours, went home…and I didn’t see or hear from her for months! I bumped into her around Halloween last year and was mortified at her behaviour. I carried on spending time with my new, improved, more reliable BFF and my other mates. And I realised around April this year that she’d deleted me from Facebook. After 2 months of trying to get through to her I gave up. Mourned and moved on. One day she’ll realise what she’s lost. For now she’s missing out on the best time of my life!

  9. I’ve had situations like this with my best friend more than once. The first time was as a result of her boyfriend, two years younger than us, who she would always hang out with instead of myself and our other best friend. Because he didn’t have his license and she seemed to need a reason to see him, she would take him to baseball practice and anywhere else he needed to go, so we rarely hung out. This summer, after we graduated, their relationship began to crumble because he was entering his junior year of high school and only wanted to have fun, so she made time for her best friends more and once our first semester at the same college started, I would see her multiple times a week at the library, lunch or she’d come to my dorm room. But her living at home and me living at school got hectic and she works as a waitress almost every day of the week, plus she goes out to the club nearly every Thursday night with other friends while I’m struggling with money and schoolwork. I rarely get a phone call/text/Facebook message from her anymore and I predict it’ll only get worse once she transfers to a different school. I’ve sort of lived with it since I’ve made new friends at school, but it really hurts knowing that she never tried to fix our friendship.

  10. This happened to me exactly. It is like you are just writing from my mind. She kept her relationship a secret from me for 6 months when he was abroad and they spoke online everyday. It was terrible and still makes me sad a year later.

  11. I cannot relate to this anymore. Thank you for posting this. My best friend and I have had our ups and downs for a long time and just recently we both became pregnant and I thought this would be a great time to bridge the gap of 7 years between us but it was far from that. Typically when she dates a guy I am rarely considered to be an important part of her life so it came as no surprise when she brought him along to every get together we had. It became so apparent that I was being used, even my husband began to see it. “She only calls you when she needs something or wants something from you” still echoes in my mind. She stopped talking to me out of the blue… for no reason that I can see so I have mourned our relationship and moved on. I sure hope you do the same.

    • That sounds like just what my husband told me (and still has to continue to tell me!) I’m so glad you have been able to move on!

  12. That’s a really bad situation especially when you’ve been that close. :-/ But as pragmatically or ‘heartless’ it might sound, sometimes you just have to let people go and accept that you and your friendship are not as important to them as their respective partner.
    I’ve experienced something quite similar last year with someone I thought was a really really good friend and the minute she got a boyfriend (now her husband) I was practically non-existent and left alone (I was going through a very difficult phase at the time cos my dad had died).
    At that point you have to realize that, however great the friendship was, sometimes a change in your life situation also means a shift in your relationship to certain people it just doesn’t fit anymore – either on your or on their end and that after a period of anger and hurt you have to accept it the way it is.
    I know it can be hard at first (I’m still kind of mad at my ex-friend) but you’ll learn to appreciate the people that are your TRUE friends.
    Meanwhile I’m wishing you all the best! :-)

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