Dear Women Who Measure Bra Sizes at Department Stores,
You are life changers. You really are. You are like the Oprah of the garment world. I’m totally serious. And like, I know a lot of guys just envy the fact that you get to put your hands around other ladies’ boobies all day long, but what dudes don’t understand is that this is not actually frivolous and exciting but more of something that is absolutely essential because when a properly measured bra fits? Well then that fit can change your life! (Imagine as though I sound like Will Ferrell when he’s doing his James Lipton impression when I say that. Imagine Will Ferrell dressed up as James Lipton telling you that having your bra measured will “Change. Your. Life” because that is how serious I am about the amount of life-changing these ladies who measure bras in department stores can inspire).
I know this because one time a nice lady in a Macy’s changed my life. I wish I could say this life-changing, girl-becoming-a-woman-event took place just after puberty, when girls were supposed to be learning important life lessons like this one and also why you really should just shave your legs everyday and also, yes, fingernails can be too long, but alas, for me, it was not until I was an aimless pre-adult in Los Angeles, land of dreams, and girls with nice boobs everywhere. I’m not talking about the girls with the fake boobs, because LA has a lot of that too, but I swear to God, the girls in LA just have something going on in that they all got the memo that if your bra fits you perfectly then your rack will look totally slamming.
Prior to LA I was usually in good standing boob-wise. Not too big, but definitely not small, but easy to work out with… like the Goldilocks of boobs perhaps. Didn’t think about it much and I didn’t need to.
And then – Los Angeles with your shiny cat lady eyes and botoxed foreheads! But mostly your perfectly natural mounds of boob encapsulated in an expertly fitted bra! I just didn’t know where to start! I wanted a makeover montage like in one of those movies! What could give me that transformation?
And then I got my boobs measured. And ladies, let me tell you that it changed everything. And gentlemen let me tell you it is not nearly as sexual as you would hope. It’s mostly awkward.
That’s actually what I want to know, that’s why I am writing this letter – is it so awkward for you to be spending all day measuring other women’s breasts or is it all good because at the end of it all you are literally changing lives like a volunteer firefighter or Olympic athlete?